Health

So Fucking Depressed

So next Sunday is my birthday. I’m turning 37. And with it being my birthday soon, just like every year, I’m depressed. It’s not because I’m getting older- I really don’t mind aging and I look forward to one day having beautiful silver hair. But for me, my birthday is a reminder that I’ve failed. I still haven’t managed to be self sufficient, I still have to spend on others to get by, I can’t even afford a shitty little apartment or trailer. And now I have all this stupid debt because I haven’t been careful with my money so I’m at least 3 years out from being able to start saving to actually do something about my living situation. And it makes me want to crawl under a rock and fucking die.

I’m not suicidal. But I’m so fucking low and on top of the birthday depression, I think my current living situation only adds to it as does the knowledge that my debt has dug a hole I can’t immediately get out of. And all of this is so fucking exhausting.

I really hope by this time next month I’ll have bounced back a bit. Tracy and Jami will be wanting to get together in the coming weeks, which will be a good thing. I haven’t seen friends in months, and some of my friendships are feeling neglected.

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Dreamtime

Terrible Dream

The other day, I woke up and almost called 911 for myself. I literally had to talk myself down and convince myself what I thought happened was just a dream and it wasn’t real.

In my dream, I woke up, took the entire bottle of klonopin that’s next to my bed with my other meds, passed out, and couldn’t wake up. Then when I did wake up in real life, I was convinced I had actually tried to kill myself and needed to call for help immediately.

The zoloft I take gives me crazy, vivid dreams. Like they’re insanely real feeling, and sometimes I have a lot of difficulty telling what was a dream and what wasn’t. But this is the first time the zoloft has given me a scary dream. I don’t want to do that again.

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General

So Fucking Angry

So you guys have seen pics of Yuba I think, but did you know we still have his brother Tejon? We do. The boys are 6 months old now.

So much has happened in the last week with them and most of it isn’t good. About 15 days ago, Halo, the toy poodle, and Tejon found a hole in the fence and went on walkabout in the desert. We didn’t know until Tejon was crying at the gate and we found Halo down the street. Didn’t think much of it since they seemed unscathed.

Last weekend, Halo got sick. Took him to the vet and surprise! He has parvo despite having had all his shots. A few days later and Tejon has it too. I spent the next few days giving subcutaneous fluids to them both plus meds twice a day. They’ve still got a few days of meds to go.

Yuba hasn’t shown any signs of illness and his vaccines were from a different source – if he’s not ill by next weekend, his vaccines will have done their job.

Anyway, why I’m fucking angry. Mom’s boyfriend decides that while Tejon is sick, and even though he had never been alone before, to lock him up out back. He screamed for 3 days and broke most of his nails and skinned his nose up trying to get out.

This morning at 5am, he did get out and was at the back door trying to get in. This is the doorknob after he finished trying to open it.

He was terrified and alone and so desperate and I cried because he was so scared. 

Anyway, mom’s bf relented and let him back inside. I asked if they still expect to sell him or if I can just find him a home. Apparently I can just find him a home. 

I can’t do anything for 6 weeks because he will still be contagious but I think I found a place to get him neutered for free but I won’t know until I can get in touch with the people doing it. Otherwise neutering and microchip will be about $300. And hopefully Mattie will decide he can take him in. I’ll find out tomorrow. Mattie was an asshole to me but he does love his dogs. 

I wish I could keep him but I can’t afford both of them for a lot longer and he needs a real home. If Mattie can’t take him, I’ll be looking elsewhere but I know his forevermore is out there. 

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Dreamtime

Dream Bass

Christmas afternoon, I took a nap, because Christmas is exciting and I stayed up too late and woke up too early, and I had a dream that was so real, I thought it actually happened when I woke up.

When I was dreaming, I opened my closet and found my dream bass leaning up against the wall. It looked a lot like a B. C. Rich stealth, and it was black, and I was super excited. And I could play! 

When I woke up I actually looked for it, before realizing that oh yeah, I can’t play for shit – definitely a dream. And the bass a really want is a white Warlock or even a Mockingbird. It has to be white. 

So weird random dream, but cool because it was pleasant and pretty normal overall. 🙂 

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Beauty

I Did A Thing! 

It only took me 21 years but I finally did a thing I’ve wanted to do since my freshman year of high school.


Excuse the silly Snapchat filter. 🙂 

My me head is delightfully fuzzy and in need of rubbing all over. I know it’ll take a little getting used to, but I don’t regret it, and it’s a great excuse to knit more hats!

My mom barely even freaked out. She just said I was crazy and I was going to freeze… Lol. 

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Crafting · General

AVIM, and Other Things

The craft thing at the Antelope Valley Indian Museum was kinda weird this year. Only two artists signed up, including myself, and the evening of, I was the only one to show up.

