Scary Adult Stuff

I did a brave but scary thing this evening.

One of the first people my ex introduced me to while we were together was this guy who physically is totally my type. Turns out he’s really nice, an actual good guy.

We’d see each other at parties and friends house over the next 9 and a half years. He would flirt with me after he had a few drinks, but I never saw him flirt with anyone else. Multiple times we went out in a group and I watched beautiful women try really hard to get his attention and he would never notice.

Fast forward 8 years. My ex and I have split up, and I’m chatting with him online fairly often. Still running into each other socially, at parties, whatever. I like him. A lot. Tried being subtle. Tried being obvious. No idea how he feels except I’m fairly sure he’s attracted to me.

Tonight I sent him a message that said:

“Okay…. So like potentially awkward message time.

I have no idea if you’re seeing anyone, but I’m interested in you, and I don’t know if you’re uninterested or just oblivious. I’ve found you to be attractive since we first met.

I would like to get to know you better and possibly see you romantically. Getting straight to the point here… Lol.

If you’re not interested, that’s okay too. But it’s up to you now. I haven’t got a goddamn clue how this whole dating thing even works.

I hope you’re having a good evening!“

Then I proceeded to panic because I’m a 12 year old girl.

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, he responded, he likes me a lot, but he’s trying to work on some personal issues before seriously dating anyone. This feels legit because his last relationship was a big mess and he’s a very honest person.

He also said he wasn’t missing all my signals, he’s just not good at expressing things sometimes so he’s glad I took the direct route so we could talk about it.

So yeah. I took a risk, did not go up in flames, and maybe it’ll work out to our liking in the future. I don’t think he’s really kinky but he is very open minded and has a curious nature.

I’m sitting here now with some minor fallout from my earlier panic but I know things will be okay, whatever happens.

Frogman

I had another really crazy dream.

I went with my grandmother to her dead sister’s house to go through her stuff. I was excited because she did a lot of cross stitch and macrame and I was hoping to score some floss and cords.

When we got there, there were these huge grocery store style chest freezers. And there were large frogs in them. Weird but uh okay.

I’m about done going through stuff. My grandmother is obsessed with finding secret messages hidden in pieces of glass. Everything glass she’s holding up to her eye to look through it. My uncle Ed is there too doing the same thing. There were other people there too.

Then this guy approaches me. He’s cute, polite, friendly. He asks if he can call me tomorrow. It’s really important he can call at a certain time because he can’t stay out of the water too long. I say okay. We try to exchange numbers but when I ask his name, he croaked like a frog. I’m starting to put things together now. Finally I start to give him my number.

Suddenly my grandfather appears and starts screaming at both of us. That I’m too young and naive to get involved in this, that the military is never going to take me away. I’m pissed because I just want to continue talking to this sweet man. Finally after a lot of yelling, everyone disperses from around us. I give him my number.

Somewhere during our conversation, I realize he’s been genetically altered by the military and they want to do the same to me. As my family is leaving the house later, a robot asked me if my name is D. Wild. I said no and keep walking. It has a big syringe full of liquid.

I get back home, which literally means climbing a fence. The next thing I know, all the other people in the house are working to hide me from the military who is now frantically searching for me. One of the (also genetically modified) people is holding me in a feed trailer in the dark, using his scent to mask mine. He’s also caressing my skin (why am I naked?) and I’m getting turned on and trying to be still and quiet.

Somehow they get them to back off and leave me alone. Puppies are given out. A party is planned for the next night. My mom steps in and says everyone has to leave by 8pm at the party.

But everything’s okay now.

Critters!

I had another really weird dream.

I was with friends (my high school friend’s older sister Anna? A blonde woman?) and we took a road trip to visit some of her friends way out in the middle of nowhere.

There was this guy who wouldn’t wear clothes except underwear and he had some mental things going on. He hated being touched too but like he liked me enough to snuggle me. So we were snuggling for like 3 days and nights, nonstop.

Anna and the blonde woman had dropped me off there and left, but eventually Anna and the other girl came back and they were teasing him about having needs and then we all four left in the car.

