Health · Kinky Fun

Even My Therapist… 

I saw my therapist Thursday and we talked about some hard stuff. Mainly my childhood, and how my still current need to be submissive and good has been pounded into me since I was a little girl – don’t get emotional, don’t cry (or I’ll give you something to cry about!), don’t get angry, don’t act out, always follow directions… Do whatever it takes to get that “good girl” and a pat on the head. She had me pegged as submissive from the first time we talked about sex and BDSM even though I hadn’t actually said how I identify.

The difference now is I can control who I give that to. I can control who I allow to punish me if I’m naughty. I am in control and I’m not the same scared little girl. But sometimes I am still scared. What if I’m not a good girl? What if I never get that gentle caress and praise?

Logically, I know the world won’t end. I’ll still be okay, I’ll still be me, but I crave those two words so strongly and I have since I was a wee thing, and I wonder if that will ever change.

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Beauty · General · Health

This Week

I popped by Horizon Comics yesterday and I picked these up. I’m looking forward to reading them, and soon picking up vol. 3 of Paper Girls.

Today I got all summered up in my flamingo dress, lobster earrings, and flowers in my hair. I thought about adding a summery hat too but decided that was enough.

My first stop was CVS, where I picked up a lip brush, this cleanser, and an Rx. This stuff is great! I’m already in love with their moisturizer which I use almost daily, and when I got home, I washed my face with it and my make-up just rinsed right away.

Before I came home though I did some window shopping at Guitar Center (where I saw almost my perfect dream bass for $700+) and almost came home with a new Luna uke. She has the sweetest voice.

I also went to see Stephanie at Hottie Body and we finally did my triangle piercing. It was agonizing. And amazing. I didn’t know if I was going to cry or cum. Like Jesus fucking Christ wow. So intense. I can’t wait for it to heal up a bit and I can take it for a test drive.

After that was done, I went to therapy, which went well. We talked about my need to control things and how that translates to me modifying my body, and my fearfulness of men I don’t know well.

That was pretty much the end of my day. I went home, had something to eat, and I’m hoping to get some better sleep tonight than I did last night. I did get my 14g to 12g taper in the mail today and I stretched my nipple piercings to 12g. Eventually I want to bring them up to 10g.

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General · Health

Finding Myself Again (Depression is a Mother Fucking Bitch!)

Tonight, after everyone was asleep, I took a shower. And while I was in there, I realized showering is recently a much more complex affair then it was two months ago. I have antibacterial soap to cleanse my numerous new piercings. I have facial cleanser to wash away the day’s makeup. I have body wash for the rest of my skin. I have an expensive tar shampoo to wash my hair and soothe my scalp. And after I get out, I have a fancy, delicious smelling coconut oil conditioner to work into my hair to make it smooth and shiny and soft. And that’s not even counting if I’m shaving – then there’s soap and razors. Maybe baby oil to rub over my skin afterwards.

Makeup. The day’s makeup. I went literally years without a touch of it on my face and now I’m wearing it almost every day because I feel beautiful with it on. My new piercings. 6 total in the last ten weeks because they make me feel pretty with more planned.

I’ve purchased jewelry that I’m actually wearing. I signed up for Ipsy. I bought nail polish twice in recent weeks and I’ve done my nails 3 times in the last week. My hair is currently in curling rods in the hopes of having fabulous cascading curls tomorrow when I wake up.

My next body mod will be a small tattoo that will be a reminder that I have value and I am worthy of so many things – love, good health, friendship, family, good things in my life. This is a thing I have a problem with and I often forget but I’m working on it with my therapist and all these things above are signs of progress. I feel good about myself for the first time in at least 6 years. I feel WORTHY of self – care for the first time in longer than I can remember.

Depression is a mother fucking bitch. You lose track of what’s important (yourself) and you stop believing in your WORTH. Even with medication, my environment was still a big determiner of how I felt about myself. Getting away from my ex was the best thing I could have done for myself and I only regret not doing it sooner.

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General · Health

I’m Okay

Things have cooled off and I feel like I’m in a much better place emotionally/mentally. I feel calmer, more in control, and less… well, crazy. This is good. I’m okay.

I’ve managed to sell a few more things, including some yarn and some books, and hope to sell more over the next few weeks. I have my car registration coming up in October, and I need to get Yuba neutered, which is going to cost me another hundred bucks or so. Money I don’t typically have just laying around. I also want to get some more piercings, which will cost money too.

Right now, my extra expenses over the next few months are basically $96 car registration, $100 Yuba’s neutering, and whatever it will cost for my next piercings. I’d like a few rings put through my outer labia, a second set of holes in my earlobes, and I kinda want my belly button done but I’m not sure if that can happen because of the scarring I have from two surgeries through my navel. There’s also Bark at the Park in October that I want to take Yuba to, and I would like to have about $30 of spending money for that as well.

