Me: This salad dressing looks like cum.
Mattie: Maybe you should fix something else.
Me: No, its okay. It doesn’t taste like cum.
Me: Mattie is being a butt and not letting me sleep so I got up. He’s asleep though. Like a flailing corpse.
Chris: So like a zombie…
Me: Yes a zombie with flying knees and elbows.
Chris: Is he all “Ugh! Zombie Mattie crave brains… and beards… and boobs! Zombie Mattie has complex wants and needs! Argh!”
Me: So did I show you my pussy? Damn it. My pussy hat.
Chris: You know I know you mean that women’s movement thing.
Me: Stupid phone. Making me sound dirty. I’m almost done with the second one someone is paying me money for.
Chris: I knew you would make money with your pussy. I’ve been saying it for years.
Me: I feel bad making her move again. She’s old and hurty.
Liz: Maybe you can compromise? I don’t know. I don’t know what I expected when I said that. Negotiate with the dog?
Me: She’s very stuck in her ways. There’s no negotiating with bitchy grandma.
Me: Also, I need to pick my whisker again.
Liz: What do you mean “pick your whisker”?
Me: Pluck… stupid phone. I have a mole on my chin that grows an old lady whiskey. Jeez. Old lady whicket. Whisker.
Regarding a car chase on TV…
Me: Oh? Why’s he running?
Tim: No clue.
Me: LOL I just felt like driving fast today, officers!
Tim: XD Hello? 911? There’s a bunch of people following me and I’m freaking out!
Me: LOL OMG I’m dying!
Me: I need to put the trash cans out but I don’t want to go potatoes.
Jami: I hate it when I go potatoes!
Tracy: Sometimes I grow roots and just sit there quietly judging people in my potatoes glory.
Jami: I am couch-potato-ing as we speak!
John: I’m calling the ASPCA.
Me: You probably should. My new puppy was popular at uke club tonight. I spent half the time not playing because everyone else wanted a turn on her.
John: I’m glad I have context because that sounded terrible without it!
After practicing my ukelele for a while this evening, Mattie made this declaration:
Great. Now I have the tune you were playing stuck in my head.
Suck it up buttercup… I didn’t say it but I sure thought it! Kinda makes me feel good to know my playing is catchy on some level though, so thanks for the sideways complement, honey!
I made some truly awful squalling noises on the violin.
Me: Listen! Its a dying cat!
Mattie: I get it. You can make noise. Please stop.
He has no sense of adventure. I’m super excited for my first violin lesson tomorrow afternoon!