Kinky Fun

Not Being Selfish is Fucking Hard

Chatting with a long-time friend tonight, I expressed my frustration with what I’m not finding. He asked me to make a list of everything I need in a partner. This was my list :

  • Dominant but not domineering
  • Really okay with butt stuff
  • Monogamous
  • Patient
  • Exploratory but not pushy; respect for my limits
  • Safe, clean, hygienic
  • Not afraid to physically hurt me (maybe more than a little)
  • Excellent communicator

And then we reviewed my list. And that brought up all the damned feels because monogamy, and his lack of it, is the one (really big) place we don’t line up. And it’s so frustrating because we’d make each other miserable, having to be what we’re not, and neither of us are willing to stand in the way of the others happiness.

There’s a lot of love between us. The sex was always great. And he’s the only one I’ve not only been able to submit to, but have wanted to give him my submission willingly and without question. He does things for me nobody else ever has. He’s the fucking bar everyone else is held up to and then falls short.

So tonight I sleep, frustrated, sad, wishful, and dreaming of his touch. Because everything I want is just out of reach.

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Kinky Fun

Adulting Like A Motherfucker

Anyone who knows me, knows I have problems with setting boundaries, and expressing my thoughts and feelings to other people. I had multiple conversations in the last 24 hours where I adulted like a motherfucker. I’m proud of myself.

  1. Last night I was talking to an old friend I recently reconnected with. Years ago, we used to hang out all the time, and since we have the same middle and last name, we called each other Mr and Mrs W——. Anyway, he was talking about how this girl he’s been seeing is all drama and games and I told him stop playing with little girls, get your shit together, and set an example for your son. His response cracked me up – “oh shit! My wife is finally back!”
  2. I had an honest conversation with C, who contacted me after the party last Saturday and we’ve been talking since. I was clear that while I like him and want to get to know him better, a big hurdle in any sort of dating or whatever is that he’s poly, and I am absolutely not. However, I think at the least he would make a great friend and future partner in crime. It’s fucking wonderful to be wanted though!
  3. I had a conversation with J explaining more of my living situation as well as that while I find a lot of women attractive, I’m not really into them like I am men. That his wife is adorable, but it was more of a spur of the moment thing. He invited me to another party the weekend after this one but…

I am hopefully getting together with an old friend not this weekend but next, and I’m excited and can’t wait. This person is literally the only person who can turn me into a mewling puddle with just a look and I just want him to use me. I trust him completely and his touch is heaven. To say I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen is an understatement.

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Vegetarian Chili

You guys! I love meat. But I decided to save a few dollars and try out a vegetarian chili. It was super easy and aside from having to open a lot of cans, really quick to toss in the pot.

You need :

  • 1 16oz can each of black beans, Pinto beans, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, and corn
  • 2 bell peppers
  • 1 large red onion
  • 1 28oz can diced tomatoes
  • 2 packets chili seasoning if your choice or make your own blend
  • 2 generous teaspoons of dried oregano
  • 2 heaping teaspoons minced garlic (or more – is there such a thing as too much garlic?)
  1. Dice or run the peppers and onion through your foods processor.
  2. Dump everything into a large pot and stir to combine.
  3. Let simmer until heated thru and flavors have begun to combine.
  4. Spoon into bowls or over Fritos and top with cheddar cheese if desired.

And holy crap! This chili is good and so filling!

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Kinky Fun

Party Time

Last night I went to a party. It was a housewarming + birthday party, followed by a play party. I was a little nervous leading up to things, but I sucked it up like a big girl and went. I had invited a friend to be my +1,but he ended up having to work and wasn’t sure he was brave enough for that kind of party… Lol.

Anyway, the first half went great – I was a little drunk and was talking mostly to a couple I had just met. Attractive, nice, friendly people.

The second half of the party, I ended up playing with the couple. Afterwards I commented that his wife was the first woman I had kissed in like 15 years. He realized then he never asked me if I was even into women – not too big of a deal though because I feel like bodies are just vessels we’re poured into and secondary to other traits of attraction. I’m pretty flexible, though I primarily like men.

I also shared a few wonderful kisses with the hostess, something I wanted to do when I first met her months ago.

I ended up heading home around 4am, got home around 5am, and the pups were super excited to see me. I had a hard time getting them off of my bed so I could get some sleep… Lol.

So all in all, a good night! I’m slightly hung over (just a headache) but I’ll live. And I got invited to another party next weekend.

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Another Dream

I had the weirdest dream. I was at a huge 3 story mall and I had returned something and got $26 back. A $20, a $5, and a $1.

I was walking the mall, and this guy in bad drag picked my pocket and kept pretending to give me back my money but it was all obvious fakes. $3 bills and stuff.