I’m working on housebreaking Yuba, which was going really well, but then we got down to one other puppy, and when he was brought inside, everything went to shit. Tonight I’ve got them both in my room and they will both go in the crate tonight and hopefully there won’t be any messes to clean up because in theory they will tell me when they need to go out in the morning and I will rush them outside and treat them for going potty like good puppies.

I don’t really have much else going on right now. Its mostly puppies and puppies and more puppies, and getting holes punched in me. I can’t remember if I posted about it, but a month after I got my nips done, I went back and got a VCH and my septum done too.

Oh! And I finally got the spare room set up as my craft room, so that’s good. I just haven’t done any work in there yet. I started to one day, but it didn’t happen.

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Health

Good News!

After finding out about my additional diagnosis, I spent the next 24 hours or so wracked by intense anxiety. I’m honestly not sure if that was what brought it on or not, but it was rough. I wanted to do anything to change how I was feeling, but Liz convinced me not to do anything (at least not make any decisions except to possibly take a Klonopin) until the anxiety had passed.

The next day I woke up sick. The cold Mattie brought home last week found its new home in me and ugh. I felt like death warmed over. But that’s all crappy stuff.

The good news is I got a letter from Social Security and they are reinstating my SSI payments and will review me again in 3 years. I’m also feeling a lot better today, so that’s good too. 🙂

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Health

Mental Health

So on Wednesday, Dept. of Mental Health called me up and asked me to come in on Friday for an evaluation. I wasn’t totally thrilled about this, but whatever… I’d get through it.

On Thursday night I discovered that DMH has a patient portal website and you can view your records, test results, etc. I signed up, but needed an access code to actually get full functionality.

Friday I went in and met with a really nice woman. She was friendly without trying to be my friend, professional, and straight to the point. She made me as comfortable as possible considering all the things that were asked. The evaluation interview took about 90 minutes and I was out of mental energy at the end of it, but I mentioned a lot of things I had held back before and things my psych Dr. is still unaware of. I basically spilled everything because I figured once its out there, I can either explain it or not, but I can’t unsay it, and I have so many problems I really should be discussing with my Dr but I just don’t.

At the end she asked if there was anything I wanted to do to add to my treatment, like therapy, and I said yes. I said yes to therapy! I meet with her again next week to either definitely become one of her patients, which is what I am hoping for, or to find out whose patient I will become. Either way I’m both nervous and looking forward to it because there are so many things I need to work through. The whole thing was stressful, but I made it through and I think it will be for the better.

When I came home, I logged into the patient portal and input my access code and I found this under my diagnosis:

This is super interesting to me because never in the 8 or 9 years I’ve been going there has anyone ever mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. Its also a tiny bit funny because this is what I self-diagnosed myself with via the internet before I ever went in to the DMH to get help.

Reading over the information on it on a government site, I’m pretty much a textbook case… and Liz pointed out that it can be hard if not impossible to tell a person with a personality disorder that they have one, but damn it! I need all the information! Gimme!

So in short, weird new-to-me diagnosis feelings, excited and scared to start therapy, but super glad to hopefully start working through some shit and move forward.

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Health

Freaking Out

Saturday I got a notice that my disability was being cancelled. I called them and not only are my payments being stopped, but my insurance is being cancelled as well. Why? Because my gynecologist says I’m not disabled. Read that again. My gynecologist says I am not disabled. I had no idea she was a qualified judge of my mental health, or that bipolar disorder and anxiety just vanish one day out of the blue.

I’m going to appeal the decision of course, but until then, this is what I’m looking at.

No insurance means no meds.

No meds means I absolutely cannot work and I will lose pretty much all functionality I have now.

If I can’t work, I definitely can’t afford to pay to get insurance to get my meds. So again, no meds.

With no meds, no functionality, I’ll be reapplying for disability again because I will be unfit for work.

I literally can’t even right now because this is such a fucking clusterfuck.

I can likely still be seen by my psych doctor without income but getting meds is super iffy. And while I would love to work, support myself, and pay my bills like most other people, I can’t even get through a jury duty summons without having panic attacks at the prospect of having to be around strangers for several days running.

I’m high functioning now because I avoid all the things that trigger me and cause me issues. I am med compliant. I do everything I can to make things easier on myself.

But being cut off from my meds and losing my disability status takes all those coping mechanisms away from me and leaves me with nothing but my mental illness.

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Crafting · General · Health · Music

All The Things

I’ve had another violin lesson with the lovely Faustina, and I still love it. Its challenging, but in a good way. My next (3rd) lesson is this Friday and while I’m struggling with my C note (2nd finger, 3rd string), otherwise I’m doing okay. I really should devote a little more time to practicing though. An extra half hour a wek would really make a difference, and that’s really only 5 minutes more a day if I practice 6 days a week.

