Two nights in a row, I’ve woken up from the same dream with a panic attack.
Basically, I was living on the streets, well, on an abandoned barge, and everyone was turning against me. I started plotting to get back at some of the people hurting me, and this sea captain helped me start a chain of catastrophic events, then rescued me. I had the clothes on my back. I was dirty and messy.
Turns out his ship could fucking fly and then we rode it across these roller coaster rails to a fantastic land where other humans didn’t exist. He was king of this land, and the people were a little different. Slightly feline looking, and covered in short fur but basically human in form.
The king adopted me as one of his daughters and sent me to have dresses made and get cleaned up and be made presentable.
I had an immediate attraction to the tailor who would be making my gowns and he stepped in to help me with my transition into their society. We spent all our time together. We fell in love. But elements of my real waking life were there too.
I was still the same weight. And when it came up that while a pregnancy could occur between our two species, it would be detrimental to the female, I said it was okay because I had already been spayed.
We traveled together between their planet and mine, visiting different cities around the world, doing silly things, learning about each other’s culture. We had fun.
But I was worried about really fitting in here. I didn’t fit in on my old life and people abused and hurt me. I wondered if that would just happen here in my new home too.
I’m not sure why this dream, which continued over two nights, was so triggering for me to cause panic attacks. I haven’t had one in a long time. It’s not a fun thing to wake up from. Heat racing, can’t breathe, your body feels out of control.
Thankfully I’ve had enough of them that I go through a mental checklist automatically. Can I breathe normally? Am I actually trying? Am I in physical danger? Am I in a safe place? Is there anything I can realistically do for myself to help this pass quickly?
By the time I get halfway through that I’m usually good. Last night I was barely awake and shaking so hard I almost started crying. But I rolled over, took a klonopin, adjusted my blankets, and breathed slowly and deliberately until I fell back asleep.
Tonight I was awakened too far for that to help so I got up and peed and watched an episode of South Park.
I don’t know if this anxiety is tied in to the date or something else. The 21st is the 9th anniversary of my Daddy’s death.
Tejony’s wound is mostly healing well. There’s a spot in the middle though that won’t close up, and it’s still oozing a lot of fluid. The fluid is mostly clear, sometimes times 3 with a little blood, and has no odor. But after 2 weeks it shouldn’t still be draining, so he’s on a second course of antibiotics.
I’m hoping it’ll stop draining and start closing up in the center by the time he sees the vet again this weekend but I dunno.
Other than that though, he’s eating, drinking, wants to run and play, and is basically his normal sweet self.
The other day, I woke up and almost called 911 for myself. I literally had to talk myself down and convince myself what I thought happened was just a dream and it wasn’t real.
In my dream, I woke up, took the entire bottle of klonopin that’s next to my bed with my other meds, passed out, and couldn’t wake up. Then when I did wake up in real life, I was convinced I had actually tried to kill myself and needed to call for help immediately.
The zoloft I take gives me crazy, vivid dreams. Like they’re insanely real feeling, and sometimes I have a lot of difficulty telling what was a dream and what wasn’t. But this is the first time the zoloft has given me a scary dream. I don’t want to do that again.
Saturday I got a notice that my disability was being cancelled. I called them and not only are my payments being stopped, but my insurance is being cancelled as well. Why? Because my gynecologist says I’m not disabled. Read that again. My gynecologist says I am not disabled. I had no idea she was a qualified judge of my mental health, or that bipolar disorder and anxiety just vanish one day out of the blue.
I’m going to appeal the decision of course, but until then, this is what I’m looking at.
No insurance means no meds.
No meds means I absolutely cannot work and I will lose pretty much all functionality I have now.
If I can’t work, I definitely can’t afford to pay to get insurance to get my meds. So again, no meds.
With no meds, no functionality, I’ll be reapplying for disability again because I will be unfit for work.
I literally can’t even right now because this is such a fucking clusterfuck.
I can likely still be seen by my psych doctor without income but getting meds is super iffy. And while I would love to work, support myself, and pay my bills like most other people, I can’t even get through a jury duty summons without having panic attacks at the prospect of having to be around strangers for several days running.