Somehow I knew he was really a fish and I got him to change back to his fish form so I put him in a baggie and took him to the mall cops. He was a danio. But he died in the bag before it was my turn (I had to wait in line until they called my number) and they could make him give my money back.

The mall cop gave me $26 after writing up so crazy report that the pet store overcharged me by that much and a refund was owed, and then I got in my car and drove home.

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So Fucking Depressed

So next Sunday is my birthday. I’m turning 37. And with it being my birthday soon, just like every year, I’m depressed. It’s not because I’m getting older- I really don’t mind aging and I look forward to one day having beautiful silver hair. But for me, my birthday is a reminder that I’ve failed. I still haven’t managed to be self sufficient, I still have to spend on others to get by, I can’t even afford a shitty little apartment or trailer. And now I have all this stupid debt because I haven’t been careful with my money so I’m at least 3 years out from being able to start saving to actually do something about my living situation. And it makes me want to crawl under a rock and fucking die.

I’m not suicidal. But I’m so fucking low and on top of the birthday depression, I think my current living situation only adds to it as does the knowledge that my debt has dug a hole I can’t immediately get out of. And all of this is so fucking exhausting.

I really hope by this time next month I’ll have bounced back a bit. Tracy and Jami will be wanting to get together in the coming weeks, which will be a good thing. I haven’t seen friends in months, and some of my friendships are feeling neglected.

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Terrible Dream

The other day, I woke up and almost called 911 for myself. I literally had to talk myself down and convince myself what I thought happened was just a dream and it wasn’t real.

In my dream, I woke up, took the entire bottle of klonopin that’s next to my bed with my other meds, passed out, and couldn’t wake up. Then when I did wake up in real life, I was convinced I had actually tried to kill myself and needed to call for help immediately.

The zoloft I take gives me crazy, vivid dreams. Like they’re insanely real feeling, and sometimes I have a lot of difficulty telling what was a dream and what wasn’t. But this is the first time the zoloft has given me a scary dream. I don’t want to do that again.

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So Fucking Angry

So you guys have seen pics of Yuba I think, but did you know we still have his brother Tejon? We do. The boys are 6 months old now.

So much has happened in the last week with them and most of it isn’t good. About 15 days ago, Halo, the toy poodle, and Tejon found a hole in the fence and went on walkabout in the desert. We didn’t know until Tejon was crying at the gate and we found Halo down the street. Didn’t think much of it since they seemed unscathed.

Last weekend, Halo got sick. Took him to the vet and surprise! He has parvo despite having had all his shots. A few days later and Tejon has it too. I spent the next few days giving subcutaneous fluids to them both plus meds twice a day. They’ve still got a few days of meds to go.

Yuba hasn’t shown any signs of illness and his vaccines were from a different source – if he’s not ill by next weekend, his vaccines will have done their job.

Anyway, why I’m fucking angry. Mom’s boyfriend decides that while Tejon is sick, and even though he had never been alone before, to lock him up out back. He screamed for 3 days and broke most of his nails and skinned his nose up trying to get out.

This morning at 5am, he did get out and was at the back door trying to get in. This is the doorknob after he finished trying to open it.

He was terrified and alone and so desperate and I cried because he was so scared. 

Anyway, mom’s bf relented and let him back inside. I asked if they still expect to sell him or if I can just find him a home. Apparently I can just find him a home. 

I can’t do anything for 6 weeks because he will still be contagious but I think I found a place to get him neutered for free but I won’t know until I can get in touch with the people doing it. Otherwise neutering and microchip will be about $300. And hopefully Mattie will decide he can take him in. I’ll find out tomorrow. Mattie was an asshole to me but he does love his dogs. 

I wish I could keep him but I can’t afford both of them for a lot longer and he needs a real home. If Mattie can’t take him, I’ll be looking elsewhere but I know his forevermore is out there. 

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Dream Bass

Christmas afternoon, I took a nap, because Christmas is exciting and I stayed up too late and woke up too early, and I had a dream that was so real, I thought it actually happened when I woke up.

When I was dreaming, I opened my closet and found my dream bass leaning up against the wall. It looked a lot like a B. C. Rich stealth, and it was black, and I was super excited. And I could play! 

When I woke up I actually looked for it, before realizing that oh yeah, I can’t play for shit – definitely a dream. And the bass a really want is a white Warlock or even a Mockingbird. It has to be white. 

So weird random dream, but cool because it was pleasant and pretty normal overall. 🙂 

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I Did A Thing! 

It only took me 21 years but I finally did a thing I’ve wanted to do since my freshman year of high school.

Excuse the silly Snapchat filter. 🙂 

My me head is delightfully fuzzy and in need of rubbing all over. I know it’ll take a little getting used to, but I don’t regret it, and it’s a great excuse to knit more hats!

My mom barely even freaked out. She just said I was crazy and I was going to freeze… Lol. 

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