Good News!

After finding out about my additional diagnosis, I spent the next 24 hours or so wracked by intense anxiety. I’m honestly not sure if that was what brought it on or not, but it was rough. I wanted to do anything to change how I was feeling, but Liz convinced me not to do anything (at least not make any decisions except to possibly take a Klonopin) until the anxiety had passed.

The next day I woke up sick. The cold Mattie brought home last week found its new home in me and ugh. I felt like death warmed over. But that’s all crappy stuff.

The good news is I got a letter from Social Security and they are reinstating my SSI payments and will review me again in 3 years. I’m also feeling a lot better today, so that’s good too. 🙂

Mental Health

So on Wednesday, Dept. of Mental Health called me up and asked me to come in on Friday for an evaluation. I wasn’t totally thrilled about this, but whatever… I’d get through it.

On Thursday night I discovered that DMH has a patient portal website and you can view your records, test results, etc. I signed up, but needed an access code to actually get full functionality.

Friday I went in and met with a really nice woman. She was friendly without trying to be my friend, professional, and straight to the point. She made me as comfortable as possible considering all the things that were asked. The evaluation interview took about 90 minutes and I was out of mental energy at the end of it, but I mentioned a lot of things I had held back before and things my psych Dr. is still unaware of. I basically spilled everything because I figured once its out there, I can either explain it or not, but I can’t unsay it, and I have so many problems I really should be discussing with my Dr but I just don’t.

At the end she asked if there was anything I wanted to do to add to my treatment, like therapy, and I said yes. I said yes to therapy! I meet with her again next week to either definitely become one of her patients, which is what I am hoping for, or to find out whose patient I will become. Either way I’m both nervous and looking forward to it because there are so many things I need to work through. The whole thing was stressful, but I made it through and I think it will be for the better.

When I came home, I logged into the patient portal and input my access code and I found this under my diagnosis:

This is super interesting to me because never in the 8 or 9 years I’ve been going there has anyone ever mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. Its also a tiny bit funny because this is what I self-diagnosed myself with via the internet before I ever went in to the DMH to get help.

Reading over the information on it on a government site, I’m pretty much a textbook case… and Liz pointed out that it can be hard if not impossible to tell a person with a personality disorder that they have one, but damn it! I need all the information! Gimme!

So in short, weird new-to-me diagnosis feelings, excited and scared to start therapy, but super glad to hopefully start working through some shit and move forward.

About Me & This Blog

I struggle with mental illness. I’m Bipolar, plus a hefty dose of its accompanying depression. I’m fully med-compliant, and I recently did a year of therapy; my therapist was amazing.

I have 2 betta fish, 5 aquatic snails, some shrimp, 2 German Shepherd x Belgian Malinois pups named Yuba & Tejony, and my cat named Mildred. There’s also a gosling with her duckling friends, aka Gertrude and the Webbies. I live with my mom and her boyfriend, following the end of my previous almost 8 year relationship.

I enjoy all sorts of crafts, but especial yarncraft and jewelry. I sell some of my things I’ve made on my other site, Kittyloaf Designs.

I’m currently rediscovering who I really am. This has manifested in ways such as getting a lazyhawk, really delving into self-care, getting the body mods I’ve wanted for years, making new friends, and exploring kink. It means along with therapy, I feel like I’m finally blooming into the amazing woman I’m supposed to be.

I’m fat. I’m not saying that in a body-shaming way. Its merely an adjective that fits my large body. I’m working with my therapist to get into the right headspace to hopefully want to lose weight (again) and get fit and healthy.

I love comments. Seriously. You don’t need to sign up, and you could even use a fake email if you wanted. Just say something. 🙂