Kinky Fun

Not Being Selfish is Fucking Hard

Chatting with a long-time friend tonight, I expressed my frustration with what I’m not finding. He asked me to make a list of everything I need in a partner. This was my list :

  • Dominant but not domineering
  • Really okay with butt stuff
  • Monogamous
  • Patient
  • Exploratory but not pushy; respect for my limits
  • Safe, clean, hygienic
  • Not afraid to physically hurt me (maybe more than a little)
  • Excellent communicator

And then we reviewed my list. And that brought up all the damned feels because monogamy, and his lack of it, is the one (really big) place we don’t line up. And it’s so frustrating because we’d make each other miserable, having to be what we’re not, and neither of us are willing to stand in the way of the others happiness.

There’s a lot of love between us. The sex was always great. And he’s the only one I’ve not only been able to submit to, but have wanted to give him my submission willingly and without question. He does things for me nobody else ever has. He’s the fucking bar everyone else is held up to and then falls short.

So tonight I sleep, frustrated, sad, wishful, and dreaming of his touch. Because everything I want is just out of reach.

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Kinky Fun

Adulting Like A Motherfucker

Anyone who knows me, knows I have problems with setting boundaries, and expressing my thoughts and feelings to other people. I had multiple conversations in the last 24 hours where I adulted like a motherfucker. I’m proud of myself.

  1. Last night I was talking to an old friend I recently reconnected with. Years ago, we used to hang out all the time, and since we have the same middle and last name, we called each other Mr and Mrs W——. Anyway, he was talking about how this girl he’s been seeing is all drama and games and I told him stop playing with little girls, get your shit together, and set an example for your son. His response cracked me up – “oh shit! My wife is finally back!”
  2. I had an honest conversation with C, who contacted me after the party last Saturday and we’ve been talking since. I was clear that while I like him and want to get to know him better, a big hurdle in any sort of dating or whatever is that he’s poly, and I am absolutely not. However, I think at the least he would make a great friend and future partner in crime. It’s fucking wonderful to be wanted though!
  3. I had a conversation with J explaining more of my living situation as well as that while I find a lot of women attractive, I’m not really into them like I am men. That his wife is adorable, but it was more of a spur of the moment thing. He invited me to another party the weekend after this one but…

I am hopefully getting together with an old friend not this weekend but next, and I’m excited and can’t wait. This person is literally the only person who can turn me into a mewling puddle with just a look and I just want him to use me. I trust him completely and his touch is heaven. To say I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen is an understatement.

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Kinky Fun

Party Time

Last night I went to a party. It was a housewarming + birthday party, followed by a play party. I was a little nervous leading up to things, but I sucked it up like a big girl and went. I had invited a friend to be my +1,but he ended up having to work and wasn’t sure he was brave enough for that kind of party… Lol.

Anyway, the first half went great – I was a little drunk and was talking mostly to a couple I had just met. Attractive, nice, friendly people.

The second half of the party, I ended up playing with the couple. Afterwards I commented that his wife was the first woman I had kissed in like 15 years. He realized then he never asked me if I was even into women – not too big of a deal though because I feel like bodies are just vessels we’re poured into and secondary to other traits of attraction. I’m pretty flexible, though I primarily like men.

I also shared a few wonderful kisses with the hostess, something I wanted to do when I first met her months ago.

I ended up heading home around 4am, got home around 5am, and the pups were super excited to see me. I had a hard time getting them off of my bed so I could get some sleep… Lol.

So all in all, a good night! I’m slightly hung over (just a headache) but I’ll live. And I got invited to another party next weekend.

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Health · Kinky Fun

Even My Therapist… 

I saw my therapist Thursday and we talked about some hard stuff. Mainly my childhood, and how my still current need to be submissive and good has been pounded into me since I was a little girl – don’t get emotional, don’t cry (or I’ll give you something to cry about!), don’t get angry, don’t act out, always follow directions… Do whatever it takes to get that “good girl” and a pat on the head. She had me pegged as submissive from the first time we talked about sex and BDSM even though I hadn’t actually said how I identify.

The difference now is I can control who I give that to. I can control who I allow to punish me if I’m naughty. I am in control and I’m not the same scared little girl. But sometimes I am still scared. What if I’m not a good girl? What if I never get that gentle caress and praise?

Logically, I know the world won’t end. I’ll still be okay, I’ll still be me, but I crave those two words so strongly and I have since I was a wee thing, and I wonder if that will ever change.

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General · Kinky Fun

Party Weekend 

Friday night I spent a bit longer than usual on my face, grabbed my favorite tote bag with a few things in it, and drove into town. I was going to a party. A birthday party. But not just a birthday party, a kinky play party too. It was going to be a first for me but I psyched myself up and told myself it would be okay because the hostess, the only person I really knew on any level, assured me it was just friends and no random people.

I pulled up in front of her house and spent a few minutes breathing deeply. You can do this. Just walk in. This is a safe place. It’s okay. When I was ready I grabbed my tote, and walked up to the door. I rant the doorbell and my friend answered.

As people started showing up, I realized I had met a few of them before at the few munches I attended, and those I didn’t know were really nice. I had changed into a crochet dress/cover-up with nothing under it which got a lot of compliments and honestly even though all of me was on display, I was very comfortable wearing it. My mom definitely instilled a sense of body positivity in me – she was always wandering around naked in the evenings so to me nakedness is no big deal.

The birthday boy was turning 20. I hadn’t met him before but he seemed nice. He asked if anyone wanted a flogging. My hand shot up because this is on my to-do list. Someing I’ve wanted to experience. We discussed what was okay and what wasn’t (I basically said I was open to whatever because I hate setting limits on things I don’t really know about) and we got started. He began very gently and worked up to harder strikes. And my friends! It was delightful! I loved it! Afterwards he rubbed me down with lotion, and after asking if it was okay, brought me to orgasm via g-spot. Such a nice experience. Then I spent close to an hour talking to a beautiful trans woman who told me about her transition and just general conversation. She had brought a Sibian machine, which another woman rode and I kind of wish I had too.

There was a hot tub and I spent quite a bit of time in there chatting with the guy who took some of the extra furniture we had around here. Almost everyone was feeling the effects of the edibles someone brought, except me. I’ve yet to get high and I had no desire to at that point.

After that I spent some time in the living room chatting with a Dom and at one point he asked if he could spank me. I was on my knees and bent over the couch with my dress pulled up to my waist in about ten seconds. He struck me 12 times and harder than anyone else has done. I loved it. We spent some more time talking and not long after the evening was done.

I had a really good time, made some new friends, and would definitely attend again. I went home, found and friend requested most of the people I met on Fet and went to sleep.

Saturday my friend’s parents were throwing a party. I’m not sure what happened, but literally no one was there in my age bracket except 3 role, 2 of which didn’t stay long. The 3rd…we had a falling out a while back and I had him blocked on most social media but he apologized and it was us and a bunch of people who could be our parents.

Much rum and coke was drunk by me, and I was fairly drunk. After I sobered up, I left taking the other person my age home with me. There was some kissing and some oral stuff, but that was it – we cuddled the rest of the night and I drove him home in the morning since I needed to go grocery shopping anyway.

He told me he met Mattie’s new girlfriend and she’s dumb ass a box of rocks but doesn’t know anything else about her. I was a little disappointed in the lack of gossip… Lol.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time texting the Dom and discussing limits and things we both like and don’t like and I think we’re mostly on the same page. Hopefully soon we can arrange to have a play date and see how it goes. I’m excited to explore this more.