My Success

My therapist asked me to write about my own success story as a kind of graduation out of one on one therapy. To start with how I felt when I started with her a year ago, and end with how I feel about myself today. This is what I wrote.


My Success

A year ago I started therapy. I was anxious, even scared, about what it would be like. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t bathing, or sleeping well, or putting on clean clothes. I worried about everything. I had just broken up with my now ex-boyfriend and my entire world was upside down. I had to move back in with my mom and I didn’t want to. I was worried about living with her because we didn’t have the best relationship when I was a child.

I learned pretty quickly that my therapist was non-judgemental, and open to discussing whatever I needed to talk about that week. She gave me a safe space to not worry about what might be thought of me, and to reflect on myself with her gentle guidance. At the same time, I started doing things that let me feel in control of my body, since I couldn’t control anything else in my life right then. This took the form of several piercings, some easily visible, some more intimate. I changed my hair. I started wearing make-up more often. I showered. I put on clean clothes.

I got a puppy, and I started cleaning the house. I slowly stopped worrying about the things that had bothered me- if my pup was safe, if I was safe, if I would have a place to live. My piercings became less frequent, though I still got a few new ones, as well as a tattoo. The word WORTHY on my foot. Because I am.

I learned to look at things that had happened to me in a different way. My mom did the best she could for me. Not all the bad things that happened to me as a child were her fault. She loves me and thinks I’m just fine the way I am. Realizing that made a big difference in how I felt living with her and her boyfriend, and things got better.

I realized my ex was even more of a self-centered, bullying, and verbally and emotionally abusive asshole than I had let myself see before we broke up. Good riddance to bad garbage. I stopped talking to him completely and blocked him on social media. There was nothing good he brought into my life. I felt good about that.

All of these changes, and talking about these things while my therapist reframed them for me to consider made me see I am worthy of my own love and affection. I am worthy of others’ love and affection. I am worth working on to become a better, strong, more emotionally secure person. I’m worth taking care of. I am, all of me, worth it. I’m smart. I’m capable. I’m a good craft artist and a great dog mom. I can and do learn new things all the time. I can take care of myself and I can be my own success story. I am not a failure.

I AM WORTHY.

Second Coming of Christ

Oh sweet Cthulhu don’t let this be me!

I fell asleep super early tonight (and without the help of meds) and had a crazy dream that I was the second coming of Christ. Everyone found out because I guess I wrote a song or poem or who fucking knows what that told everyone just who I was.

And this church full of crazies wanted to get hold of me and crucify me. I obviously wanted none of this, so I escaped. Multiple times. In weirder and weirder ways. I stabbed someone to death with my brand new Gingher sewing shears (Omg I would never! Those blades are sacred!) and at one point a church defector who could fucking fly helped me get away.

Then an older guy gave me the mini tool kit and his souped up, all terrain, amphibious lawn mower and I jumped on, hauling ass across the county. Did I mention this thing could also fly?

I had just stolen a set of earrings (a girl has to look her best when running for her life!) from a fish farm when I peed myself in my dream because there’s no time for potty breaks.

Believe you me I woke up fast afraid I had actually peed the bed. Whew! Nope! But I got up and peed and took my meds anyway.

Comics Coming Out My Ears!

About six months ago, I bought some trade paper backs of some comics I like. Read a few, loved the stories, but decided I would rather read digital instead.

Those are in my shop now at a discounted price… Hint hint!

Then I bought a couple Humble Bundles which were loaded with comics. And I’ve got them all loaded on my Kindle Fire 8 (plus others I’ve acquired) and I’m slowly reading through them in the ComiCat app.

Some of them really surprised me how much I enjoyed them. Bitch Planet? Chew? Chester 5000? I’ve loved every minute! Lumberjanes took a little bit but it really grew on me. Mine! was a fantastic collection of stories from all sorts of people. It’s sales benefit Planned Parenthood and believe it I bought it the day it released.

I’m still reading Chew which has quite a few issues I need to get, but after I read the next few tonight, I’m planning on reading Bingo Love, a story about two women of color who fall in love at church bingo, but go on to marry, have kids, and live a full life only to be brought back together again in old age. I’m super excited about that one!