I’m high functioning now because I avoid all the things that trigger me and cause me issues. I am med compliant. I do everything I can to make things easier on myself.
But being cut off from my meds and losing my disability status takes all those coping mechanisms away from me and leaves me with nothing but my mental illness.
I’ve had another violin lesson with the lovely Faustina, and I still love it. Its challenging, but in a good way. My next (3rd) lesson is this Friday and while I’m struggling with my C note (2nd finger, 3rd string), otherwise I’m doing okay. I really should devote a little more time to practicing though. An extra half hour a wek would really make a difference, and that’s really only 5 minutes more a day if I practice 6 days a week.
My guitar I bought that I shared with you previously has been rehabbed, though I did have to rig up a fix for one of its issues. I replaced the tuning heads, the nut, the saddle, and the strings and bridge pins, but discovered after it was strung that there’s something not right with where the nut sits, and my strings were all touching the first fret. I poured, cured, and trimmed a small bit of clear resin to pad under the nut to raise it just a bit to keep the strings of the first fret. I also discovered after all of that (time, effort, money) that the neck is cracked. But it seems to be straight on the front side and playable so I will ignore it until it either gets worse or actually breaks. I’m doing the beginner’s group lesson at Guitar Center on the 17th. It will be a busy day as I will be doing that in the morning, we’ll be taking my FIL shopping after that, and then most likely going to a party in Palmdale.
My FIL has had a knack for scheduling his appointments at the only times I am actually busy, so I made and printed out calendars for him that show all the times I am not available… and he still manages to schedule things for the wrong days and times. *sigh* He scheduled one for this Friday right before my violin lesson…. there’s no way we will have time to get to his Dr’s appointment, then go out to eat, drive him home, drive back to Lancaster, and get to my lesson before 4pm, so I said we will have to go eat before the Dr’s appointment. I know he doesn’t want to get up that early but I did say noon or before 1pm when he was scheduling it and of course he scheduled it for 1pm.
When I go to my next Dr’s appointment I am asking to be taken off of the Trileptal. I don’t feel like it did anything to curb my mild mania, and honestly, I don’t want to take something that seems to do nothing for me. I closed my last credit card down so its going to take a lot of effort for me to do any crazy spending now, and really that’s all I do now if I’m somewhat manic.
I finished this blanket this morning- it was supposed to only be a baby blanket between 36″ and 42″ wide but nope. Once again my color plan took over and it grew and grew. It would be great over a couch or on a twin sized bed. I had to buy another skein of the red to finish it because I literally ran out with 15″ to go before it was done. Ugh. Oh well. At least its a nice red.
We are trying to eat a bit better and I stocked up on fruits and veggies this last shopping trip. There will be no excuses for eating like crap. When I bought all the groceries yesterday, the cashier rang up almost all of my fruits and vegetables wrong, but it ended up being to my benefit and I really didn’t feel like correcting her with almost every produce item she typed in.
Tuesday I had an appointment with my psych doctor, where we discussed I feel fucking fantastic, but strongly suspect I am somewhat manic due to the condition of my one credit card account. Its fairly hemorrhaging money, and spending money is something I do when I’m manic. He suggested trying me on a low dose of Trileptol along with my other meds (Geodon and Zoloft) to see if it balances me out. The mania started around the same time as the Zoloft did. Ugh.
Part of me is like “Just go back on Wellbutrin! You were stable then!” but I had so many side effects from it which is why I went off of it. I really hope this works though, because I am getting tired of making changes and trying to find the magical “this works”.
Last night I decided to very carefully make some adjustments to my DIY kit ukulele and try to tune up the set-up a bit and make it play better. I carefully removed the nut and the saddle and sanded them both down (from the bottom) and reinstalled them. I also gently removed the neck from the body and reglued it, and made it sit a little flatter, and the same thing with the bridge. It seems to play better now, though I realized I actually installed the bridge in not quite the right spot, which means my intonation is a bit off. I didn’t realize when I put it together that the location of the bridge was that important. Eventually I might see about measuring that out (maybe when I change my strings?) and placing at a more optimal position.