I did fairly well though and the octopus and owl stuffies I made sold pretty quickly. I didn’t sell all of them, but I did sell several. Kids loved them.

I ended up making I think it was $37 over my table fee which is pretty good for such a small event. I took that $37,and turned it into this :

There’s a pleco in there too somewhere – my mom bought me the fishies today. I’ve named the Oranda Alberta. 🙂

Yuba is still growing –  he and Tejon are unit into ponies. Kinda makes me wonder how big he’s going to get… Lol.

I bought a drop spindle and some fiber so I can learn to spin. I’ve only tried it a little but I think I’ll like it when I get the hang of it.

I haven’t been cleaning much the last week and a half because I killed my back moving a TV but I am trying to track down the parts we need to fix the furnace. The house hasn’t had heat in literally years and it gets freaking cold in winter.

Here’s a quick pic of some stuff.

My little Christmas tree and my super festive eyeball garland! And my super colorful curtains! Ignore the plastic bag and my shoes… Lol.

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Clean/Purge · General

Still Cleaning

I’m still finding tons of stuff to clean up around the house. I’m finally almost done throwing away my old dresser that fell apart once piece at a time each week into the trash barrel – there’s just one side and the paperboard back left – and then I can start breaking down the tons of cardboard boxes I keep unearthing and throwing them away. I wish I could just throw them all out at once, but we only get one trash barrel so it’s not possible.

I keep finding technology-related stuff too. External DVD drives, multiple hard drives too small to be of much use in the current world (I’ve found like 6 of them), a hard drive enclosure that needs a power cord… And there’s a printer new in box that I think mom bought when she had Windows 8 that was incompatible with the computer then. I need to find cables for the hard drive enclosure and see if it and the drive currently inside it works, and if not, drop it off at the elections recycling place. The same goes for the external DVD drives – I will likely test those on my mom’s computer tonight.

Today my mom brought up if I wanted half ownership of the house and property when she dies. I said yes. I don’t want to stay here unless I built a place in the back, and honestly I would still rather sell my half and find a spot of land somewhere a bit closer to town… But either way, hopefully that’s not for a long time. A really, really long time.

For Thanksgiving, I did the shopping today, and picked up a 14-pound turkey for $9. I also bought stuff to make a blackberry cheesecake Wednesday night, and I’ll make the rolls from scratch the day of. Mom still wants to get a ham, but its just going to be me and her, and we don’t need all the food… Lol. Or maybe we do. I dunno.

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Crafting · General

Christmas is Coming!

I’ve completely turned into one of those people. Its not even Thanksgiving yet and I’m itching to set up my little Christmas tree, with its tiny little ornaments, fake birds, and big fluffy bow on top. I’m ready to wrap the little crocheted tree skirt around its base, and plug in my single strand of lights after wrapping them around it. And I’m ready to start shopping, and wrapping my gifts to place under it.

I think I’ve got my mom’s Christmas gift figured out. I’m just hoping some of the components will go on sale soon (yes Black Friday / Cyber Monday, I’m looking at you!) and I can save a few bucks because it’s not an inexpensive gift I’m planning.

I had mom write me a check and mailed it off to the Antelope Valley Indian Museum so on December 2nd, I’ll be there selling my makes. I didn’t really make anything new and I actually donated a lot of my stock to thrift but it was stuff I didn’t feel amazing about and would have felt weird about selling.

I’m hoping to bring home $50 and I can put that towards Christmas shopping, but honestly the Antelope Valley Indian Museum is one of the places I like to support anyway so I’m not super concerned with heavy profiting there. I’m just glad to be able to help them out.

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Health · Kinky Fun

Even My Therapist… 

I saw my therapist Thursday and we talked about some hard stuff. Mainly my childhood, and how my still current need to be submissive and good has been pounded into me since I was a little girl – don’t get emotional, don’t cry (or I’ll give you something to cry about!), don’t get angry, don’t act out, always follow directions… Do whatever it takes to get that “good girl” and a pat on the head. She had me pegged as submissive from the first time we talked about sex and BDSM even though I hadn’t actually said how I identify.

The difference now is I can control who I give that to. I can control who I allow to punish me if I’m naughty. I am in control and I’m not the same scared little girl. But sometimes I am still scared. What if I’m not a good girl? What if I never get that gentle caress and praise?

Logically, I know the world won’t end. I’ll still be okay, I’ll still be me, but I crave those two words so strongly and I have since I was a wee thing, and I wonder if that will ever change.

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Subscription Boxes

Book of the Month #3

This month saw my book of the month delivery to come a bit earlier than I expected. My official selection is Future Home of the Living God by Louise Erdrich, and I made a bonus selection of Eat Only When You’re Hungry by Lindsay Hunter.


I’m looking forward to reading these, but first I need to finish up The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood and I have a few graphic novels still to read too, Paper Girls vol 2, and Rat Queens vol 1.

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