General

Yes, I Did It Again

I had therapy yesterday, which was tough, but it brought some facts to light I had never really considered before. I love therapy because even if it brings up painful things sometimes, it helps me look at myself and my actions objectively and since I’m really into facts over feelings, it honestly makes me feel better about myself, and I love that. ❤️💛💚💙💜

Today I woke up and I was freezing. It’s not Halloween yet. It shouldn’t be this cold, I thought. And the temp wasn’t that cold – mid-50’s, but there is a cold, hard blowing wind. And my window is open. And the fan was on. I turned the fan off but I’m not quite ready to close the window yet. I’ll live with being chilly a little longer.

I cleaned up after the puppies, let them out to play, and made myself something to eat. I had a nice snuggle with Yuba, who was happy to hog all my blankets and not share them. Then I got a black felt tip pen, a new 18g needle, and went into my bathroom.

Ten minutes later, I had a 3rd hole in each earlobe, though I had to do the left side twice because the first one was too low. There was a lot of blood – it was running down my face and neck – but it stopped pretty quickly. Still, its really hard to hold onto a fiddly earring back and try to push it into place when your fingers and earlobe are slippery with a ridiculous amount of blood from such a tiny pair of holes.

I have a few new pieces of body jewelry coming in the next few days, and one of them is a super cute nose screw, so that’s what I be piercing next. I’m going to order a pair of bucket forceps and try to do my traguses myself too.

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General · Health

Finding Myself Again (Depression is a Mother Fucking Bitch!)

Tonight, after everyone was asleep, I took a shower. And while I was in there, I realized showering is recently a much more complex affair then it was two months ago. I have antibacterial soap to cleanse my numerous new piercings. I have facial cleanser to wash away the day’s makeup. I have body wash for the rest of my skin. I have an expensive tar shampoo to wash my hair and soothe my scalp. And after I get out, I have a fancy, delicious smelling coconut oil conditioner to work into my hair to make it smooth and shiny and soft. And that’s not even counting if I’m shaving – then there’s soap and razors. Maybe baby oil to rub over my skin afterwards.

Makeup. The day’s makeup. I went literally years without a touch of it on my face and now I’m wearing it almost every day because I feel beautiful with it on. My new piercings. 6 total in the last ten weeks because they make me feel pretty with more planned.

I’ve purchased jewelry that I’m actually wearing. I signed up for Ipsy. I bought nail polish twice in recent weeks and I’ve done my nails 3 times in the last week. My hair is currently in curling rods in the hopes of having fabulous cascading curls tomorrow when I wake up.

My next body mod will be a small tattoo that will be a reminder that I have value and I am worthy of so many things – love, good health, friendship, family, good things in my life. This is a thing I have a problem with and I often forget but I’m working on it with my therapist and all these things above are signs of progress. I feel good about myself for the first time in at least 6 years. I feel WORTHY of self – care for the first time in longer than I can remember.

Depression is a mother fucking bitch. You lose track of what’s important (yourself) and you stop believing in your WORTH. Even with medication, my environment was still a big determiner of how I felt about myself. Getting away from my ex was the best thing I could have done for myself and I only regret not doing it sooner.

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General · Health

I’m Okay

Things have cooled off and I feel like I’m in a much better place emotionally/mentally. I feel calmer, more in control, and less… well, crazy. This is good. I’m okay.

I’ve managed to sell a few more things, including some yarn and some books, and hope to sell more over the next few weeks. I have my car registration coming up in October, and I need to get Yuba neutered, which is going to cost me another hundred bucks or so. Money I don’t typically have just laying around. I also want to get some more piercings, which will cost money too.

Right now, my extra expenses over the next few months are basically $96 car registration, $100 Yuba’s neutering, and whatever it will cost for my next piercings. I’d like a few rings put through my outer labia, a second set of holes in my earlobes, and I kinda want my belly button done but I’m not sure if that can happen because of the scarring I have from two surgeries through my navel. There’s also Bark at the Park in October that I want to take Yuba to, and I would like to have about $30 of spending money for that as well.

