Saturday I got a notice that my disability was being cancelled. I called them and not only are my payments being stopped, but my insurance is being cancelled as well. Why? Because my gynecologist says I’m not disabled. Read that again. My gynecologist says I am not disabled. I had no idea she was a qualified judge of my mental health, or that bipolar disorder and anxiety just vanish one day out of the blue.
I’m going to appeal the decision of course, but until then, this is what I’m looking at.
No insurance means no meds.
No meds means I absolutely cannot work and I will lose pretty much all functionality I have now.
If I can’t work, I definitely can’t afford to pay to get insurance to get my meds. So again, no meds.
With no meds, no functionality, I’ll be reapplying for disability again because I will be unfit for work.
I literally can’t even right now because this is such a fucking clusterfuck.
I can likely still be seen by my psych doctor without income but getting meds is super iffy. And while I would love to work, support myself, and pay my bills like most other people, I can’t even get through a jury duty summons without having panic attacks at the prospect of having to be around strangers for several days running.
I’m high functioning now because I avoid all the things that trigger me and cause me issues. I am med compliant. I do everything I can to make things easier on myself.
But being cut off from my meds and losing my disability status takes all those coping mechanisms away from me and leaves me with nothing but my mental illness.
I’ve had another violin lesson with the lovely Faustina, and I still love it. Its challenging, but in a good way. My next (3rd) lesson is this Friday and while I’m struggling with my C note (2nd finger, 3rd string), otherwise I’m doing okay. I really should devote a little more time to practicing though. An extra half hour a wek would really make a difference, and that’s really only 5 minutes more a day if I practice 6 days a week.
My guitar I bought that I shared with you previously has been rehabbed, though I did have to rig up a fix for one of its issues. I replaced the tuning heads, the nut, the saddle, and the strings and bridge pins, but discovered after it was strung that there’s something not right with where the nut sits, and my strings were all touching the first fret. I poured, cured, and trimmed a small bit of clear resin to pad under the nut to raise it just a bit to keep the strings of the first fret. I also discovered after all of that (time, effort, money) that the neck is cracked. But it seems to be straight on the front side and playable so I will ignore it until it either gets worse or actually breaks. I’m doing the beginner’s group lesson at Guitar Center on the 17th. It will be a busy day as I will be doing that in the morning, we’ll be taking my FIL shopping after that, and then most likely going to a party in Palmdale.
My FIL has had a knack for scheduling his appointments at the only times I am actually busy, so I made and printed out calendars for him that show all the times I am not available… and he still manages to schedule things for the wrong days and times. *sigh* He scheduled one for this Friday right before my violin lesson…. there’s no way we will have time to get to his Dr’s appointment, then go out to eat, drive him home, drive back to Lancaster, and get to my lesson before 4pm, so I said we will have to go eat before the Dr’s appointment. I know he doesn’t want to get up that early but I did say noon or before 1pm when he was scheduling it and of course he scheduled it for 1pm.
When I go to my next Dr’s appointment I am asking to be taken off of the Trileptal. I don’t feel like it did anything to curb my mild mania, and honestly, I don’t want to take something that seems to do nothing for me. I closed my last credit card down so its going to take a lot of effort for me to do any crazy spending now, and really that’s all I do now if I’m somewhat manic.
I finished this blanket this morning- it was supposed to only be a baby blanket between 36″ and 42″ wide but nope. Once again my color plan took over and it grew and grew. It would be great over a couch or on a twin sized bed. I had to buy another skein of the red to finish it because I literally ran out with 15″ to go before it was done. Ugh. Oh well. At least its a nice red.
We are trying to eat a bit better and I stocked up on fruits and veggies this last shopping trip. There will be no excuses for eating like crap. When I bought all the groceries yesterday, the cashier rang up almost all of my fruits and vegetables wrong, but it ended up being to my benefit and I really didn’t feel like correcting her with almost every produce item she typed in.
Tuesday I had an appointment with my psych doctor, where we discussed I feel fucking fantastic, but strongly suspect I am somewhat manic due to the condition of my one credit card account. Its fairly hemorrhaging money, and spending money is something I do when I’m manic. He suggested trying me on a low dose of Trileptol along with my other meds (Geodon and Zoloft) to see if it balances me out. The mania started around the same time as the Zoloft did. Ugh.
Part of me is like “Just go back on Wellbutrin! You were stable then!” but I had so many side effects from it which is why I went off of it. I really hope this works though, because I am getting tired of making changes and trying to find the magical “this works”.
