General

Things & Thoughts

I’ve still got quite a few piercings on my wishlist- both tragus, nose, and outer labia for sure, and maybe navel, and another helix. I’ve also decided to just invest in forceps and piercing needles in the appropriate sizes and do most of them myself. I want to do them this way because 1) save money, 2) it’ll be an interesting experience. And with the right tools, I feel like I stand a good chance of actually doing them right. Worst case, I just let them close back up again if they’re not quite right. But anyway, that’s for next month.

I also made a small order for some new jewelry as I had a coupon I couldn’t not use- $5 off and some of the items I wanted were on sale so I basically only paid shipping. I’ve got a few items from Ali Express on their way as well as (hopefully soon!) my Sanchezmas box. I’m super excited for that one!

I started watching Underground a few days ago- something Chris wanted me to watch, and now I’m torn when I watch a few episodes between just enjoying the show, and desperately wanting to talk to him about it. It hurts my heart something fierce and I hate feeling that way. My friend is still gone, and there’s still an empty place in my heart.

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General

Crushed

This morning I slept in, and woke up to terrible news. On Facebook, I saw that my good friend, one of my best friends, Chris, had died on the 5th. I talked to him on the 4th and he seemed to be doing pretty well, though he was embarrassed from a bad fall he had taken I think the day before.

Chris was one of the first people who befriended me on AudioGalaxy back in 1999, and we had talked almost every day since. There was a period where he visited a girlfriend in Canuckistan and was off the grid- I thought for sure he had died because he neglected to tell me where he was going.

This time though, his death is real, not imagined, and my heart is breaking. He had some recent health problems, and he was a big guy, very overweight, but he was doing okay from what he told me. I still don’t know what happened, what the cause of death was, except that it was sudden.

In the almost 20 years we were friends, we only spoke on the phone once, and I regret not having done so more often. Chris was one of my best friends and I miss him already. Rest in peace, you dirty old man. I love you.

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General

Things

I’m not really angry anymore, but I am contemplating unfriending Mattie on Facebook, and his mom too. My curiosity got the better of me, and I went trolling back to his posts when he announced our breakup. There was rather a lot of shit talking, which amounted to me being a crazy bitch, a terrible cook (his mother agreed on this even though she’s never eaten my cooking?), and there were comments about how at least I wouldn’t be trying to poison him any longer. Granted, I said some things here, but I did not post things like that where he was likely to see them nor did I encourage my friends to badmouth him. I asked him on Saturday for space- and he hasn’t respected that at all so far because he’s still sending me messages and chattering away at me just like nothing had happened. He’s refusing to respect my “no” and that’s not okay.

At the urging of a friend, I joined FetLife, which is a rather interesting place. Basically its Facebook for fetistists/kinksters. Creating my profile was interesting, as has been browsing the site in general. I found a few people I know right off, which honestly, while nice, was not a surprise. Some of the people I found I’m quite fond of, while others… well, I won’t be communicating with them there, either. But such is social networking, right?

I think I’ve lost a few pounds over these last few weeks, though not because I was trying. If I’ve been out of the house, I’ve eaten once per day, and at home, maybe twice, and half the time its been salad. I just don’t have an appetite most days. Am I depressed? I’m honestly not sure. On the surface I feel pretty good- I’m free of the confines of the unhappiness of my last relationship, and I can do what I want now. I can focus on making myself happy, instead of someone who can’t be happy no matter what I did. I’m free to branch out, meet new people, pursue what I like, and say no to what I don’t. But at the same time, I’m unhappy at having to have had to move back to my mom’s. This is not my home. I honestly don’t know where home is at this point and I feel somewhat unmoored.

I saw my psychologist yesterday and I requested a refill on my Klonopin Rx. I still have several left, but I like having it just in case. I took one every night the week we broke up, but haven’t touched them since. And I’ve been working off of the same 30 tablets for over a year so its not like I just take them all the time.

Today I was supposed to meet with County Mental Health’s Employment Specialist, but I cancelled and rescheduled my appointment for after the first. I messed up my finances pretty badly this month and I don’t have gas money to make trips I absolutely don’t have to into town. I sold some stuff at the beginning of the month, and I had less expenses, but between paying off some small debts and eating in town a lot, I managed to overspend for the month and now I’m counting pennies until next month’s money comes in. Next month will be better though. I just need to track my spending better and stick to my budget. I can do this.