I’m working on housebreaking Yuba, which was going really well, but then we got down to one other puppy, and when he was brought inside, everything went to shit. Tonight I’ve got them both in my room and they will both go in the crate tonight and hopefully there won’t be any messes to clean up because in theory they will tell me when they need to go out in the morning and I will rush them outside and treat them for going potty like good puppies.

I don’t really have much else going on right now. Its mostly puppies and puppies and more puppies, and getting holes punched in me. I can’t remember if I posted about it, but a month after I got my nips done, I went back and got a VCH and my septum done too.

Oh! And I finally got the spare room set up as my craft room, so that’s good. I just haven’t done any work in there yet. I started to one day, but it didn’t happen.

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General

Things

I’m not really angry anymore, but I am contemplating unfriending Mattie on Facebook, and his mom too. My curiosity got the better of me, and I went trolling back to his posts when he announced our breakup. There was rather a lot of shit talking, which amounted to me being a crazy bitch, a terrible cook (his mother agreed on this even though she’s never eaten my cooking?), and there were comments about how at least I wouldn’t be trying to poison him any longer. Granted, I said some things here, but I did not post things like that where he was likely to see them nor did I encourage my friends to badmouth him. I asked him on Saturday for space- and he hasn’t respected that at all so far because he’s still sending me messages and chattering away at me just like nothing had happened. He’s refusing to respect my “no” and that’s not okay.

At the urging of a friend, I joined FetLife, which is a rather interesting place. Basically its Facebook for fetistists/kinksters. Creating my profile was interesting, as has been browsing the site in general. I found a few people I know right off, which honestly, while nice, was not a surprise. Some of the people I found I’m quite fond of, while others… well, I won’t be communicating with them there, either. But such is social networking, right?

I think I’ve lost a few pounds over these last few weeks, though not because I was trying. If I’ve been out of the house, I’ve eaten once per day, and at home, maybe twice, and half the time its been salad. I just don’t have an appetite most days. Am I depressed? I’m honestly not sure. On the surface I feel pretty good- I’m free of the confines of the unhappiness of my last relationship, and I can do what I want now. I can focus on making myself happy, instead of someone who can’t be happy no matter what I did. I’m free to branch out, meet new people, pursue what I like, and say no to what I don’t. But at the same time, I’m unhappy at having to have had to move back to my mom’s. This is not my home. I honestly don’t know where home is at this point and I feel somewhat unmoored.

I saw my psychologist yesterday and I requested a refill on my Klonopin Rx. I still have several left, but I like having it just in case. I took one every night the week we broke up, but haven’t touched them since. And I’ve been working off of the same 30 tablets for over a year so its not like I just take them all the time.

Today I was supposed to meet with County Mental Health’s Employment Specialist, but I cancelled and rescheduled my appointment for after the first. I messed up my finances pretty badly this month and I don’t have gas money to make trips I absolutely don’t have to into town. I sold some stuff at the beginning of the month, and I had less expenses, but between paying off some small debts and eating in town a lot, I managed to overspend for the month and now I’m counting pennies until next month’s money comes in. Next month will be better though. I just need to track my spending better and stick to my budget. I can do this.

I also saw Princess yesterday and we hung out for a little while. It was nice to see her and nicer to see she’d gotten rid of her husband. Seems to be a lot of that going around. She’s looking fabulous though and the kids- OMG! The girl is 14 now and beautiful, and the oldest boy is 6 foot and trying to learn to play guitar. I was like damn it. I feel so old seeing them as closer to adulthood then babyhood.

I did get most of my stuff tucked away into the spare room, so I can say most of my belongings have been put up. There’s still a few things laying around the house, but its still progress made. And my mom is making an effort (finally) to clean up the rest of the house. She’s sent me into town with 4 kitchen trash bags full of stuff to be donated, and thrown away a bunch more. Of course there’s still a ton to go through but any progress is good. I still need to get her to take in the old electronics to the drop off and that would clear out a lot of space in the house. But baby steps….

And I got rid of almost half of my yarn! Stuff I wasn’t completely in love with I sold, with a few more still to go. It made a big difference in getting things put away.

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Health

Mental Health

So on Wednesday, Dept. of Mental Health called me up and asked me to come in on Friday for an evaluation. I wasn’t totally thrilled about this, but whatever… I’d get through it.

