So Fucking Depressed

So next Sunday is my birthday. I’m turning 37. And with it being my birthday soon, just like every year, I’m depressed. It’s not because I’m getting older- I really don’t mind aging and I look forward to one day having beautiful silver hair. But for me, my birthday is a reminder that I’ve failed. I still haven’t managed to be self sufficient, I still have to spend on others to get by, I can’t even afford a shitty little apartment or trailer. And now I have all this stupid debt because I haven’t been careful with my money so I’m at least 3 years out from being able to start saving to actually do something about my living situation. And it makes me want to crawl under a rock and fucking die.

I’m not suicidal. But I’m so fucking low and on top of the birthday depression, I think my current living situation only adds to it as does the knowledge that my debt has dug a hole I can’t immediately get out of. And all of this is so fucking exhausting.

I really hope by this time next month I’ll have bounced back a bit. Tracy and Jami will be wanting to get together in the coming weeks, which will be a good thing. I haven’t seen friends in months, and some of my friendships are feeling neglected.

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What the Actual Fuck

Cucumber Cleanse – The Latest WTF!?!

So Dr. Jen Gunter, our favorite “don’t put that in your vagina” advocate, posted this on her blog.

Apparently (and my Google-fu confirms) its now a thing to peel a cucumber, and insert it into your vagina with an in-out twisting motion for twenty minutes to “cleanse” the vagina.

Um… how about no. The vagina is self-cleaning and there are a million reasons why you should not do this. But apparently some vagina owners still need to be told that. Ugh.

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So Many Things

Where to begin? Sunday night mom suddenly got really dizzy and was throwing up. Rafael took her to urgent care and they sent her to the ER. Turns out she had a fucking aneurysm. She spent a few days in the hospital, and was released Tuesday evening after the bleed stopped on its own.

Tuesday afternoon I went to ukulele club. I played a little and sang a bit but with everything with mom, my heart wasn’t totally in it.

I rescheduled my bass lesson this week for next week because I haven’t had time to practice.

Star, mom’s big dog in the house, had 12 puppies last night. Her first litter. Don’t get me started on the whole spay and neuter thing – if they were my dogs, it would have happened a long time ago. I don’t believe in breeding. One of the puppies was dead, but 11 is still a big litter.

Next Tuesday I have an appointment with the piercer at Psycho City to get my nipples done. It’s kind of a bucket list thing, though I’m really nervous about it – piercings freak me out just thinking about them, but I’m feeling brave right now.

Just for fun rock I wouldn’t be upset if she said yes, I asked my mom to go with me. It’s pretty freaking funny.

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Good News!

After finding out about my additional diagnosis, I spent the next 24 hours or so wracked by intense anxiety. I’m honestly not sure if that was what brought it on or not, but it was rough. I wanted to do anything to change how I was feeling, but Liz convinced me not to do anything (at least not make any decisions except to possibly take a Klonopin) until the anxiety had passed.

The next day I woke up sick. The cold Mattie brought home last week found its new home in me and ugh. I felt like death warmed over. But that’s all crappy stuff.

The good news is I got a letter from Social Security and they are reinstating my SSI payments and will review me again in 3 years. I’m also feeling a lot better today, so that’s good too. 🙂

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What the Actual Fuck

Hyster- Herster- What?

The removal of a woman’s uterus is called a hysterectomy and not a hersterectomy because hyster- is from the Greek word for uterus. Also, women do not gush blood from an open wound between their legs for a week and would be hospitalized if they were men. No. We’re not magic or somehow super amazing mysterious creatures who can bleed horribly for 7 continuous days and not die.  Menstrual fluid is mostly sloughed tissue from inside the uterus with comparatively little actual blood and the majority of women lose less then a pint during their entire cycle.

It’s really not that amazing. You were married for twenty years and had two kids with your wife. How do you not know that? This is very basic human biology that you have no excuse for not knowing.

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What the Actual Fuck

You Wanna What To My Labia?

This takes the cake for the most ridiculous thing I’ve read this week.

Like I’m sitting here with my brain spinning and wondering WTF I just read.

To paraphrase, a chiropractor who does not understand female bodies at all, wants to market a lipstick to glue your labia minora together to prevent menstrual blood from escaping until you go pee… Then your urine magically releases the glue and the blood flows out into the toilet.

I have so many questions! Like what if my labia minora aren’t robust enough to be glued together in a seamless fashion? What if I leak urine throughout the day and break the seal? What if I have heavy clotting? But mostly I just wonder if this man has seen more than one twat in his lifetime… Because we’re all delightfully different.

And there’s this description from the website :

When applied to the labia minora, it creates a temporary seal to retain menstrual fluids inside until urination. The urine instantly releases the seal and everything washes away into the toilet. It’s safe and secure for the user. Mensez is based on the theory that modern bathing habits, while helpful in most respects, wash away some protective bodily compounds that previously helped control menses (as discharge from the uterus at menstruation is known).