Today is mine and Mattie’s 7th anniversary. 7 years with this guy and we’re both still alive! LOL Sashi will be 6 in a few weeks. We got her when we had been together about a year, but I still can’t believe she’s a middle-aged dog now. I have a small gift I made Mattie, and he’s cooking me dinner tonight- chicken, steak, cole slaw, wine. Hopefully the wine doesn’t mix badly with my new medication.
I’ve been cleaning and organizing pretty much everything the last few days. I finally vacuumed my craft room, and I moved my dress forms into the bathroom since I’m not doing a lot of sewing right now and I don’t use them for everything. I managed to get the toilet in the bathroom back there to stop running so I guess I can use it if I need to. I got all my beads sorted and put away except fro one little bag of them, and I have dropped off more donations to the thrift store.
My cubical shelves came in yesterday so I assembled them and got them put up. I reorganized my yarn and now I have empty spaces. I need to remember that I do not need to keep buying yarn to keep filling the empty spaces. The top left and top center cubes are all Charisma yarn and I have a similar amount on two shelves of Softee Chunky. There’s still a few yarns I am considering getting rid of but I’m still undecided.
The cubicals below I already had but I was able to sort things out a little better- The top shelves are all Red Heart Super Saver, and the bottom is Caron Simply Soft. In the middle, from left to right are sewing books, jewelry making books, and my knitting and crochet books and magazines. Some unfortunately have to lay down because they are too tall to fit otherwise.
I think I am coming out of this crazy manic period I was in. I don’t feel compelled to shop any more and I’m not as antsy or fidgety. I hope this means I will even out in the next few weeks and things will be good again, but if we need to try increasing my Geodon dose, then so be it.
I spent some time yesterday, about an hour, playing with clay, and I made a new skull sculpture. I still need to paint it, but it turned out pretty well. Its crazy heavy though, using about half a pound of clay around a large ball of aluminum foil to make it faster to bake and not so heavy. I’ll share photos of him later on. 🙂
Sashi of course things I need her help with everything, but when I actually let her tag along she gets bored and either naps, or just drapes herself over the couch and looks bored. I was taking one of my recently regular afternoon naps and I woke up to this view. She was as close as she could get without actually touching me, and when I opened my eyes she decided to lick me half to death. I love this sweet face so much!
I’m going to blame the Zoloft because that’s all that has changed. Since I started taking it, I fall asleep by 11pm every night, wake up at 6am most mornings, and then take a 2 hour nap around 11am and feel like I could easily sleep another two hours. I’m so tired all the time and I am hoping this passes in a few weeks because being this tired any time I am awake really sucks.
Yesterday I took my bag of donations to Grace Thrift and dropped them off, plus visited several other thrift stores in hopes of finding a great deal on something I could actually use. I found several yards still on the bolt of a cute flannel print I had bought years ago (but I didn’t need it so left it) and a huge bag of novelty yarns (all of the varieties I’ve recently gotten rid of because I hate them) and three bags of knitting needles (but they all looked mismatched). I didn’t come home with one single thing.
On the upside I have gotten more done in cleaning up my craft room. After donating that bag of stuff, I was able to throw away more trash and I sorted a few more items into the basket I’ve set aside for Tracy. I also finally found a table that I can use to both store my sewing machines, and take up less space in my craft room. This is the one I ordered.
It measure about 20″ deep by 39″ wide with the leaf down. With the leaf up, it measures 63″ wide, which is still smaller then my current folding table.
I plan to leave my Janome on the top of it all the time and store my Brother on the shelf inside the cabinet when I’m not using it since I don’t use it as much. I can keep my sewing books in the cabinet to the right and plus all my buttons and things like scissors, pins, tape measures, et cetera can all go into the trays inside the big door. The biggest appeal is of course it is smalled in every direction, so I will have more floor space in my room.
The only thing I will really need to find to make my craft room perfect is a good chair, but the cheapie folding chair I’m currently using does okay. Its not the worst but not the best either.
I have about a week before either my new craft table or my cubical shelves I ordered last week arrive, but expect new photos of my craft room once I get them and get them built and set up.