On Thursday night I discovered that DMH has a patient portal website and you can view your records, test results, etc. I signed up, but needed an access code to actually get full functionality.

Friday I went in and met with a really nice woman. She was friendly without trying to be my friend, professional, and straight to the point. She made me as comfortable as possible considering all the things that were asked. The evaluation interview took about 90 minutes and I was out of mental energy at the end of it, but I mentioned a lot of things I had held back before and things my psych Dr. is still unaware of. I basically spilled everything because I figured once its out there, I can either explain it or not, but I can’t unsay it, and I have so many problems I really should be discussing with my Dr but I just don’t.

At the end she asked if there was anything I wanted to do to add to my treatment, like therapy, and I said yes. I said yes to therapy! I meet with her again next week to either definitely become one of her patients, which is what I am hoping for, or to find out whose patient I will become. Either way I’m both nervous and looking forward to it because there are so many things I need to work through. The whole thing was stressful, but I made it through and I think it will be for the better.

When I came home, I logged into the patient portal and input my access code and I found this under my diagnosis:

This is super interesting to me because never in the 8 or 9 years I’ve been going there has anyone ever mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. Its also a tiny bit funny because this is what I self-diagnosed myself with via the internet before I ever went in to the DMH to get help.

Reading over the information on it on a government site, I’m pretty much a textbook case… and Liz pointed out that it can be hard if not impossible to tell a person with a personality disorder that they have one, but damn it! I need all the information! Gimme!

So in short, weird new-to-me diagnosis feelings, excited and scared to start therapy, but super glad to hopefully start working through some shit and move forward.

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Health

Freaking Out

Saturday I got a notice that my disability was being cancelled. I called them and not only are my payments being stopped, but my insurance is being cancelled as well. Why? Because my gynecologist says I’m not disabled. Read that again. My gynecologist says I am not disabled. I had no idea she was a qualified judge of my mental health, or that bipolar disorder and anxiety just vanish one day out of the blue.

I’m going to appeal the decision of course, but until then, this is what I’m looking at.

No insurance means no meds.

No meds means I absolutely cannot work and I will lose pretty much all functionality I have now.

If I can’t work, I definitely can’t afford to pay to get insurance to get my meds. So again, no meds.

With no meds, no functionality, I’ll be reapplying for disability again because I will be unfit for work.

I literally can’t even right now because this is such a fucking clusterfuck.

I can likely still be seen by my psych doctor without income but getting meds is super iffy. And while I would love to work, support myself, and pay my bills like most other people, I can’t even get through a jury duty summons without having panic attacks at the prospect of having to be around strangers for several days running.

I’m high functioning now because I avoid all the things that trigger me and cause me issues. I am med compliant. I do everything I can to make things easier on myself.

But being cut off from my meds and losing my disability status takes all those coping mechanisms away from me and leaves me with nothing but my mental illness.

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Crafting · General · Health · Music

All The Things

I’ve had another violin lesson with the lovely Faustina, and I still love it. Its challenging, but in a good way. My next (3rd) lesson is this Friday and while I’m struggling with my C note (2nd finger, 3rd string), otherwise I’m doing okay. I really should devote a little more time to practicing though. An extra half hour a wek would really make a difference, and that’s really only 5 minutes more a day if I practice 6 days a week.

My guitar I bought that I shared with you previously has been rehabbed, though I did have to rig up a fix for one of its issues. I replaced the tuning heads, the nut, the saddle, and the strings and bridge pins, but discovered after it was strung that there’s something not right with where the nut sits, and my strings were all touching the first fret. I poured, cured, and trimmed a small bit of clear resin to pad under the nut to raise it just a bit to keep the strings of the first fret. I also discovered after all of that (time, effort, money) that the neck is cracked. But it seems to be straight on the front side and playable so I will ignore it until it either gets worse or actually breaks. I’m doing the beginner’s group lesson at Guitar Center on the 17th. It will be a busy day as I will be doing that in the morning, we’ll be taking my FIL shopping after that, and then most likely going to a party in Palmdale.

