Health

My Success

My therapist asked me to write about my own success story as a kind of graduation out of one on one therapy. To start with how I felt when I started with her a year ago, and end with how I feel about myself today. This is what I wrote.


My Success

A year ago I started therapy. I was anxious, even scared, about what it would be like. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t bathing, or sleeping well, or putting on clean clothes. I worried about everything. I had just broken up with my now ex-boyfriend and my entire world was upside down. I had to move back in with my mom and I didn’t want to. I was worried about living with her because we didn’t have the best relationship when I was a child.

I learned pretty quickly that my therapist was non-judgemental, and open to discussing whatever I needed to talk about that week. She gave me a safe space to not worry about what might be thought of me, and to reflect on myself with her gentle guidance. At the same time, I started doing things that let me feel in control of my body, since I couldn’t control anything else in my life right then. This took the form of several piercings, some easily visible, some more intimate. I changed my hair. I started wearing make-up more often. I showered. I put on clean clothes.

I got a puppy, and I started cleaning the house. I slowly stopped worrying about the things that had bothered me- if my pup was safe, if I was safe, if I would have a place to live. My piercings became less frequent, though I still got a few new ones, as well as a tattoo. The word WORTHY on my foot. Because I am.

I learned to look at things that had happened to me in a different way. My mom did the best she could for me. Not all the bad things that happened to me as a child were her fault. She loves me and thinks I’m just fine the way I am. Realizing that made a big difference in how I felt living with her and her boyfriend, and things got better.

I realized my ex was even more of a self-centered, bullying, and verbally and emotionally abusive asshole than I had let myself see before we broke up. Good riddance to bad garbage. I stopped talking to him completely and blocked him on social media. There was nothing good he brought into my life. I felt good about that.

All of these changes, and talking about these things while my therapist reframed them for me to consider made me see I am worthy of my own love and affection. I am worthy of others’ love and affection. I am worth working on to become a better, strong, more emotionally secure person. I’m worth taking care of. I am, all of me, worth it. I’m smart. I’m capable. I’m a good craft artist and a great dog mom. I can and do learn new things all the time. I can take care of myself and I can be my own success story. I am not a failure.

I AM WORTHY.

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General · Health

Am I Happy?

Today I was supposed to have group therapy but I was the only one who showed up. Some group… Lol. But because my regular therapist is a facilitator for the group, she did one on one with me today instead of tomorrow and it went amazingly well today.

A lot of weeks I have a really hard time opening up and talking about anything. It’s not that I feel judged or unsafe with her, I just don’t know how to say what I want to say. But today I had something I wanted to talk about right away. That something that happened on Rav made me take a minute to write down all the things I’ve done here at my mom’s since I moved in 11 months ago. And that I’ve really done a lot, and helped my mom a lot and I don’t give myself credit for all the work that I’ve put in.

And I just kept talking for an hour. At one point she asked me how it feels to be the adult in my household. I said I didn’t really mind, things are working pretty smoothly, and it’s a lot easier to parent my mom and her bf than it was to parent my ex.

And then she asked what my long term goals are. I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately.

  • I want to pay off my debt, which will take about 3 years.
  • I want to buy 2 acres of dirt near some power lines (they charge you by distance to run lines into your property)
  • I want to have power brought in and a well dug and a fence put up
  • I want to buy a mobile home for me and my dogs

Then she asked me how I’m going to achieve my first goal. I told her I have an appointment in about 8 weeks with the department of rehab to try to get back into the job force, and I have been selling off or returning things I no longer want or need, as well as selling things in my shop and putting that small income towards my debt. It’s slow, but I’m slowly chipping away at it.

Then she asked me if I’m dating anyone and still seeing my friends. I told her I don’t feel any need to be dating – I’ve never really minded being single, it’s just sex I miss. And I see friends about once a month which is fine because I pretty okay with almost being a hermit. As long as I can reach out and have a conversation across some sort of media, I don’t need to see people often.

That was pretty much the end of our session but I feel really good right now because having a purpose (okay right now my purpose is cleaning and purging my mom’s house) makes me feel complete. It makes me honestly feel happy because I’m doing something positive with my time.

I’m in a good place right now. Dare I say I’m kinda happy?

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Health

So Fucking Depressed

So next Sunday is my birthday. I’m turning 37. And with it being my birthday soon, just like every year, I’m depressed. It’s not because I’m getting older- I really don’t mind aging and I look forward to one day having beautiful silver hair. But for me, my birthday is a reminder that I’ve failed. I still haven’t managed to be self sufficient, I still have to spend on others to get by, I can’t even afford a shitty little apartment or trailer. And now I have all this stupid debt because I haven’t been careful with my money so I’m at least 3 years out from being able to start saving to actually do something about my living situation. And it makes me want to crawl under a rock and fucking die.

