Panic Dream

Two nights in a row, I’ve woken up from the same dream with a panic attack.

Basically, I was living on the streets, well, on an abandoned barge, and everyone was turning against me. I started plotting to get back at some of the people hurting me, and this sea captain helped me start a chain of catastrophic events, then rescued me. I had the clothes on my back. I was dirty and messy.

Turns out his ship could fucking fly and then we rode it across these roller coaster rails to a fantastic land where other humans didn’t exist. He was king of this land, and the people were a little different. Slightly feline looking, and covered in short fur but basically human in form.

The king adopted me as one of his daughters and sent me to have dresses made and get cleaned up and be made presentable.

I had an immediate attraction to the tailor who would be making my gowns and he stepped in to help me with my transition into their society. We spent all our time together. We fell in love. But elements of my real waking life were there too.

I was still the same weight. And when it came up that while a pregnancy could occur between our two species, it would be detrimental to the female, I said it was okay because I had already been spayed.

We traveled together between their planet and mine, visiting different cities around the world, doing silly things, learning about each other’s culture. We had fun.

But I was worried about really fitting in here. I didn’t fit in on my old life and people abused and hurt me. I wondered if that would just happen here in my new home too.

I’m not sure why this dream, which continued over two nights, was so triggering for me to cause panic attacks. I haven’t had one in a long time. It’s not a fun thing to wake up from. Heat racing, can’t breathe, your body feels out of control.

Thankfully I’ve had enough of them that I go through a mental checklist automatically. Can I breathe normally? Am I actually trying? Am I in physical danger? Am I in a safe place? Is there anything I can realistically do for myself to help this pass quickly?

By the time I get halfway through that I’m usually good. Last night I was barely awake and shaking so hard I almost started crying. But I rolled over, took a klonopin, adjusted my blankets, and breathed slowly and deliberately until I fell back asleep.

Tonight I was awakened too far for that to help so I got up and peed and watched an episode of South Park.

I don’t know if this anxiety is tied in to the date or something else. The 21st is the 9th anniversary of my Daddy’s death.

Terrible Dream

The other day, I woke up and almost called 911 for myself. I literally had to talk myself down and convince myself what I thought happened was just a dream and it wasn’t real.

In my dream, I woke up, took the entire bottle of klonopin that’s next to my bed with my other meds, passed out, and couldn’t wake up. Then when I did wake up in real life, I was convinced I had actually tried to kill myself and needed to call for help immediately.

The zoloft I take gives me crazy, vivid dreams. Like they’re insanely real feeling, and sometimes I have a lot of difficulty telling what was a dream and what wasn’t. But this is the first time the zoloft has given me a scary dream. I don’t want to do that again.

An Experiment

I saw my psych doctor yesterday and discussed with him my issues with sleeping at night, staying asleep sometimes, and that I experienced a 6 week long hypo-manic episode which is completely unusual for me. My bipolar, when unmedicated, was very rapid cycling, so even this weird mixed episode lasting 6 weeks is very odd and out of the ordinary. He suggested for my issues getting to sleep I try Klonopin and see if it helps. I don’t expect to take it every night but on nights when I’d otherwise be up until 4am, hopefully it will help. They are 2mg tablets, and I took one last night. I fell asleep within 30 minutes and slept for 14 hours straight through. I bought a pill splitter today so will try a half of one tonight instead. 14 hours sleep is a bit excessive.

I also returned a few skeins of yarn I overbought for my current blanket project and got a few dollars store credit. Its not a lot but I couldn’t see any need to keep that particular excess in yarn. The blanket, after I did the math on paper, has 24 more rounds before its finished, if I stop at only one round of off white on the outside edge. It will definitely be big enough for the intended person’s bed when its done.

Monday night while we were at pool league, I took some yarn and a hook and in about two hours between games and the following afternoon, I put together this hat.

beret1

It looks better on an actual person then it does on my foam head.

beret2

I used super bulky Lion Brand Hometown USA yarn and the majority of the hat is HDC, but the opening edge/rim is SC. Some of the stitches were done granny square style as well. I’m really happy with it especially since it only took 2 hours to make!

Food today has been pretty good. I did some snacking, but dinner was healthy and I still have room in my day to cut up and split that cantaloupe with Mattie later when he gets home from pool tonight.

scramble

Dinner looks kind of gross but it was so good. I thin sliced 2 zucchinis, about a half a pound of carrots, two bunches od green onions, chopped, 1 cup dry white rice, 2 eggs, and a 12 ounce package of bacon, chopped. I also added garlic powder. It all went into the wok and was periodically stirred until everything was cooked and the loose moisture had been cooked off. It tasted so much better than I expected! Mattie felt the need to add soy sauce but he said he would eat it again, so that’s good.

Not a lot else to share right now. Mattie’s got pool again tonight so will probably just watch some TV in the bedroom and work on the never ending blanket for a while!