Kinky Fun

Fetishes

I was browsing the internet (okay, one specific site and if you’re a member you’ll know which one) and I came across a fetish on someone’s profile.

to be spanked until you cry

This made my brain light up all the dopamine receptors because holy crap. This is my kink.

There’s a lot of “kinky” (I put kinky in quotes cause it really is subjective) things I would like to try, and quite a few I’m into, but this one is pretty non-sexual.

I strongly prefer a bare-bottom and bare-handed spanking, (I want that harsh, hot sting) hard enough to leave me shaking and in tears. After that I just want to be cuddled until I fall asleep. It’s a pretty simple thing, but most people won’t use enough force to put me in that place. That delicious, floaty, warm place.

It’s not as simple as just finding someone to do it though. I need to know that you know me well enough to judge what I need and how to administer it. And you need to be able to actually strike me hard enough to get the job done. I also need to have trust in you that you’ll take the time to offer aftercare and coddle me a bit afterwards.

That second bit is tough to get from a lot of vanilla people because they don’t understand that pain can be a really beautiful thing. And I get it. Plenty of people don’t like pain. Plenty of people don’t get turned on by it. I do. I love it.

Not Being Selfish is Fucking Hard

Chatting with a long-time friend tonight, I expressed my frustration with what I’m not finding. He asked me to make a list of everything I need in a partner. This was my list :

  • Dominant but not domineering
  • Really okay with butt stuff
  • Monogamous
  • Patient
  • Exploratory but not pushy; respect for my limits
  • Safe, clean, hygienic
  • Not afraid to physically hurt me (maybe more than a little)
  • Excellent communicator

And then we reviewed my list. And that brought up all the damned feels because monogamy, and his lack of it, is the one (really big) place we don’t line up. And it’s so frustrating because we’d make each other miserable, having to be what we’re not, and neither of us are willing to stand in the way of the others happiness.

There’s a lot of love between us. The sex was always great. And he’s the only one I’ve not only been able to submit to, but have wanted to give him my submission willingly and without question. He does things for me nobody else ever has. He’s the fucking bar everyone else is held up to and then falls short.

So tonight I sleep, frustrated, sad, wishful, and dreaming of his touch. Because everything I want is just out of reach.

Adulting Like A Motherfucker

Anyone who knows me, knows I have problems with setting boundaries, and expressing my thoughts and feelings to other people. I had multiple conversations in the last 24 hours where I adulted like a motherfucker. I’m proud of myself.

  1. Last night I was talking to an old friend I recently reconnected with. Years ago, we used to hang out all the time, and since we have the same middle and last name, we called each other Mr and Mrs W——. Anyway, he was talking about how this girl he’s been seeing is all drama and games and I told him stop playing with little girls, get your shit together, and set an example for your son. His response cracked me up – “oh shit! My wife is finally back!”
  2. I had an honest conversation with C, who contacted me after the party last Saturday and we’ve been talking since. I was clear that while I like him and want to get to know him better, a big hurdle in any sort of dating or whatever is that he’s poly, and I am absolutely not. However, I think at the least he would make a great friend and future partner in crime. It’s fucking wonderful to be wanted though!
  3. I had a conversation with J explaining more of my living situation as well as that while I find a lot of women attractive, I’m not really into them like I am men. That his wife is adorable, but it was more of a spur of the moment thing. He invited me to another party the weekend after this one but…

I am hopefully getting together with an old friend not this weekend but next, and I’m excited and can’t wait. This person is literally the only person who can turn me into a mewling puddle with just a look and I just want him to use me. I trust him completely and his touch is heaven. To say I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen is an understatement.

Party Time

Last night I went to a party. It was a housewarming + birthday party, followed by a play party. I was a little nervous leading up to things, but I sucked it up like a big girl and went. I had invited a friend to be my +1,but he ended up having to work and wasn’t sure he was brave enough for that kind of party… Lol.

Anyway, the first half went great – I was a little drunk and was talking mostly to a couple I had just met. Attractive, nice, friendly people.

The second half of the party, I ended up playing with the couple. Afterwards I commented that his wife was the first woman I had kissed in like 15 years. He realized then he never asked me if I was even into women – not too big of a deal though because I feel like bodies are just vessels we’re poured into and secondary to other traits of attraction. I’m pretty flexible, though I primarily like men.

I also shared a few wonderful kisses with the hostess, something I wanted to do when I first met her months ago.

I ended up heading home around 4am, got home around 5am, and the pups were super excited to see me. I had a hard time getting them off of my bed so I could get some sleep… Lol.

So all in all, a good night! I’m slightly hung over (just a headache) but I’ll live. And I got invited to another party next weekend.

Even My Therapist… 

I saw my therapist Thursday and we talked about some hard stuff. Mainly my childhood, and how my still current need to be submissive and good has been pounded into me since I was a little girl – don’t get emotional, don’t cry (or I’ll give you something to cry about!), don’t get angry, don’t act out, always follow directions… Do whatever it takes to get that “good girl” and a pat on the head. She had me pegged as submissive from the first time we talked about sex and BDSM even though I hadn’t actually said how I identify.

The difference now is I can control who I give that to. I can control who I allow to punish me if I’m naughty. I am in control and I’m not the same scared little girl. But sometimes I am still scared. What if I’m not a good girl? What if I never get that gentle caress and praise?

Logically, I know the world won’t end. I’ll still be okay, I’ll still be me, but I crave those two words so strongly and I have since I was a wee thing, and I wonder if that will ever change.