I’m not suicidal. But I’m so fucking low and on top of the birthday depression, I think my current living situation only adds to it as does the knowledge that my debt has dug a hole I can’t immediately get out of. And all of this is so fucking exhausting.

I really hope by this time next month I’ll have bounced back a bit. Tracy and Jami will be wanting to get together in the coming weeks, which will be a good thing. I haven’t seen friends in months, and some of my friendships are feeling neglected.

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Health · Kinky Fun

Even My Therapist… 

I saw my therapist Thursday and we talked about some hard stuff. Mainly my childhood, and how my still current need to be submissive and good has been pounded into me since I was a little girl – don’t get emotional, don’t cry (or I’ll give you something to cry about!), don’t get angry, don’t act out, always follow directions… Do whatever it takes to get that “good girl” and a pat on the head. She had me pegged as submissive from the first time we talked about sex and BDSM even though I hadn’t actually said how I identify.

The difference now is I can control who I give that to. I can control who I allow to punish me if I’m naughty. I am in control and I’m not the same scared little girl. But sometimes I am still scared. What if I’m not a good girl? What if I never get that gentle caress and praise?

Logically, I know the world won’t end. I’ll still be okay, I’ll still be me, but I crave those two words so strongly and I have since I was a wee thing, and I wonder if that will ever change.

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Beauty · General · Health

This Week

I popped by Horizon Comics yesterday and I picked these up. I’m looking forward to reading them, and soon picking up vol. 3 of Paper Girls.

Today I got all summered up in my flamingo dress, lobster earrings, and flowers in my hair. I thought about adding a summery hat too but decided that was enough.

My first stop was CVS, where I picked up a lip brush, this cleanser, and an Rx. This stuff is great! I’m already in love with their moisturizer which I use almost daily, and when I got home, I washed my face with it and my make-up just rinsed right away.

Before I came home though I did some window shopping at Guitar Center (where I saw almost my perfect dream bass for $700+) and almost came home with a new Luna uke. She has the sweetest voice.

I also went to see Stephanie at Hottie Body and we finally did my triangle piercing. It was agonizing. And amazing. I didn’t know if I was going to cry or cum. Like Jesus fucking Christ wow. So intense. I can’t wait for it to heal up a bit and I can take it for a test drive.

After that was done, I went to therapy, which went well. We talked about my need to control things and how that translates to me modifying my body, and my fearfulness of men I don’t know well.

That was pretty much the end of my day. I went home, had something to eat, and I’m hoping to get some better sleep tonight than I did last night. I did get my 14g to 12g taper in the mail today and I stretched my nipple piercings to 12g. Eventually I want to bring them up to 10g.

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General · Health

Finding Myself Again (Depression is a Mother Fucking Bitch!)

Tonight, after everyone was asleep, I took a shower. And while I was in there, I realized showering is recently a much more complex affair then it was two months ago. I have antibacterial soap to cleanse my numerous new piercings. I have facial cleanser to wash away the day’s makeup. I have body wash for the rest of my skin. I have an expensive tar shampoo to wash my hair and soothe my scalp. And after I get out, I have a fancy, delicious smelling coconut oil conditioner to work into my hair to make it smooth and shiny and soft. And that’s not even counting if I’m shaving – then there’s soap and razors. Maybe baby oil to rub over my skin afterwards.

Makeup. The day’s makeup. I went literally years without a touch of it on my face and now I’m wearing it almost every day because I feel beautiful with it on. My new piercings. 6 total in the last ten weeks because they make me feel pretty with more planned.

I’ve purchased jewelry that I’m actually wearing. I signed up for Ipsy. I bought nail polish twice in recent weeks and I’ve done my nails 3 times in the last week. My hair is currently in curling rods in the hopes of having fabulous cascading curls tomorrow when I wake up.

My next body mod will be a small tattoo that will be a reminder that I have value and I am worthy of so many things – love, good health, friendship, family, good things in my life. This is a thing I have a problem with and I often forget but I’m working on it with my therapist and all these things above are signs of progress. I feel good about myself for the first time in at least 6 years. I feel WORTHY of self – care for the first time in longer than I can remember.

Depression is a mother fucking bitch. You lose track of what’s important (yourself) and you stop believing in your WORTH. Even with medication, my environment was still a big determiner of how I felt about myself. Getting away from my ex was the best thing I could have done for myself and I only regret not doing it sooner.

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General · Health

I’m Okay

Things have cooled off and I feel like I’m in a much better place emotionally/mentally. I feel calmer, more in control, and less… well, crazy. This is good. I’m okay.

I’ve managed to sell a few more things, including some yarn and some books, and hope to sell more over the next few weeks. I have my car registration coming up in October, and I need to get Yuba neutered, which is going to cost me another hundred bucks or so. Money I don’t typically have just laying around. I also want to get some more piercings, which will cost money too.

