I Voted (& I hope you did too)

Tonight my mom and I drove to our polling place, with plans for me to vote. I convinced her to vote too because she was already there, and at the last minute, she did.

I’m glad she did because people like me and my mom and my friends need to take back the country from Trump and his lackeys. The United States isn’t feeling very safe with him in charge, and I worry for my person of color, my female, my queer friends.

We all need to be part of the solution. Because remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem!

Project Get My Shit Together

I met with my Department of Rehab counselor today and we spent a little over an hour working up my plan to become a medical lab technician or maybe a medical laboratory scientist. I could be a legit actual scientist!

Basically, it looks like this :

  • Complete perquisites at CoC
  • Meet program requirements (things like health testing, malpractice insurance)
  • Complete degree
  • Sit for state licensing exam
  • Find employment
  • Continue to support me thru first 3 months of employment

They’ll be paying for everything, even my transportation fees, which is pretty amazing.

Tonight I applied for admission at College of the Canyons and also applied for FAFSA.

In two weeks I’ll be attending orientation for the program, and hopefully I’ll have all my questions in order by them.

One of those questions is if I take the Phlebotomy elective within the program, does this get me my phlebotomy cert, which is a requirement for admission into the program. If it doesn’t, will I be better off getting my cert thru AV Adult School instead?

There’s a lot to think about but taking everything one step at a time will ensure everything is done right.

Scary Adult Stuff

I did a brave but scary thing this evening.

One of the first people my ex introduced me to while we were together was this guy who physically is totally my type. Turns out he’s really nice, an actual good guy.

We’d see each other at parties and friends house over the next 9 and a half years. He would flirt with me after he had a few drinks, but I never saw him flirt with anyone else. Multiple times we went out in a group and I watched beautiful women try really hard to get his attention and he would never notice.

Fast forward 8 years. My ex and I have split up, and I’m chatting with him online fairly often. Still running into each other socially, at parties, whatever. I like him. A lot. Tried being subtle. Tried being obvious. No idea how he feels except I’m fairly sure he’s attracted to me.

Tonight I sent him a message that said:

“Okay…. So like potentially awkward message time.

I have no idea if you’re seeing anyone, but I’m interested in you, and I don’t know if you’re uninterested or just oblivious. I’ve found you to be attractive since we first met.

I would like to get to know you better and possibly see you romantically. Getting straight to the point here… Lol.

If you’re not interested, that’s okay too. But it’s up to you now. I haven’t got a goddamn clue how this whole dating thing even works.

I hope you’re having a good evening!“

Then I proceeded to panic because I’m a 12 year old girl.

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, he responded, he likes me a lot, but he’s trying to work on some personal issues before seriously dating anyone. This feels legit because his last relationship was a big mess and he’s a very honest person.

He also said he wasn’t missing all my signals, he’s just not good at expressing things sometimes so he’s glad I took the direct route so we could talk about it.

So yeah. I took a risk, did not go up in flames, and maybe it’ll work out to our liking in the future. I don’t think he’s really kinky but he is very open minded and has a curious nature.

I’m sitting here now with some minor fallout from my earlier panic but I know things will be okay, whatever happens.

Frogman

I had another really crazy dream.

I went with my grandmother to her dead sister’s house to go through her stuff. I was excited because she did a lot of cross stitch and macrame and I was hoping to score some floss and cords.

When we got there, there were these huge grocery store style chest freezers. And there were large frogs in them. Weird but uh okay.

I’m about done going through stuff. My grandmother is obsessed with finding secret messages hidden in pieces of glass. Everything glass she’s holding up to her eye to look through it. My uncle Ed is there too doing the same thing. There were other people there too.

Then this guy approaches me. He’s cute, polite, friendly. He asks if he can call me tomorrow. It’s really important he can call at a certain time because he can’t stay out of the water too long. I say okay. We try to exchange numbers but when I ask his name, he croaked like a frog. I’m starting to put things together now. Finally I start to give him my number.