I also saw Princess yesterday and we hung out for a little while. It was nice to see her and nicer to see she’d gotten rid of her husband. Seems to be a lot of that going around. She’s looking fabulous though and the kids- OMG! The girl is 14 now and beautiful, and the oldest boy is 6 foot and trying to learn to play guitar. I was like damn it. I feel so old seeing them as closer to adulthood then babyhood.

I did get most of my stuff tucked away into the spare room, so I can say most of my belongings have been put up. There’s still a few things laying around the house, but its still progress made. And my mom is making an effort (finally) to clean up the rest of the house. She’s sent me into town with 4 kitchen trash bags full of stuff to be donated, and thrown away a bunch more. Of course there’s still a ton to go through but any progress is good. I still need to get her to take in the old electronics to the drop off and that would clear out a lot of space in the house. But baby steps….

And I got rid of almost half of my yarn! Stuff I wasn’t completely in love with I sold, with a few more still to go. It made a big difference in getting things put away.

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Conversations

Conversations with Chris

Me: Some kinks I just can’t get on board with.
Chris: Me either.
Chris: Like food stuff.
Me: Right?
Me: Like I’m all for hair pulling, and hard spankings, and hell I’m pretty sure I would be really down for a semi-public flogging…. but yeah some of that stuff? Nope.
Chris: I kinda figure you for a sex club person.
Me: I will let you talk dirty to me and call you Sir or whatever else you want but no bodily wastes, no food.
Chris: Haha who the hell ever thought “You know what these titties need? Waffles to eat off them…”?
Me: LOL!!!! Waffles LOL
Chris: Or like “I say hyacinth, your feet would look down right fuckable in a crock of beans…”
Me: Oh lord no!

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Conversations

Conversations with Liz

Liz: I just pick him up sometimes for on the go giggles and then drop him off on the tree or something lol. He’s not super into snuggles unless he’s on his blanket, but is very tolerant of being held hugged for lil bits of time.

… huggles not giggles…

Dafuq lol

Like I’m running around giggling with this cat helplessly in my arms.

Me: Which is hilarious!

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General

Woohoo! I Have My Own TLD!

Well, if you’re here, you’ve probably followed me over from my WordPress.com hosted site and now you’re here. And as of about fifteen minutes ago, I have a shiny new top level domain name for this blog. Its not a fancy one, but for $0.99 I’m pretty happy with it. Seriously, no reason to spend $15 a year to indulge my ego, ya know?

Tonight the super nice lady I met in Winco came by to pick up her pussy hat, and asked if we might try to be friends. She introduced me to her husband and said most of the people they’ve met here were religious types and that wasn’t working for them. I’m not sure if it was the pussy hat or the stuff amigurumi penises on my shop website that clued her in that I’m definitely not into the big G or super conservative. But either way, maybe we will click and we will all win with new friends. 🙂 I’m hopeful.

I’ve been trying to add new things to my shop but its kind of hit or miss. Mostly its just new items I’ve just made going up, and not the scads of things I made before and never put up. Maybe I will get a handful of them photographed and listed tomorrow.

I still have no idea what’s going on with my disability appeal. And of course the website doesn’t offer me any help in finding out either. Waiting… it sucks.

My Instant Pot is still awesome and makes all the things. I did a beef roast tonight with gravy and a green salad, and tomorrow I’m sure I will use it again- I’ve used it almost every night since it arrived! Love it!

Lucy is continuing her downhill trudge and has been crapping in the house, mostly on the couch, and almost every day. I know she’s old and doesn’t have control any more but ugh. I’m tired of picking up poop all the time. Sashi on the other hand… she’s her normal, boisterous, and outgoingly happy self.

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Conversations

Conversations with Chris

Me: Mattie is being a butt and not letting me sleep so I got up. He’s asleep though. Like a flailing corpse.
Chris: So like a zombie…
Me: Yes a zombie with flying knees and elbows.
Chris: Is he all “Ugh! Zombie Mattie crave brains… and beards… and boobs! Zombie Mattie has complex wants and needs! Argh!”

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