Right now, my extra expenses over the next few months are basically $96 car registration, $100 Yuba’s neutering, and whatever it will cost for my next piercings. I’d like a few rings put through my outer labia, a second set of holes in my earlobes, and I kinda want my belly button done but I’m not sure if that can happen because of the scarring I have from two surgeries through my navel. There’s also Bark at the Park in October that I want to take Yuba to, and I would like to have about $30 of spending money for that as well.

I’m working on housebreaking Yuba, which was going really well, but then we got down to one other puppy, and when he was brought inside, everything went to shit. Tonight I’ve got them both in my room and they will both go in the crate tonight and hopefully there won’t be any messes to clean up because in theory they will tell me when they need to go out in the morning and I will rush them outside and treat them for going potty like good puppies.

I don’t really have much else going on right now. Its mostly puppies and puppies and more puppies, and getting holes punched in me. I can’t remember if I posted about it, but a month after I got my nips done, I went back and got a VCH and my septum done too.

Oh! And I finally got the spare room set up as my craft room, so that’s good. I just haven’t done any work in there yet. I started to one day, but it didn’t happen.

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Health

Good News!

After finding out about my additional diagnosis, I spent the next 24 hours or so wracked by intense anxiety. I’m honestly not sure if that was what brought it on or not, but it was rough. I wanted to do anything to change how I was feeling, but Liz convinced me not to do anything (at least not make any decisions except to possibly take a Klonopin) until the anxiety had passed.

The next day I woke up sick. The cold Mattie brought home last week found its new home in me and ugh. I felt like death warmed over. But that’s all crappy stuff.

The good news is I got a letter from Social Security and they are reinstating my SSI payments and will review me again in 3 years. I’m also feeling a lot better today, so that’s good too. 🙂

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Health

Mental Health

So on Wednesday, Dept. of Mental Health called me up and asked me to come in on Friday for an evaluation. I wasn’t totally thrilled about this, but whatever… I’d get through it.

On Thursday night I discovered that DMH has a patient portal website and you can view your records, test results, etc. I signed up, but needed an access code to actually get full functionality.

Friday I went in and met with a really nice woman. She was friendly without trying to be my friend, professional, and straight to the point. She made me as comfortable as possible considering all the things that were asked. The evaluation interview took about 90 minutes and I was out of mental energy at the end of it, but I mentioned a lot of things I had held back before and things my psych Dr. is still unaware of. I basically spilled everything because I figured once its out there, I can either explain it or not, but I can’t unsay it, and I have so many problems I really should be discussing with my Dr but I just don’t.

At the end she asked if there was anything I wanted to do to add to my treatment, like therapy, and I said yes. I said yes to therapy! I meet with her again next week to either definitely become one of her patients, which is what I am hoping for, or to find out whose patient I will become. Either way I’m both nervous and looking forward to it because there are so many things I need to work through. The whole thing was stressful, but I made it through and I think it will be for the better.

When I came home, I logged into the patient portal and input my access code and I found this under my diagnosis:

This is super interesting to me because never in the 8 or 9 years I’ve been going there has anyone ever mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. Its also a tiny bit funny because this is what I self-diagnosed myself with via the internet before I ever went in to the DMH to get help.

Reading over the information on it on a government site, I’m pretty much a textbook case… and Liz pointed out that it can be hard if not impossible to tell a person with a personality disorder that they have one, but damn it! I need all the information! Gimme!

So in short, weird new-to-me diagnosis feelings, excited and scared to start therapy, but super glad to hopefully start working through some shit and move forward.

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Health

Freaking Out

Saturday I got a notice that my disability was being cancelled. I called them and not only are my payments being stopped, but my insurance is being cancelled as well. Why? Because my gynecologist says I’m not disabled. Read that again. My gynecologist says I am not disabled. I had no idea she was a qualified judge of my mental health, or that bipolar disorder and anxiety just vanish one day out of the blue.

I’m going to appeal the decision of course, but until then, this is what I’m looking at.

No insurance means no meds.

No meds means I absolutely cannot work and I will lose pretty much all functionality I have now.

If I can’t work, I definitely can’t afford to pay to get insurance to get my meds. So again, no meds.

With no meds, no functionality, I’ll be reapplying for disability again because I will be unfit for work.

I literally can’t even right now because this is such a fucking clusterfuck.

I can likely still be seen by my psych doctor without income but getting meds is super iffy. And while I would love to work, support myself, and pay my bills like most other people, I can’t even get through a jury duty summons without having panic attacks at the prospect of having to be around strangers for several days running.

I’m high functioning now because I avoid all the things that trigger me and cause me issues. I am med compliant. I do everything I can to make things easier on myself.

But being cut off from my meds and losing my disability status takes all those coping mechanisms away from me and leaves me with nothing but my mental illness.

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