So Fucking Depressed

So next Sunday is my birthday. I’m turning 37. And with it being my birthday soon, just like every year, I’m depressed. It’s not because I’m getting older- I really don’t mind aging and I look forward to one day having beautiful silver hair. But for me, my birthday is a reminder that I’ve failed. I still haven’t managed to be self sufficient, I still have to spend on others to get by, I can’t even afford a shitty little apartment or trailer. And now I have all this stupid debt because I haven’t been careful with my money so I’m at least 3 years out from being able to start saving to actually do something about my living situation. And it makes me want to crawl under a rock and fucking die.

I’m not suicidal. But I’m so fucking low and on top of the birthday depression, I think my current living situation only adds to it as does the knowledge that my debt has dug a hole I can’t immediately get out of. And all of this is so fucking exhausting.

I really hope by this time next month I’ll have bounced back a bit. Tracy and Jami will be wanting to get together in the coming weeks, which will be a good thing. I haven’t seen friends in months, and some of my friendships are feeling neglected.

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Clean/Purge · General

Still Cleaning

I’m still finding tons of stuff to clean up around the house. I’m finally almost done throwing away my old dresser that fell apart once piece at a time each week into the trash barrel – there’s just one side and the paperboard back left – and then I can start breaking down the tons of cardboard boxes I keep unearthing and throwing them away. I wish I could just throw them all out at once, but we only get one trash barrel so it’s not possible.

I keep finding technology-related stuff too. External DVD drives, multiple hard drives too small to be of much use in the current world (I’ve found like 6 of them), a hard drive enclosure that needs a power cord… And there’s a printer new in box that I think mom bought when she had Windows 8 that was incompatible with the computer then. I need to find cables for the hard drive enclosure and see if it and the drive currently inside it works, and if not, drop it off at the elections recycling place. The same goes for the external DVD drives – I will likely test those on my mom’s computer tonight.

Today my mom brought up if I wanted half ownership of the house and property when she dies. I said yes. I don’t want to stay here unless I built a place in the back, and honestly I would still rather sell my half and find a spot of land somewhere a bit closer to town… But either way, hopefully that’s not for a long time. A really, really long time.

For Thanksgiving, I did the shopping today, and picked up a 14-pound turkey for $9. I also bought stuff to make a blackberry cheesecake Wednesday night, and I’ll make the rolls from scratch the day of. Mom still wants to get a ham, but its just going to be me and her, and we don’t need all the food… Lol. Or maybe we do. I dunno.

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So Many Things

Where to begin? Sunday night mom suddenly got really dizzy and was throwing up. Rafael took her to urgent care and they sent her to the ER. Turns out she had a fucking aneurysm. She spent a few days in the hospital, and was released Tuesday evening after the bleed stopped on its own.

Tuesday afternoon I went to ukulele club. I played a little and sang a bit but with everything with mom, my heart wasn’t totally in it.

I rescheduled my bass lesson this week for next week because I haven’t had time to practice.

Star, mom’s big dog in the house, had 12 puppies last night. Her first litter. Don’t get me started on the whole spay and neuter thing – if they were my dogs, it would have happened a long time ago. I don’t believe in breeding. One of the puppies was dead, but 11 is still a big litter.

Next Tuesday I have an appointment with the piercer at Psycho City to get my nipples done. It’s kind of a bucket list thing, though I’m really nervous about it – piercings freak me out just thinking about them, but I’m feeling brave right now.

Just for fun rock I wouldn’t be upset if she said yes, I asked my mom to go with me. It’s pretty freaking funny.

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I’m not really angry anymore, but I am contemplating unfriending Mattie on Facebook, and his mom too. My curiosity got the better of me, and I went trolling back to his posts when he announced our breakup. There was rather a lot of shit talking, which amounted to me being a crazy bitch, a terrible cook (his mother agreed on this even though she’s never eaten my cooking?), and there were comments about how at least I wouldn’t be trying to poison him any longer. Granted, I said some things here, but I did not post things like that where he was likely to see them nor did I encourage my friends to badmouth him. I asked him on Saturday for space- and he hasn’t respected that at all so far because he’s still sending me messages and chattering away at me just like nothing had happened. He’s refusing to respect my “no” and that’s not okay.

At the urging of a friend, I joined FetLife, which is a rather interesting place. Basically its Facebook for fetistists/kinksters. Creating my profile was interesting, as has been browsing the site in general. I found a few people I know right off, which honestly, while nice, was not a surprise. Some of the people I found I’m quite fond of, while others… well, I won’t be communicating with them there, either. But such is social networking, right?

