In the last few weeks, I’ve thrown away or donated roughly half of my possessions. I took my desk out of my room and got the TV stand from Mattie’s bedroom to take its place. It takes up a lot less room and ofers still more storage then I need. I got my uke stand into my room, with all my ukes and my uke bass on it, save for the little green one that I am giving to Ashley and Rowan on Tuesday. I’m trying to encourage my mom to throw things away, get rid of clutter, and in general clean up the house. I need to look up where the electronics recycling place is so we can take all kinda of stuff in and get rid of it for good- she is basically hoarding broken electronics because she thinks it costs money to dispose of them. Nope. Its free. Just gotta take them in. I’ve listed several of my books for sale that I’m just not going to use. I’m trying to sell about 50 skeins of yarn I’m just not in love with. There’s just so much stuff that I/we don’t need.
I’ve got a super busy week next week and I hope getting out will be good for me. But I’m so tired from holding my shit together and trying to be productive and I miss having a body next to me at night when I’m sleeping. I miss my dog. I miss Mattie. This shit is hard. I know its for the best, but fuck.
It’s getting closer to me being moved out of Mattie’s, and back in with my mom. I’ll be fine all day, but come nighttime, and I’m wracked with anxiety. The last 3 nights I’ve taken a klonopin to help me actually very some sleep .
My mom has taken 2 truck loads of my stuff out there and I’ve taken 3,with what i think will take 1 more load from each of us to get it all.
I would already be moved out there but the second room I’m supposed to have a hasn’t had the floor repairs completed so all my stuff out there so far is crammed into one room. Every surface is covered, roughly 5 feet high.
Tomorrow (well technically today) I’m thinking about driving out and collecting things for donation. The goal is to cut my clothing pile in half, get rid of all the old books I’ll never read again, the games we never played, the old stuffed animals I don’t love anymore.
Basically, I want to haul a full carload of of there tomorrow.
I’ve listed a few things for sale too, so hopefully I can make a few dollars towards getting some jeans that actually fit.
I’m just feeling overwhelmed with everything right now, Mattie is starting to get antsy about me as being here, and I just want this all to be over with. We’re still sorting out custody of a few things. I’m trading him my vacuum cleaner for an amp, and I’m thinking of asking if he’ll trade me my Pyrex for the guitar stand my acoustic guitar is sitting on. We still have to sort out the custody of most of our games.
I know in my mind that this is for the best but I’m so stressed out right now.
After almost 8 years, Mattie and I have decided to part ways and end our relationship. Sunday evening we sat down and discussed it, and both agreed we were better off without the other. There was no fight, no yelling, just an amicable agreement. We briefly discussed who gets possession of a few items, but most of our stuff has always been pretty separate. I’m taking the Keurig, which he was annoyed about, and he’s keeping Cards Against Humanity, even though it was a Christmas gift to me. I am trading him the vacuum for the amp I’ve been using. Netflix has been transferred completely over to him. The hardest part, for me anyway, is that I will be leaving Sashi behind, but I have to do what’s best for her, not just what I want. He says I can have visitation with her though so I hope that actually happens.
There’s just too many differences between us, that as the years went by, grew larger, which less to fill them in. I’m not going to sit here and say horrible things about him, but this last presidential election really brought to light some things I had been ignoring and just can’t any more. We’re just not compatible and it took too long to figure it out.
I called my mom first thing on Sunday and told her we’ve decided to end things, that its just not working out and can she please help me move. I took an entire carload of stuff out that evening, mostly yarn, and then Monday I filled my car again, plus my mom’s truck, which we took out and unloaded. I fell twice while I was out there and sprained my ankle, and the second time I fell, I landed on a bookshelf I was carrying and completely destroyed it.
I think two more truck loads and 2 more carloads will have everything out of here except what I’m opting to leave behind. Once I get everything straightened out, I’m going to start applying for wait lists on low income housing and hoping for the best.