But then it started storming and all of a sudden a portal opened and all this blackness liquid evil came pouring out along with huge monsters that were swallowing up everything. They looked like the things from the movie Critters, and were big enough to swallow a bus whole.

We were lucky enough to float to relative safety in our car, and then I woke up.

Family Christmas

Woohoo! So many weird dreams this last couple weeks!

I was at an extended family Christmas celebration. It was me, all my aunts, uncles, cousins… And my friend D. I don’t know if we were together & that’s why he was there, but he was part of the family.

We had a meal, and I was doing the dishes afterwards when it was suddenly time fur Star Wars hide and seek. And we were in a huge mansion so so many places to hide! We were all in costume.

Eventually we all got caught and we returned to the living room, where we all had some red wine and sang Christmas songs together. D was ensconced on a couch surrounded by my family’s children and looked super happy.

The whole dream wasn’t too weird but it felt absolutely surreal.

Night with the Living Dead

Another crazy dream this week, folks!

This time, my dead friend Chris just showed up at my house in the middle of the night. Not even a phone call first. I was shocked but invited him in even though I wasn’t allowed to have guests.

He had lost a ton of weight while “dead” and while I still recognized him, he was like another person.

We ended up having sex… But I could barely feel him even though he was pretty big. And he didn’t know how to kiss – he was a drooler. There’s nothing worse than a drooler!

My mom kept walking in on us acting disgusted and then she started parading random people through the bedroom too. Most of them were Rafael’s extended family and they all wanted to shake hands.

We eventually finished having sex and he made all these weird mechanical spurting noises when he finished, like he was a machine. It was bizarre.

Then I woke up.

Am I Happy?

Today I was supposed to have group therapy but I was the only one who showed up. Some group… Lol. But because my regular therapist is a facilitator for the group, she did one on one with me today instead of tomorrow and it went amazingly well today.

A lot of weeks I have a really hard time opening up and talking about anything. It’s not that I feel judged or unsafe with her, I just don’t know how to say what I want to say. But today I had something I wanted to talk about right away. That something that happened on Rav made me take a minute to write down all the things I’ve done here at my mom’s since I moved in 11 months ago. And that I’ve really done a lot, and helped my mom a lot and I don’t give myself credit for all the work that I’ve put in.

And I just kept talking for an hour. At one point she asked me how it feels to be the adult in my household. I said I didn’t really mind, things are working pretty smoothly, and it’s a lot easier to parent my mom and her bf than it was to parent my ex.

And then she asked what my long term goals are. I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately.

  • I want to pay off my debt, which will take about 3 years.
  • I want to buy 2 acres of dirt near some power lines (they charge you by distance to run lines into your property)
  • I want to have power brought in and a well dug and a fence put up
  • I want to buy a mobile home for me and my dogs

Then she asked me how I’m going to achieve my first goal. I told her I have an appointment in about 8 weeks with the department of rehab to try to get back into the job force, and I have been selling off or returning things I no longer want or need, as well as selling things in my shop and putting that small income towards my debt. It’s slow, but I’m slowly chipping away at it.

Then she asked me if I’m dating anyone and still seeing my friends. I told her I don’t feel any need to be dating – I’ve never really minded being single, it’s just sex I miss. And I see friends about once a month which is fine because I pretty okay with almost being a hermit. As long as I can reach out and have a conversation across some sort of media, I don’t need to see people often.

That was pretty much the end of our session but I feel really good right now because having a purpose (okay right now my purpose is cleaning and purging my mom’s house) makes me feel complete. It makes me honestly feel happy because I’m doing something positive with my time.

I’m in a good place right now. Dare I say I’m kinda happy?

Adulting Like A Motherfucker

Anyone who knows me, knows I have problems with setting boundaries, and expressing my thoughts and feelings to other people. I had multiple conversations in the last 24 hours where I adulted like a motherfucker. I’m proud of myself.