I think I’ve lost a few pounds over these last few weeks, though not because I was trying. If I’ve been out of the house, I’ve eaten once per day, and at home, maybe twice, and half the time its been salad. I just don’t have an appetite most days. Am I depressed? I’m honestly not sure. On the surface I feel pretty good- I’m free of the confines of the unhappiness of my last relationship, and I can do what I want now. I can focus on making myself happy, instead of someone who can’t be happy no matter what I did. I’m free to branch out, meet new people, pursue what I like, and say no to what I don’t. But at the same time, I’m unhappy at having to have had to move back to my mom’s. This is not my home. I honestly don’t know where home is at this point and I feel somewhat unmoored.

I saw my psychologist yesterday and I requested a refill on my Klonopin Rx. I still have several left, but I like having it just in case. I took one every night the week we broke up, but haven’t touched them since. And I’ve been working off of the same 30 tablets for over a year so its not like I just take them all the time.

Today I was supposed to meet with County Mental Health’s Employment Specialist, but I cancelled and rescheduled my appointment for after the first. I messed up my finances pretty badly this month and I don’t have gas money to make trips I absolutely don’t have to into town. I sold some stuff at the beginning of the month, and I had less expenses, but between paying off some small debts and eating in town a lot, I managed to overspend for the month and now I’m counting pennies until next month’s money comes in. Next month will be better though. I just need to track my spending better and stick to my budget. I can do this.

I also saw Princess yesterday and we hung out for a little while. It was nice to see her and nicer to see she’d gotten rid of her husband. Seems to be a lot of that going around. She’s looking fabulous though and the kids- OMG! The girl is 14 now and beautiful, and the oldest boy is 6 foot and trying to learn to play guitar. I was like damn it. I feel so old seeing them as closer to adulthood then babyhood.

I did get most of my stuff tucked away into the spare room, so I can say most of my belongings have been put up. There’s still a few things laying around the house, but its still progress made. And my mom is making an effort (finally) to clean up the rest of the house. She’s sent me into town with 4 kitchen trash bags full of stuff to be donated, and thrown away a bunch more. Of course there’s still a ton to go through but any progress is good. I still need to get her to take in the old electronics to the drop off and that would clear out a lot of space in the house. But baby steps….

And I got rid of almost half of my yarn! Stuff I wasn’t completely in love with I sold, with a few more still to go. It made a big difference in getting things put away.

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Not Much Left Now

In the last few weeks, I’ve thrown away or donated roughly half of my possessions. I took my desk out of my room and got the TV stand from Mattie’s bedroom to take its place. It takes up a lot less room and ofers still more storage then I need. I got my uke stand into my room, with all my ukes and my uke bass on it, save for the little green one that I am giving to Ashley and Rowan on Tuesday. I’m trying to encourage my mom to throw things away, get rid of clutter, and in general clean up the house. I need to look up where the electronics recycling place is ย so we can take all kinda of stuff in and get rid of it for good- she is basically hoarding broken electronics because she thinks it costs money to dispose of them. Nope. Its free. Just gotta take them in.ย I’ve listed several of my books for sale that I’m just not going to use. I’m trying to sell about 50 skeins of yarn I’m just not in love with. There’s just so much stuff that I/we don’t need.

I’ve got a super busy week next week and I hope getting out will be good for me. But I’m so tired from holding my shit together and trying to be productive and I miss having a body next to me at night when I’m sleeping. I miss my dog. I miss Mattie. This shit is hard. I know its for the best, but fuck.

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Gah! This Week!

This morning I was up super early (it was still dark out- blergh!) and had to take FIL to two Dr’s appointments. That was easy enough though I really wanted to stay home and snuggle with Sashi, and then he asked that we drive over to Palmdale for Tommy’s… Home of the Cat Food Pate’ Chili everything. I ordered my burger “no chili,” thanks. He gave me a few bucks for gas and I dropped him off and went home.

Dinner tonight was a big pot of chili. My second time making edible chili, and I made a few changes to the recipe. I added a shredded bell pepper and a bunch of Tapatio. It was better, but I think next time I will add some fresh chopped tomatoes, more cumin, and maybe some different kinds of beans to mix it up a bit more. It was good though, better than last time, and we’ll be eating the leftovers tomorrow over Fritos.

I was supposed to have a violin lesson today too but she cancelled last minute and rescheduled for Friday. My bass lesson is Friday too, so apparently it will be a day for music. Last night I went to uke club and took my concert uke, which I played some but mostly I just sang. It was just what I wanted to do. ๐Ÿ™‚

Very little knitting got done today.

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Christmas! ๐ŸŽ„ Merry Christmas!ย 

So Christmas has come and it was a rather good one. Not just because of the gifts, though those were pretty awesome this year, but because we got to see friends, family, and enjoy good food.

We went to my mom’s on Christmas Eve and had dinner with her, and found out she’s basically been hoarding craft supplies from a previous sale at her work for Christmas gifts. Mattie got a $30 gift card, and I got yarn, and a box of miscellaneous craft – related items.