So basically if we don’t bathe, according to this guy, our vaginas would be self-sealing… Yeah, I’m calling bullshit. Thorough wiping after urination, sex, masturbation, they would all wreck  that seal.

“Hey Barbara can I borrow a tampon? I forgot my lipstick and I really have to pee.”

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Pokemon Go! (Damn it!)

On Sunday night I downloaded the Pokemon Go! app because I was curious. I’ve never had any interest in Pokemon and really don’t play many of the popular games besides Words with Friends. I immediately caught a creature on the back porch and another one in the backyard. It was almost midnight so I went to bed.


Monday I decided to try to figure the app out a little more and find out what Pokestops were and how they worked. There’s like 5 Pokestops within 4 blocks of home, and about fifteen of them just a little further away on the Blvd. On the Blvd alone, its easy to pick up as many as 70 pokeballs in about half an hour, without even hitting all the stops.


By Monday afternoon, I had walked almost 10,000 steps, was on my way to hatching my first egg, and I was tired but eager to go out and do more. I may have also pulled into a few parking lots while I was out running errands to spin Pokestops that were along the way.


Tuesday and Wednesday I also logged about 10k steps, and Thursday I did about 7k. Today, Friday, it all caught up with me. I was so sore it was keeping me awake despite taking a bunch of ibuprofen, and I slept most of today. But my muscle aches are almost entirely gone so my next day of hunting will be more pleasant for sure.

We’re going to a party Saturday night, so my hunting to be will have to be in the morning tomorrow if at all. I may also take Sashi on a walk if I get up before the pavement gets too hot for her paws.


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Things Are Not So Good (But I’m Working On It!)

It has come (rather rudely) to my attention that I really should not have gone off of my anti-depressants a year or so ago and that I have been slowly spiraling downwards since. I spent about half of the week following my return home from Washington on the edge of a major meltdown and I’ve spent the past few days calling Mental Health twice daily until they could move my appointment up to sometime this month. I haven’t been knitting, crocheting, or playing with clay. I just can’t make myself care about any of it right now. Tracy said she knew something was wrong when I stopped playing with my clay. She’s likely right that that was the first serious part of the decline. But that’s the thing about depression. You don’t always know when its happening until you’re so low you can;t see over the top of the pit any more. All of a sudden you realize you’re buried in this big deep hole with no daylight left in sight. The only good thing about having been here before is I know there is daylight beyond the rim and I know how and where to get help for it.

On a happier note, this is the yarn I ordered while on a great sale from Michael’s online.

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Its a completely crappy phone picture, but you can see the gorgeous jewel tones of the colors. Why so much? Because when you buy from the Michael’s website, you have to buy in warehouse inner pack quantities. In the case of most of the yarns, that’s 3 skeins, but some are different.

Then as if I didn’t have enough new yarn, my mom got me this mess for my birthday via one of the warehouse’s employee only sales.

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That’s 9 coordinating skeins of Bernat Mega Bulky, and three Big skeins of Loops & Threads Impeccable. I’ve got 2 other skeins of Mega Bulky already in my stash that will go with these colors, so I’m thinking its blanket time! There’s also 2 containers of air dry clay plus a slushie machine, all of which she got for about $20. 🙂

This though, BTW, is not a good Ben & Jerry’s flavor. The ice cream itself is alright but the caramel core is so salty its like brine. I might actually throw the rest of this pint in the trash and call it a loss.

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On the 15th I have an appointment in Panarama City for my consultation about getting a tubal ligation. I’m not looking forward to the drive down there, and I hope I don’t have to pay for parking, but if all goes well it puts me one step closer to making sure I stay child-free! Yay! And yes, I know its permanent, and yes I’ve thought about it a lot. For about 20 years to be exact. If I could have had this done at 20 easily I would have.

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Its Funky Math Time!

If you’ve popped over to the Daily Food & Workout Summary pages in the last 24 hours, you’ll see some math going on. If its not completely self-explanatory, I’ll explain it. It really is pretty simple.

First off, the page starts with a BMR based on my current weight. You can find yours here. That tells you roughly how many calories it would take to maintain your weight just laying in bed all day doing nothing. That’s my base number. Every month I will update the new page with a new number based off of the couple of pounds I’ll have lost.

Each individual date marks what fitness activities I did, as well as how many calories I ate, and how many I burned according to my Polar heart rate monitor. The last value given is the daily deficit. The deficit is found by taking the BMR and subtracting the number of calories I ate, then adding the number of calories I burned through fitness.

At the bottom of the page, there are some totals. The first is the number of calories required to maintain weight based off of my BMR. I can figure that number out right off because its just my BMR times the number of days in the month that I’m tracking.

Total calories consumed and total exercise calories burned are pretty basic and updated at the end of each day. The calorie deficit can also be updated daily based on the daily calculations. At the end of the month I can double check it by taking the multiplied BMR, subtracting total calories consumed, and adding total calories burned.

Roughly 3500 calories is one pound, so it’ll be curious too to see how my weight loss numbers match up with the deficits.

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