Suddenly my grandfather appears and starts screaming at both of us. That I’m too young and naive to get involved in this, that the military is never going to take me away. I’m pissed because I just want to continue talking to this sweet man. Finally after a lot of yelling, everyone disperses from around us. I give him my number.

Somewhere during our conversation, I realize he’s been genetically altered by the military and they want to do the same to me. As my family is leaving the house later, a robot asked me if my name is D. Wild. I said no and keep walking. It has a big syringe full of liquid.

I get back home, which literally means climbing a fence. The next thing I know, all the other people in the house are working to hide me from the military who is now frantically searching for me. One of the (also genetically modified) people is holding me in a feed trailer in the dark, using his scent to mask mine. He’s also caressing my skin (why am I naked?) and I’m getting turned on and trying to be still and quiet.

Somehow they get them to back off and leave me alone. Puppies are given out. A party is planned for the next night. My mom steps in and says everyone has to leave by 8pm at the party.

But everything’s okay now.

Makeover Pi

My Raspberry Pi got a make over today. I had previously installed a fan on it due to overheating issues but recently it started making a lot of noise.

On inspection, the bearing was worn, causing a wobble, and the blades were tapping the casing.

I went to Adafruit to order a new fan, but with shipping, it was more than I wanted to pay.

Amazon showed me a kit with a case, that included a fan and 3 heat sinks. It was about $0.40 more expensive than just ordering the fan. This is the one I ended up ordering.

It arrived this afternoon, and I set to putting the case together and getting everything hooked up.

Unfortunately, while it came with plenty of hardware, the screws to mount the board to the base were way too short, but this was easily remedied by using the screws that came with my now broken fan.

But it went together in the end, I got everything hooked back up, and it looks pretty damn good! I do miss my bright pink case but I think this will keep my Pi a lot cooler.

Edit : uncooled Pi 3 was operating at about 175°F. Fan cooled Pi 3 in closed case was holding at about 140°F. Fan, 3 heat sinks and open case Pi 3 is operating at about 100°F. Big improvement!

Panic Dream

Two nights in a row, I’ve woken up from the same dream with a panic attack.

Basically, I was living on the streets, well, on an abandoned barge, and everyone was turning against me. I started plotting to get back at some of the people hurting me, and this sea captain helped me start a chain of catastrophic events, then rescued me. I had the clothes on my back. I was dirty and messy.

Turns out his ship could fucking fly and then we rode it across these roller coaster rails to a fantastic land where other humans didn’t exist. He was king of this land, and the people were a little different. Slightly feline looking, and covered in short fur but basically human in form.

The king adopted me as one of his daughters and sent me to have dresses made and get cleaned up and be made presentable.

I had an immediate attraction to the tailor who would be making my gowns and he stepped in to help me with my transition into their society. We spent all our time together. We fell in love. But elements of my real waking life were there too.

I was still the same weight. And when it came up that while a pregnancy could occur between our two species, it would be detrimental to the female, I said it was okay because I had already been spayed.

We traveled together between their planet and mine, visiting different cities around the world, doing silly things, learning about each other’s culture. We had fun.

But I was worried about really fitting in here. I didn’t fit in on my old life and people abused and hurt me. I wondered if that would just happen here in my new home too.

I’m not sure why this dream, which continued over two nights, was so triggering for me to cause panic attacks. I haven’t had one in a long time. It’s not a fun thing to wake up from. Heat racing, can’t breathe, your body feels out of control.

Thankfully I’ve had enough of them that I go through a mental checklist automatically. Can I breathe normally? Am I actually trying? Am I in physical danger? Am I in a safe place? Is there anything I can realistically do for myself to help this pass quickly?

By the time I get halfway through that I’m usually good. Last night I was barely awake and shaking so hard I almost started crying. But I rolled over, took a klonopin, adjusted my blankets, and breathed slowly and deliberately until I fell back asleep.

Tonight I was awakened too far for that to help so I got up and peed and watched an episode of South Park.

I don’t know if this anxiety is tied in to the date or something else. The 21st is the 9th anniversary of my Daddy’s death.