One Year

Somewhere in these next few days marks my first year of being me post-relationship. It’s gone by really fast, and while I honestly like being single more than I like dating, it still feels weird sometimes after an almost 8 year coupling.

In the last year, I’ve used multiple dating apps and attempted 2 dates. The first guy was supposed to meet me at Sharky’s but he stood me up.

The second guy met me for coffee and could not hold a conversation at all. He just made occasional mumbling about his dog. I love dogs. I’m a dog person. But this guy seemed completely terrified of actually talking to me.

I’ve had a lot of guys get crappy with me in chats because they accuse me of playing games when I don’t invite them over immediately. No, I’m just not allowed to have guests. And no, I’m not looking for a hookup, k thnx bai.

I’m not even really actively looking to date. If I find a connection with someone and it’s a good fit and we enjoy each other, great. If not, I’m not all that invested. And if a good thing happens, I feel like I’m ready to be a part of it, but there’s no rush. And that’s okay!

Anyway, yeah, one year also marks the time I’ve been living with mom and her boyfriend. One year of cleaning, purging, and organizing a mess that’s mostly not mine. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’m looking forward to the day I’m not living here any longer.

Baby steps though. Baby steps.

Cooler Pi

I bought myself a Raspberry Pi 3 for Christmas last year, giving my old 2 to my mom to work as a home theater setup.

And for the most part, my 3 has operated flawlessly.

But when I’m running Kodi, it gets hot – not just the “getting kind of warm” icon on screen but the one that’s red all the way to the top. And when it stays that way, it slows way down, freezes, and sometimes crashes. No Bueno.

I also (I finally tracked the cause down to some recent updates) had a glitch where Kodi was suffering some really rough video playback. Took a few days on our frustratingly slow internet, but I eventually made a fresh installation of Raspbian, installed Kodi and Deluge, and left everything else as is. Got that rough playback cleared up!

Anyway, I ordered this fan – it’s teensy tiny. I think 30mm? My case isn’t set up to house a fan, so I grabbed a drill, made a few holes in the lid, and mounted it. Works great too. I haven’t seen that little red thermometer once after it got cooled down!

My Pi is happy and healthy again, and I’ve rediscovered podcasts. I saved about two dozen I want to check out, finished one (Missing Richard Simmons – really guys, let the poor man enjoy retirement!), and have been desperately trying to catch up on another (Sawbones- check it out, it’s so funny and you’ll learn stuff too!).

Heavy Duty Cleaning!

I’ve been chipping away at the mess in the hallway I previously posted about, and I’ve finally got that section of the house done.

I also got rid of (trash and donation) a huge amount of stuff from these two bookcases.

The plan right now is to move everything I don’t get rid of onto the dark wood bookcase, and ask my mom if I can have the lighter one in my craft room. That will give me better storage options, and it’ll be out of her line of sight from where she’ll want to pile stuff on it.

And then there’s this mess. The other end of the hallway. I actually pulled out a trash bag full of garbage from underneath before I took the photo.

When I get this mess cleaned up, I want to get some plastic bins to go underneath to keep the recycling in. Right now, those plastic bags are the recycling.

Sentimental

My cleaning has come to a halt because I’m facing some major sentimentality. I’ve come across a decent sized collection of photography books that were my dad’s  He loved photography. It was a major hobby for him, at least as far back as when I was a tiny little girl.

I’ve gotten rid of so many things over the last few months, and now I’m stuck on these books. I won’t use them – but I can’t seem to load them up in the car either. It’s strange because I’ve never been sentimental about anything. It’s just stuff.

But this is different because this was stuff my daddy was passionate about.

Am I Happy?

Today I was supposed to have group therapy but I was the only one who showed up. Some group… Lol. But because my regular therapist is a facilitator for the group, she did one on one with me today instead of tomorrow and it went amazingly well today.

A lot of weeks I have a really hard time opening up and talking about anything. It’s not that I feel judged or unsafe with her, I just don’t know how to say what I want to say. But today I had something I wanted to talk about right away. That something that happened on Rav made me take a minute to write down all the things I’ve done here at my mom’s since I moved in 11 months ago. And that I’ve really done a lot, and helped my mom a lot and I don’t give myself credit for all the work that I’ve put in.