Sunday morning Mattie and I did our gift exchange. He seemed to be pretty happy with what I got him, and he gave me about a zillion books. Knitting, crochet, and coloring.

Later on his dad and brother came over and we sat down to a nice dinner (giant hunk of cow + baked potato + broccoli + cider & pumpkin cheesecake for dessert. We did our gift exchange after dinner and everyone seemed to be happy with what they got. Me? I got an Amazon gift card from Geoff, and his dad got me a baritone ukulele + padded gig bag + method book. Squeeee!

So now it’s time for pictures!


Two of the coloring books above I bought for myself but the rest were all from Mattie.

And the best gift of all! I look a mess, but isn’t it pretty?

Not pictured are bobbins for my most recent sewing machine, double pointed knitting needles, and colored pencils. You can kinda see the clip on tuner on the headstock of the uke in the above photo.

One of my gifts, another set of DPNs, never arrived, so Mattie will be contacting Amazon about them sometime today.

I ordered some stuff already with the gift card I received, including a “world’s okayest ukulele player” t-shirt, two more Crochet Lite hooks, a knitting book, a new oven thermometer, a ball of yarn, and a few other items.

Anyway, I hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend! New Years is up next!

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General · Music


For the first time in my adult life, I am super excited about Christmas! So excited in fact, that I got us a Christmas shrub, and turned the dining room table into Christmasland.


Mattie, who claims to hate Christmas, said the tree looked incomplete until I added something to the top. I couldn’t find a small enough topper, so I settled on this big silvery bow and it worked out great! There’s so many gifts around it now and Mattie still hasn’t put all of his out- our little tree is in danger of being buried!

Tuesday night was the High Desert Ukulele Club’s Christmas party, and I took Mattie’s dad with me. He seemed to be having a decent time until people started playing music, then he got angry and left. I let him go- I was there to enjoy fun, music, singing, and socializing with a great group of people and I wasn’t planning on leaving for a few more hours. Even with him leaving early, it was a good night.

Today I took 8 of my music books into Staples to have them cut off the binding and put on a spiral binding. I swear I don’t understand why music books aren’t already marketed with a spiral binding- you are typically using both hands to play your instrument, what hand are you supposed to use to wrangle your pages with in a book that refuses to sit flat?


It was a little more expensive than I had hoped, but they did a good job and I won’t have any more issues with the pages not staying put. Don’t judge me- I honestly don’t even like Star Wars but I like some of the music.

I still have a few more books to have rebound but most of them are done now and if I take new ones in as I get them, it won’t be much of an expense. I might also do this with some of my knitting and crochet pattern books as well.

Tomorrow I am taking Mattie’s dad to pick up some prescriptions, and I think Friday we are seeing his mom for dinner. Monday we will have out last night of pool for this year since Christmas and New Years follow right after that. My mom will be by herself over the holidays. Her boyfriend is going back to Mexico to see his kids, flying out on the 23rd, and he won’t be back until after the 10th of January. We’ll be going to her house though on Christmas Eve, and then hosting Christmas for Mattie’s dad and brother here at the house. Somewhere in there we will also exchange gifts with friends. ๐Ÿ™‚

dogsrelaxBefore I go, here’s a photo of the coolest dogs ever relaxing. Yup, that’s how we do it. Belly up, paws reaching all over, goofy facial expression… all while poor old Lucy tries to ignore Sashi’s over-exuberant silliness and general good cheer.

Good night, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and I’ll likely see you after Christmas has passed. ๐Ÿ™‚


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General · Music

Christmas is Coming

So as some of you know, I’m on disability, and I’m basically a broke-ass mother. I set myself at doing all my survey companies’ invites every freaking day and in 2 weeks I’ve collected almost $50 in Amazon gift cards with a few more really close to paying out. I’ve also managed to save about $70 in the last 2 months by having $1 transferred to my savings every time I use my debit card. I apparently do more shopping than I thought I did.

Anyway, I’m trying to do my Christmas shopping way ahead so there’s no “OMG It’s freaking December and what am I going to do?!?” panic. I’ve purchased for my mom and her boyfriend, for Mattie’s brother, and 4 small items for Mattie. I have no idea what to get his dad at all, and Tracy’s gift idea is something I will need to make her but it will only take a few days I think to do provided I can really focus on it. Its something I planned for several months back but no rush on it because its basically a simply just time consuming project. I already have everything I need.

I’m also trying to do my research on getting a cello. I’ve scoped out a few makers and while I’ve found one I am fairly confident about on Amazon (having seen the same model in person), I would much buy from an actual instrument maker or music shop in person. Especially because they are expensive. Basically I am looking at at least $600 for a very beginner’s model. Eek! I’m also reading Craigslist ads and checking other places for uses instruments but I’m not sure where I’m going to find the right one.

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