Scary Adult Stuff

I did a brave but scary thing this evening.

One of the first people my ex introduced me to while we were together was this guy who physically is totally my type. Turns out he’s really nice, an actual good guy.

We’d see each other at parties and friends house over the next 9 and a half years. He would flirt with me after he had a few drinks, but I never saw him flirt with anyone else. Multiple times we went out in a group and I watched beautiful women try really hard to get his attention and he would never notice.

Fast forward 8 years. My ex and I have split up, and I’m chatting with him online fairly often. Still running into each other socially, at parties, whatever. I like him. A lot. Tried being subtle. Tried being obvious. No idea how he feels except I’m fairly sure he’s attracted to me.

Tonight I sent him a message that said:

“Okay…. So like potentially awkward message time.

I have no idea if you’re seeing anyone, but I’m interested in you, and I don’t know if you’re uninterested or just oblivious. I’ve found you to be attractive since we first met.

I would like to get to know you better and possibly see you romantically. Getting straight to the point here… Lol.

If you’re not interested, that’s okay too. But it’s up to you now. I haven’t got a goddamn clue how this whole dating thing even works.

I hope you’re having a good evening!“

Then I proceeded to panic because I’m a 12 year old girl.

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, he responded, he likes me a lot, but he’s trying to work on some personal issues before seriously dating anyone. This feels legit because his last relationship was a big mess and he’s a very honest person.

He also said he wasn’t missing all my signals, he’s just not good at expressing things sometimes so he’s glad I took the direct route so we could talk about it.

So yeah. I took a risk, did not go up in flames, and maybe it’ll work out to our liking in the future. I don’t think he’s really kinky but he is very open minded and has a curious nature.

I’m sitting here now with some minor fallout from my earlier panic but I know things will be okay, whatever happens.

Crazy Dating Dream

I had the weirdest dream.

I was asked out on a date by Chris (no one I know in real life but that was his name) and I said yes. But my mom only allowed me so many points per day to spend how I liked, so I had to decide all the way down to how much kissing if things went well. I got it figured out though and was ready to do this thing. My mom informed me if we wanted to make out it had to be in the light by Tiffany’s car. Who is Tiffany? Why do we have her car?

Anyway, then I got word this other guy (too much money, spoiled, demanding, no social skills) was going to ask me out. Obviously I was going to say no.

I was sitting on a public lawn on the Blvd in a spinning rolly chair when he approached. He demanded I come closer. I refused. He demanded someone bring me closer and even offered them $100. They refused.

Eventually he drags me in my rolly chair onto the street and there’s a slight hill. I give myself a little push and start rolling down the hill. He runs to keep up, trying not to spill his precious glass of brandy.

He’s angry and getting angrier. I’m laughing. Eventually he catches hold of my chair and demands I go out with him. I laugh in his face and tell him no and why. He gets so angry he vomits all over me. I punch him in the nose and head into the gay bar we’ve ended up in front of to use the bathroom to clean myself up.

I realize while in the bathroom that I’m having a hard time standing still. I look down and I’m wearing roller skate. There’s a full flight of stairs going down from the corner of the bathroom and I sit down on them to change into regular shoes. I’m a bit cleaner but I’m worried because I can’t go home to change and my date with Chris is in a few hours.

One Year

Somewhere in these next few days marks my first year of being me post-relationship. It’s gone by really fast, and while I honestly like being single more than I like dating, it still feels weird sometimes after an almost 8 year coupling.

In the last year, I’ve used multiple dating apps and attempted 2 dates. The first guy was supposed to meet me at Sharky’s but he stood me up.

The second guy met me for coffee and could not hold a conversation at all. He just made occasional mumbling about his dog. I love dogs. I’m a dog person. But this guy seemed completely terrified of actually talking to me.

I’ve had a lot of guys get crappy with me in chats because they accuse me of playing games when I don’t invite them over immediately. No, I’m just not allowed to have guests. And no, I’m not looking for a hookup, k thnx bai.

I’m not even really actively looking to date. If I find a connection with someone and it’s a good fit and we enjoy each other, great. If not, I’m not all that invested. And if a good thing happens, I feel like I’m ready to be a part of it, but there’s no rush. And that’s okay!

Anyway, yeah, one year also marks the time I’ve been living with mom and her boyfriend. One year of cleaning, purging, and organizing a mess that’s mostly not mine. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’m looking forward to the day I’m not living here any longer.

Baby steps though. Baby steps.

Online Dating – A Genuine Attempt

I realized I have no idea how people even go about meeting people now. Like how do you find new people to date? Do they just appear? Do you throw a Pokeball™ at them and hope for the best? I’m just baffled by this whole meeting new people thing. And dating! Jesus. I’ve never really dated. I’ve slept with many people. I’ve had a few relationships. But I’ve pretty much bypassed dating completely.

I’m on a few dating sites. And I placed an ad on Craigslist (I know, I know, its the dregs of the internet.) which has had mixed results. I’ve received 4 random dick pics with no accompanying text to which I replied with a photo of my toes. Only one guy got the humor in a “random body part photo exchange.”

Anyway, last Wednesday I was supposed to have my first date. Super casual, meet at Sharky’s and shoot a few racks. Except he never showed up. I stayed for 90 minutes, shot 5 racks by myself, had a cheeseburger, and a beer. It was actually kind of fun. Turns out  that since he works nights, he neglected to set an alarm and overslept. I didn’t get mad but I was disappointed.

Friday night I’m going to a BDSM play party. Its my first one and I’m nervous, but I’m more nervous about wearing the wrong thing or something. I have no lingerie, no cute undies (I think I have one plain black pair but they’re still granny panties) so I’m thinking I’ll just go commando in my cute new jeans and wear the orange crochet lace top I sewed a few years ago. I’m not sure if I want to go sans bra or not. I know the hostess, and I’ve met a few of the other guests a few times but mostly its going to be people I don’t know at all. But so far all the kink-minded people I’ve met have been amazing. Kind, respectful, and friendly. So we’ll see.

Saturday I’m going to another party thrown by a friend’s parents. There will be people of all ages there, and most of them I won’t know. But I’m looking at it as another chance to meet people and maybe meet interesting people. I know some of them are kink-oriented as well to varying degrees.

Next Wednesday I have a tentative date in the planning with a man I met online, and possibly another one for the following Saturday. I’m excited and I’m nervous and I’m trying not to freak out. I could really use my therapist through this, but after I see her tomorrow, I won’t see her for almost a month. I would also like to try to plan something with the guy who flaked on me again, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. He’s been a bit distant lately online.

Anyway, we’ll see how it all goes and hopefully at worst, I’ll have a good story to tell.