Last night I decided to very carefully make some adjustments to my DIY kit ukulele and try to tune up the set-up a bit and make it play better. I carefully removed the nut and the saddle and sanded them both down (from the bottom) and reinstalled them. I also gently removed the neck from the body and reglued it, and made it sit a little flatter, and the same thing with the bridge. It seems to play better now, though I realized I actually installed the bridge in not quite the right spot, which means my intonation is a bit off. I didn’t realize when I put it together that the location of the bridge was that important. Eventually I might see about measuring that out (maybe when I change my strings?) and placing at a more optimal position.
Today is mine and Mattie’s 7th anniversary. 7 years with this guy and we’re both still alive! LOL Sashi will be 6 in a few weeks. We got her when we had been together about a year, but I still can’t believe she’s a middle-aged dog now. I have a small gift I made Mattie, and he’s cooking me dinner tonight- chicken, steak, cole slaw, wine. Hopefully the wine doesn’t mix badly with my new medication.
Yesterday I had my appointment with my psych doctor and it went well. I explained to him that in hindsight I felt going off of the Wellbutrin and not trying another anti-depressant was a mistake, that I felt I had been going downhill over the last six months, culminating in a couple of weeks of crying and some very negative thoughts. I also told him in less than a year I’ve gained 90 pounds, because to put it simply, I eat my feelings and I’ve not been well. Of course it took months for me to see it for myself because I never see it until I’m about thirty feet underground.
He pointed out that I’ve been having manic depressive cycles which I should not be, and we decided to try Zoloft and see where that leaves me. Later we may try increasing my dose of Geodon as well if this doesn’t control my cycling. I took the first dose of the Zoloft last night.
After I picked up my new Rx, I stopped by Michael’s and found two skeins of yarn I liked in the clearance aisle, plus got some others that were on sale, plus I had a 20% off coupon. I also got two rubber stamps for $1.00 each.
We had pool league last night and I did terrible. 16 points across all 4 games, my best game being a 6. Just not a good night for me or really anyone on our team. We only won one set.
After we left pool, we stopped by Berry Star and got frozen yogurt. I tracked all my food yesterday and managed to stay under my limits. I’m trying to use up all the meat in the freezer before I buy more, and I think we have about 5 days left – I think we will run out right before the end of the month.
After we got home, Mattie went right to bed, and I fed the dogs, did the dishes, took the dogs out to potty, put some purchased craft supplies away, put the dishes away, checked the mail, sorted out and threw away Mattie’s holey socks, and put the laundry away. It was a lot of stuff but it only took about 45 minutes to do. Then I finally got to bed.
I saw my psych doctor yesterday and discussed with him my issues with sleeping at night, staying asleep sometimes, and that I experienced a 6 week long hypo-manic episode which is completely unusual for me. My bipolar, when unmedicated, was very rapid cycling, so even this weird mixed episode lasting 6 weeks is very odd and out of the ordinary. He suggested for my issues getting to sleep I try Klonopin and see if it helps. I don’t expect to take it every night but on nights when I’d otherwise be up until 4am, hopefully it will help. They are 2mg tablets, and I took one last night. I fell asleep within 30 minutes and slept for 14 hours straight through. I bought a pill splitter today so will try a half of one tonight instead. 14 hours sleep is a bit excessive.
I also returned a few skeins of yarn I overbought for my current blanket project and got a few dollars store credit. Its not a lot but I couldn’t see any need to keep that particular excess in yarn. The blanket, after I did the math on paper, has 24 more rounds before its finished, if I stop at only one round of off white on the outside edge. It will definitely be big enough for the intended person’s bed when its done.
Monday night while we were at pool league, I took some yarn and a hook and in about two hours between games and the following afternoon, I put together this hat.
It looks better on an actual person then it does on my foam head.
I used super bulky Lion Brand Hometown USA yarn and the majority of the hat is HDC, but the opening edge/rim is SC. Some of the stitches were done granny square style as well. I’m really happy with it especially since it only took 2 hours to make!
Food today has been pretty good. I did some snacking, but dinner was healthy and I still have room in my day to cut up and split that cantaloupe with Mattie later when he gets home from pool tonight.
Dinner looks kind of gross but it was so good. I thin sliced 2 zucchinis, about a half a pound of carrots, two bunches od green onions, chopped, 1 cup dry white rice, 2 eggs, and a 12 ounce package of bacon, chopped. I also added garlic powder. It all went into the wok and was periodically stirred until everything was cooked and the loose moisture had been cooked off. It tasted so much better than I expected! Mattie felt the need to add soy sauce but he said he would eat it again, so that’s good.
Not a lot else to share right now. Mattie’s got pool again tonight so will probably just watch some TV in the bedroom and work on the never ending blanket for a while!