My guitar I bought that I shared with you previously has been rehabbed, though I did have to rig up a fix for one of its issues. I replaced the tuning heads, the nut, the saddle, and the strings and bridge pins, but discovered after it was strung that there’s something not right with where the nut sits, and my strings were all touching the first fret. I poured, cured, and trimmed a small bit of clear resin to pad under the nut to raise it just a bit to keep the strings of the first fret. I also discovered after all of that (time, effort, money) that the neck is cracked. But it seems to be straight on the front side and playable so I will ignore it until it either gets worse or actually breaks. I’m doing the beginner’s group lesson at Guitar Center on the 17th. It will be a busy day as I will be doing that in the morning, we’ll be taking my FIL shopping after that, and then most likely going to a party in Palmdale.

My FIL has had a knack for scheduling his appointments at the only times I am actually busy, so I made and printed out calendars for him that show all the times I am not available… and he still manages to schedule things for the wrong days and times. *sigh* He scheduled one for this Friday right before my violin lesson…. there’s no way we will have time to get to his Dr’s appointment, then go out to eat, drive him home, drive back to Lancaster, and get to my lesson before 4pm, so I said we will have to go eat before the Dr’s appointment. I know he doesn’t want to get up that early but I did say noon or before 1pm when he was scheduling it and of course he scheduled it for 1pm.

When I go to my next Dr’s appointment I am asking to be taken off of the Trileptal. I don’t feel like it did anything to curb my mild mania, and honestly, I don’t want to take something that seems to do nothing for me. I closed my last credit card down so its going to take a lot of effort for me to do any crazy spending now, and really that’s all I do now if I’m somewhat manic.

I finished this blanket this morning- it was supposed to only be a baby blanket between 36″ and 42″ wide but nope. Once again my color plan took over and it grew and grew. It would be great over a couch or on a twin sized bed. I had to buy another skein of the red to finish it because I literally ran out with 15″ to go before it was done. Ugh. Oh well. At least its a nice red.

 

We are trying to eat a bit better and I stocked up on fruits and veggies this last shopping trip. There will be no excuses for eating like crap. When I bought all the groceries yesterday, the cashier rang up almost all of my fruits and vegetables wrong, but it ended up being to my benefit and I really didn’t feel like correcting her with almost every produce item she typed in.

 

 

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General · Health · Music

New Meds, Ukulele Tune-Up, Happy Anniversary!

Tuesday I had an appointment with my psych doctor, where we discussed I feel fucking fantastic, but strongly suspect I am somewhat manic due to the condition of my one credit card account. Its fairly hemorrhaging money, and spending money is something I do when I’m manic. He suggested trying me on a low dose of Trileptol along with my other meds (Geodon and Zoloft) to see if it balances me out. The mania started around the same time as the Zoloft did. Ugh.

Part of me is like “Just go back on Wellbutrin! You were stable then!” but I had so many side effects from it which is why I went off of it. I really hope this works though, because I am getting tired of making changes and trying to find the magical “this works”.

Last night I decided to very carefully make some adjustments to my DIY kit ukulele and try to tune up the set-up a bit and make it play better. I carefully removed the nut and the saddle and sanded them both down (from the bottom) and reinstalled them. I also gently removed the neck from the body and reglued it, and made it sit a little flatter, and the same thing with the bridge. It seems to play better now, though I realized I actually installed the bridge in not quite the right spot, which means my intonation is a bit off. I didn’t realize when I put it together that the location of the bridge was that important. Eventually I might see about measuring that out (maybe when I change my strings?) and placing at a more optimal position.

Today is mine and Mattie’s 7th anniversary. 7 years with this guy and we’re both still alive! LOL Sashi will be 6 in a few weeks. We got her when we had been together about a year, but I still can’t believe she’s a middle-aged dog now. I have a small gift I made Mattie, and he’s cooking me dinner tonight- chicken, steak, cole slaw, wine. Hopefully the wine doesn’t mix badly with my new medication.

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Health

Donating Blood

After finding out there is a blood donation center here at our local hospital and that I was probably eligible to donate, I drove over last Tuesday morning to see. Its something I’ve wanted to do for some time but never had.

It took me almost twenty minutes to get into the hospital and find the right building because someone had hit a utility pole in front of the hospital that morning and the main street its on was mostly blocked off. Once I got in there, I did the questionnaire, and I was in the comfy chair all ready to get poked… and then the power went out.

With no power they don’t have reliable blood storage, so I got sent home. But ten minutes after I got home, they called me back, so I hopped back in the car again. This time we were in business!

No one warned me they use a 16 gauge needle for donations- something about not damaging the actual cells in the blood I guess. I think a 14 gauge is used for implanting microchips so that’s a pretty big freaking needle. And I have tiny veins.

The lady had to keep fiddling with it, but I gave my pint and say down to enjoy my snack. It was like being in kindergarten again. Cookies and juice… LOL. After that I drove home and went on with my day. I’m super glad I finally did it though and will definitely do it again!

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