Mr Nice Guy

Another word dream time here today!

I dreamed I was still with dumb ass, but we lived on the beach in a nice house. We also had a smaller, less nice house behind it. My craft space was in the less nice house and I wanted to move it to the main house and make some changes to the room.

I wanted to paint the room a soft orange, put up a huge square mirror with a large fancy goldfish on it, install custom shelving to hold my media stuff… And he was all on board with buying furniture, helping me hire people to do the work, everything. It was surreal because he sure as hell was never that helpful or interested in making me happy in the time we were together.

I also did yoga every day in a fancy high-end studio in this dream.

What Should I Do With Myself?

People of the Internet! The Department of Rehabilitation is willing to pay to send me back to school. But I’m having trouble deciding what I would like to go to school for/a career end goal.

I’m editing this post because I’ve been researching, reading, and thinking, and I think what I really want is a career that challenges me regularly, and let’s me actually help people.

Every job I’ve held in the past I’ve ended up hating because it just seemed so pointless and meaningless in the grand scheme of things, so I think helping others might be what I really should be doing.

  1. Aerospace. We have a strong aerospace presence here locally and there’s a program here that employers in that field often hand pick from. I enjoy working with my hands, and it’s a practical choice.
  2. Psychology. Brains are crazy interesting as are minds and my mental illness makes this even more interesting to me. I’m just not 100% sure I want to work as a medical care giver. Possibly work as a researcher.
  3. Biology. I’m considering Medical Lab Technician or maybe Veterinary Technician in the Biology area. There’s also Physician’s Assistant as well.
  4. Mortuary Sciences. I’m waiting to hear back from the head of this program at Cypress, as their list is requirements make their program a little iffy for me. They required proof of good mental health and I’m not sure how they determine this.

The good thing is I have a lot of general ed classes already completed and some coursework that might carry over for some of these ideas’ core courses. I honestly wouldn’t need a lot of coursework at the Associate’s level so it seems like no big deal to go one further, you know?

Not to brag, but I’m smart. I’m a really good learner. And after 30 hours of testing in just about everything, DOR basically told me I have an incredibly exceptional mind and I could be placed anywhere…. Which isn’t really helpful. “Yo kid, the sky’s the limit! Let’s not help narrow things down or anything!”

I’m sitting here now trying to come up with some genuinely interesting areas to look into before I meet with my counselor at the end of the month.

When I wake up tomorrow I’m going to try to get an appointment with a counselor at the college and see if they can help me narrow things down. I’m trying to be proactive but it’s hard when I’ve been so passive all my life.

Critters!

I had another really weird dream.

I was with friends (my high school friend’s older sister Anna? A blonde woman?) and we took a road trip to visit some of her friends way out in the middle of nowhere.

There was this guy who wouldn’t wear clothes except underwear and he had some mental things going on. He hated being touched too but like he liked me enough to snuggle me. So we were snuggling for like 3 days and nights, nonstop.

Anna and the blonde woman had dropped me off there and left, but eventually Anna and the other girl came back and they were teasing him about having needs and then we all four left in the car.

But then it started storming and all of a sudden a portal opened and all this blackness liquid evil came pouring out along with huge monsters that were swallowing up everything. They looked like the things from the movie Critters, and were big enough to swallow a bus whole.

We were lucky enough to float to relative safety in our car, and then I woke up.

Family Christmas

Woohoo! So many weird dreams this last couple weeks!

I was at an extended family Christmas celebration. It was me, all my aunts, uncles, cousins… And my friend D. I don’t know if we were together & that’s why he was there, but he was part of the family.

We had a meal, and I was doing the dishes afterwards when it was suddenly time fur Star Wars hide and seek. And we were in a huge mansion so so many places to hide! We were all in costume.

Eventually we all got caught and we returned to the living room, where we all had some red wine and sang Christmas songs together. D was ensconced on a couch surrounded by my family’s children and looked super happy.

The whole dream wasn’t too weird but it felt absolutely surreal.