And I just kept talking for an hour. At one point she asked me how it feels to be the adult in my household. I said I didn’t really mind, things are working pretty smoothly, and it’s a lot easier to parent my mom and her bf than it was to parent my ex.

And then she asked what my long term goals are. I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately.

  • I want to pay off my debt, which will take about 3 years.
  • I want to buy 2 acres of dirt near some power lines (they charge you by distance to run lines into your property)
  • I want to have power brought in and a well dug and a fence put up
  • I want to buy a mobile home for me and my dogs

Then she asked me how I’m going to achieve my first goal. I told her I have an appointment in about 8 weeks with the department of rehab to try to get back into the job force, and I have been selling off or returning things I no longer want or need, as well as selling things in my shop and putting that small income towards my debt. It’s slow, but I’m slowly chipping away at it.

Then she asked me if I’m dating anyone and still seeing my friends. I told her I don’t feel any need to be dating – I’ve never really minded being single, it’s just sex I miss. And I see friends about once a month which is fine because I pretty okay with almost being a hermit. As long as I can reach out and have a conversation across some sort of media, I don’t need to see people often.

That was pretty much the end of our session but I feel really good right now because having a purpose (okay right now my purpose is cleaning and purging my mom’s house) makes me feel complete. It makes me honestly feel happy because I’m doing something positive with my time.

I’m in a good place right now. Dare I say I’m kinda happy?

Little By Little

Yesterday I took a rather ill-advised 4 hour nap in the afternoon. Not a terrible thing in itself, but it meant at midnight I was wide awake and I wanted to do things. I ended up clearing off one of my 6 foot folding tables in my craft room, and bringing in my old desk to take its place. Then I moved the 3 x 3 shelving unit out of the closet alongside it, and moved my file boxes, one of my stacks of drawers, ironing board, and one of my dress forms into the closet.

It looks a lot nicer and I have more floor space.

I went to sleep after that.

At 845am, the pups woke me up. I let them out, had breakfast, and started putting things away in my craft room. The closet bothered me.

I took everything down off the top shelf, threw away empty packaging, and placed all the Christmas stuff together neatly. There were bags of fabrics, which I divided up between “large enough to use” and “too small to be of use.” the second pile went right into the trash. The first pile I offered a few select pieces to Tracy, and then put the rest away in my fabric drawers.

The Christmas tree has been in its falling apart box blocking the end of the hallway since January. I trapped up the box, and managed to fit it into the closet shelf in my craft room.

Then I moved the small table from in front of the hall closet and looked inside. Not much in there. The VHS tape storage full of old home movies went into the bottom of the closet. I removed a few things that were mine that I didn’t want and threw them away.

Then there’s this.

Our actual hallway turned dump site. Ugh. I moved the gate and pulled out the bag closest to the front. More fabrics. I went through the same routine as with the other bag and ended up with a small pile of keeps and a lot to be donated or thrown away. Pulled out a few more bags. Mostly trash. Some more stuff to be donated. More trash.

I had to stop there because the trash cans are almost full but I got quite a bit done. After the trash pickup on Wednesday (and after I empty my car of donations) I’ll go through the rest.

I also took a hammer to the broken bookshelf that was out front and broke it down so I could throw it away, and then put the broken heater into my trunk to be dropped off at the e-waste place.

Wednesday will be a busy day with drop-offs, group therapy, and I have returns to make at Michael’s, and then I can start over again.

Gastropods!

After posting a thread querying about Hermit Crabs, which I decided are not for me for a variety of reasons, I decided to plant my tank, and get pretty snails and shrimp. The shrimp are being picked out in a few days, but the snails are thriving! They have plants and algae & zucchini wafers to nosh on.

And Omg! I had no idea they were going to be so much fun!

I have 1 nerite snail and 4 mystery snails (two gold, one blue, one purple) and they’re way more entertaining than I ever would have thought!

Anyone else a fan of these guys?

When I go to pick out my shrimp, I plan on picking up more plants, plus a few pretty female bettas.

I hope you like the videos – they’re so fun!