General

Fuck Me…

I’m literally lying in bed trying not to throw up. I’ve already vomited four times this evening, of course right after I took my evening meds. My anxiety levels are through the roof because there was a big “this changes everything” moment this afternoon and my brain, my stupid girl brain, is freaking out. I saw my therapist today but I still haven’t told her everything about this situation because I feel guilty about it. I know when I do tell her, and I will, she’s going to ask me to tell her why I felt guilty.

The person I’ve been been casually seeing since Mattie and I broke up, his (negligent, absent) wife finally agreed to a divorce. And at the same time, my feelings are changing in a way I’ve seen before. Several times over the last 15 years that we’ve known each other, we’ve come together and I always end up with feelings towards ┬áhim. But the other times I backed off, kept it light, and made sure nothing came of it because I didn’t want to be tied to anyone.

But now it’s different and the news of his wife’s decision tells me something will change, but it could go so many ways and I hate the not knowing. My anxiety is ramped up because I like to tackle things head-on, as soon as they arise, and I can’t do that now. I have to wait and see what happens, continue to be a supportive friend (because he is my friend and a good friend) and not drop my crap on him right now because Holy mother of Batman this is the worst possible timing for a case of the feels.

But fuck me. This is hard and I’m equally fucked up about his emotional state right now as I am my own. I feel unstable. I feel unsure. I feel afraid and worried. And even though I’m an emotional hot mess all of a sudden, I still want to mother hen the crap out of him to make him feel better.

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