I’m feeling so overwhelmed right now, between school, and trying to keep up a normal idea of life with this damn virus going around. We had a week off from classes, and suddenly I’m behind. My grades are in the gutter right now. I’m struggling.
Tonight I had 6 sections of math due and two quizzes. I managed to get 4+ sections and one quiz done, so I’ll be finishing the rest tomorrow afternoon…. Which is when the electrician is supposed to come to I might now have electricity/internet for a few hours. Grrr.
I also have about an hour of Spanish homework to finish tomorrow and get through at least 3 assignments for A&P II and my brain is just going “say fuck it. Don’t even bother,” because it’s so much work.
I know if I take my time and actually do things in the chunks that align with the due dates and a little more, I’ll be caught up before spring break, which is next week.
But ugh. Right now I just feel like giving up.
I can’t even say a little retail therapy is helping, because it’s not, but I am getting some cleaning and organizing done, and by the time this quarentine is lifted, my car is going to be filled with donations for thrift.
Last week I bought a few things at the grocery store I wanted to try. Things that I want sure how they would fit into Weight Watchers. But they did fit in and I did like them, so today I went back to the store to really shop.
I tried to follow the whole “shop the perimeter” rule but some things I do buy canned. I spent $95 on 54 food items.
- Cottage cheese (3 cups x 4) $7.92
- Plain yogurt (3 cups x 1) $2.16
- Italian seasoned chicken breasts (2 bags) $12.78
- Chicken breast tenderloins (1 bag). $7.80
- Ground turkey (3 lbs) $9.18
- Salmon burgers (2 lbs) $10.96
- Southwest style beans (6 cans) $5.88
- Alfredo sauce (1 jar) $1.97
- Sardines (15 tins) $13.65
- White vinegar $0.94
- Mackerel (2 cans) $3.70
- Diced tomatoes (2 cans) $1.96
- Oranges (8 lbs) $3.98
- Grapes (2 lbs) $2.59
- Carrots (1 lbs) $0.78
- Mushrooms $1.98
- Onions (2 lbs) $1.87
- Pineapple $1.98
- Green cabbage $1.40
- Asparagus $1.42
I already have things like canned tuna, Mac n cheese, shrimp, rice, pasta…. So I should be able to make some good stuff plus have yummy snacks!
I joined Weight Watchers this morning. It helped me lose a lot of weight before and I really need to do it all again. I hurt. My body isn’t strong like it was. I’m tired all the time. I have pretty bad sleep apnea because of my weight. I can go on and on.
I joined up, downloaded the app, and logged in. I input my height and weight. I started tracking my food.
Later tonight, I was browsing the app in more detail and discovered my weight was listed at almost 700 pounds! Apparently when I input my weight in pounds, it registered as kilograms, then converted back to pounds. Took a few minutes to fix it but it explained why my points allowances seemed so generous.
I logged my steps and the stair climbing I did today, which earned me a whole 3 points. That’s basically nothing but I know I can do better.
I don’t really talk about the details of my mental illness here a lot. When I do mention it, it’s kind of in an oblique way. But tonight I’m going to talk about some really personal things.
I have bipolar disorder, which while I’m on a great couple of meds that keep me feeling pretty good most days, I do occasionally experience what’s called hypomania. Literally, “below mania.” It’s like being able to have super focus, really get into tasks, get all the things done. It’s sleeping a little less, but because you’re not really manic, and that string of depression is still there, you’re still in control and able to steer the boat. You’re still taking care of yourself, eating meals, getting enough sleep, bathing. You’re driven to succeed, and the more you get done, the more you need to do more.
And after a few days, maybe a week, it stops. Now you’ve got the motivation of a sleepy sloth and maybe you will sleep for 12 hours because there’s no real reason to get out of bed.
This is a real thing for me. I just spent 4 days hypomanic and after coming home tonight, I crashed into the don’t cares. But before I crashed, let me tell you what I did.
- I went to a special sale at my moms work, which was kind of like a mini Black Friday. Between my mom and I, we came home with a lot of stuff.
- I went through all the stuff and divided it into 5 categories. For Tracy, for Jami, for Jessica, for myself, and to be stashed for future giving.