  1. Last night I was talking to an old friend I recently reconnected with. Years ago, we used to hang out all the time, and since we have the same middle and last name, we called each other Mr and Mrs W——. Anyway, he was talking about how this girl he’s been seeing is all drama and games and I told him stop playing with little girls, get your shit together, and set an example for your son. His response cracked me up – “oh shit! My wife is finally back!”
  2. I had an honest conversation with C, who contacted me after the party last Saturday and we’ve been talking since. I was clear that while I like him and want to get to know him better, a big hurdle in any sort of dating or whatever is that he’s poly, and I am absolutely not. However, I think at the least he would make a great friend and future partner in crime. It’s fucking wonderful to be wanted though!
  3. I had a conversation with J explaining more of my living situation as well as that while I find a lot of women attractive, I’m not really into them like I am men. That his wife is adorable, but it was more of a spur of the moment thing. He invited me to another party the weekend after this one but…

I am hopefully getting together with an old friend not this weekend but next, and I’m excited and can’t wait. This person is literally the only person who can turn me into a mewling puddle with just a look and I just want him to use me. I trust him completely and his touch is heaven. To say I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen is an understatement.

So Fucking Depressed

So next Sunday is my birthday. I’m turning 37. And with it being my birthday soon, just like every year, I’m depressed. It’s not because I’m getting older- I really don’t mind aging and I look forward to one day having beautiful silver hair. But for me, my birthday is a reminder that I’ve failed. I still haven’t managed to be self sufficient, I still have to spend on others to get by, I can’t even afford a shitty little apartment or trailer. And now I have all this stupid debt because I haven’t been careful with my money so I’m at least 3 years out from being able to start saving to actually do something about my living situation. And it makes me want to crawl under a rock and fucking die.

I’m not suicidal. But I’m so fucking low and on top of the birthday depression, I think my current living situation only adds to it as does the knowledge that my debt has dug a hole I can’t immediately get out of. And all of this is so fucking exhausting.

I really hope by this time next month I’ll have bounced back a bit. Tracy and Jami will be wanting to get together in the coming weeks, which will be a good thing. I haven’t seen friends in months, and some of my friendships are feeling neglected.

Things & Thoughts

I’ve still got quite a few piercings on my wishlist- both tragus, nose, and outer labia for sure, and maybe navel, and another helix. I’ve also decided to just invest in forceps and piercing needles in the appropriate sizes and do most of them myself. I want to do them this way because 1) save money, 2) it’ll be an interesting experience. And with the right tools, I feel like I stand a good chance of actually doing them right. Worst case, I just let them close back up again if they’re not quite right. But anyway, that’s for next month.

I also made a small order for some new jewelry as I had a coupon I couldn’t not use- $5 off and some of the items I wanted were on sale so I basically only paid shipping. I’ve got a few items from Ali Express on their way as well as (hopefully soon!) my Sanchezmas box. I’m super excited for that one!

I started watching Underground a few days ago- something Chris wanted me to watch, and now I’m torn when I watch a few episodes between just enjoying the show, and desperately wanting to talk to him about it. It hurts my heart something fierce and I hate feeling that way. My friend is still gone, and there’s still an empty place in my heart.

Crushed

This morning I slept in, and woke up to terrible news. On Facebook, I saw that my good friend, one of my best friends, Chris, had died on the 5th. I talked to him on the 4th and he seemed to be doing pretty well, though he was embarrassed from a bad fall he had taken I think the day before.

Chris was one of the first people who befriended me on AudioGalaxy back in 1999, and we had talked almost every day since. There was a period where he visited a girlfriend in Canuckistan and was off the grid- I thought for sure he had died because he neglected to tell me where he was going.

This time though, his death is real, not imagined, and my heart is breaking. He had some recent health problems, and he was a big guy, very overweight, but he was doing okay from what he told me. I still don’t know what happened, what the cause of death was, except that it was sudden.

In the almost 20 years we were friends, we only spoke on the phone once, and I regret not having done so more often. Chris was one of my best friends and I miss him already. Rest in peace, you dirty old man. I love you.