- I put everything away that I was going to keep. Not only did I put things away, I reorganized half of my craft room because once I started moving things around, a light went on showing me how I could make everything better.
- As I worked to reorganize, I started pulling stuff aside to be donated to thrift. As it stands right now, the entire backseat of my car is filled with donations. I didn’t stop at just my craft room. I went through all my clothing, my entire closet, things on shelves in my room. I also selected some things to offer up for free to my online friends.
- I did 5 or 6 loads of dishes, several loads of laundry, collected the recycling from around the kitchen, and bagged up several kitchen trash bags full of trash. I put the old lemons down the disposal and I cooked a couple meals.
- I visited with our neighbors. They’re great people, but I tend to keep to myself, so being social like that is also tied into hypomania for me.
- I worked for several hours on projects. I framed a big project I finished a while ago. I removed some listings from my shop and added others.
And it all came to an end today after taking a big exam in class. I was suddenly exhausted, and had to make myself gas up the car and head home. Once I got home, I heated some leftovers and crawled into bed to watch Netflix. Hypomania over. I don’t even want to get up to pee.
So why am I telling you all this? Because this is how I work. I can’t do anything for weeks and then, if I’m “lucky,” an episode comes on and I get everything done. I make new art. I make jewelry. I stitch some stuff up.
Right now I’m currently taking one single course at a community college. Next semester I’ll be taking two. And two the next semester. And then I’ll be going full time to learn the skills needed to become an MLT. I’m excited but I know it’s going to be hard. I’m going to have days where I just can’t do it. But I want this and I want to put myself in a better place financially. I want to be a functional member of society who is self sufficient.
But I’m taking it one day at a time. Baby steps.
I think my brain is working towards hypomania… I’ve been busting my ass organizing and culling stuff to be donated or just thrown away.
Last night I went through all my clothes and everything that is nowhere near able to fit or just not my style anymore was washed and loaded into the car to be donated. There was an entire kitchen trash bag full and then a bit more. I also added a pair of almost brand new heels that while super cute, I just don’t wear heels anymore. So cute though. Wish I could justify keeping them.
I went through the end of my closet where all my kitchen stuff plus some random other stuff is and added a ton of computer paper to the donation pile. I also decided to donate some of my stuffed animals. Someone is going to get some super cute giraffe stuffies!
I still have a stack of papers to go through and figure out where to put my drop spindle and fiber, but that shouldn’t be too hard. I’m thinking about posting photos of my pvc ukulele stand to offer it up for sale. I don’t need it and can’t use it unless by some miracle we get rid of the mice in this house.
I still need to study for my exam that’s this evening. Hopefully I can at least get a C this time.
I’m feeling a bit more rested at this point after the weekend. I spent 18 hours over 3 afternoons and evenings making small talk with strangers, answering questions and assuring every single person who approached my table that I did indeed make every single thing on both of my tables. Some people wanted to know the mechanics of how certain items were made too so that was less tedious and kinda fun to talk about.
The first day I brought in a whole $19 which was basically gas money to get there and back twice.
The second day I made enough combined with the first day to cover my transportation costs for the weekend, the $30 space fee, and enough to cover the cost of materials for what I sold plus about $8 for myself. Not great but it meant that anything I brought in on Sunday would actually be profit.
Sunday was my best day. I made a couple good sales, including a baby blanket for $35 at the end of the night. I probably could have made a few more sales but I was so exhausted by then I packed up a few minutes early and drove home.
Sunday night in a kik chat I was lamenting my inability to get a good haircut and a couple guys recommended my going to a black barber. Figured what the hell so Monday morning I went to a black barbershop, had my first actually enjoyable haircut experience, and left looking fabulous.
After that I grabbed some lunch where a random guy asked if I was “down with the crystal” b was bizarre because I’m so not the type to do let alone sell drugs. Ugh.
After that I found a tattoo shop who’s piercer was in and had my left nipple repierced. It was so weird. When I had them done the first time it was super painful and they stayed super painful for weeks. This time it was just a quick pain and it was over. There’s just a tiny dull ache now but ibuprofen is keeping it and the swelling down.
Tomorrow I need to finish unloading my car and put everything away from the weekend.