My FIL has had a knack for scheduling his appointments at the only times I am actually busy, so I made and printed out calendars for him that show all the times I am not available… and he still manages to schedule things for the wrong days and times. *sigh* He scheduled one for this Friday right before my violin lesson…. there’s no way we will have time to get to his Dr’s appointment, then go out to eat, drive him home, drive back to Lancaster, and get to my lesson before 4pm, so I said we will have to go eat before the Dr’s appointment. I know he doesn’t want to get up that early but I did say noon or before 1pm when he was scheduling it and of course he scheduled it for 1pm.

When I go to my next Dr’s appointment I am asking to be taken off of the Trileptal. I don’t feel like it did anything to curb my mild mania, and honestly, I don’t want to take something that seems to do nothing for me. I closed my last credit card down so its going to take a lot of effort for me to do any crazy spending now, and really that’s all I do now if I’m somewhat manic.

I finished this blanket this morning- it was supposed to only be a baby blanket between 36″ and 42″ wide but nope. Once again my color plan took over and it grew and grew. It would be great over a couch or on a twin sized bed. I had to buy another skein of the red to finish it because I literally ran out with 15″ to go before it was done. Ugh. Oh well. At least its a nice red.

 

We are trying to eat a bit better and I stocked up on fruits and veggies this last shopping trip. There will be no excuses for eating like crap. When I bought all the groceries yesterday, the cashier rang up almost all of my fruits and vegetables wrong, but it ended up being to my benefit and I really didn’t feel like correcting her with almost every produce item she typed in.

 

 

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General · Health · Music

New Meds, Ukulele Tune-Up, Happy Anniversary!

Tuesday I had an appointment with my psych doctor, where we discussed I feel fucking fantastic, but strongly suspect I am somewhat manic due to the condition of my one credit card account. Its fairly hemorrhaging money, and spending money is something I do when I’m manic. He suggested trying me on a low dose of Trileptol along with my other meds (Geodon and Zoloft) to see if it balances me out. The mania started around the same time as the Zoloft did. Ugh.

Part of me is like “Just go back on Wellbutrin! You were stable then!” but I had so many side effects from it which is why I went off of it. I really hope this works though, because I am getting tired of making changes and trying to find the magical “this works”.

Last night I decided to very carefully make some adjustments to my DIY kit ukulele and try to tune up the set-up a bit and make it play better. I carefully removed the nut and the saddle and sanded them both down (from the bottom) and reinstalled them. I also gently removed the neck from the body and reglued it, and made it sit a little flatter, and the same thing with the bridge. It seems to play better now, though I realized I actually installed the bridge in not quite the right spot, which means my intonation is a bit off. I didn’t realize when I put it together that the location of the bridge was that important. Eventually I might see about measuring that out (maybe when I change my strings?) and placing at a more optimal position.

Today is mine and Mattie’s 7th anniversary. 7 years with this guy and we’re both still alive! LOL Sashi will be 6 in a few weeks. We got her when we had been together about a year, but I still can’t believe she’s a middle-aged dog now. I have a small gift I made Mattie, and he’s cooking me dinner tonight- chicken, steak, cole slaw, wine. Hopefully the wine doesn’t mix badly with my new medication.

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Health

Tubal Ligation is Done!

Several months ago I started the process to get a tubal ligation. Once I found out the process, it turned out to be easier than I expected. My first stop was Planned Parenthood. They did the mandatory 30 minute counseling session with me to make sure I understood that sterilization is permanent and that I really did not want kids. That part was super easy.

Then I went to my primary doctor and requested a referral to a gynecologist. There was some hold up there with my insurance until I requested my medical records from Planned Parenthood and had my primary doctor send in the proof of the counseling session.

The next hold up was 3 times I was referred to the wrong kind of doctor. I finally got my referral to a gynecologist and she did an exam and asked me a lot of questions. When she heard that there is mental illness on both sides of my relationship, she agreed that that alone was an excellent reason to give me the go ahead. I wasn’t going to judge her idea of a good reason to sterilize me; I was just glad that she agreed to do it.

The next few weeks were filled with driving all over the place (did I mention the doctor I was referred to was an hour’s drive away from me?) to pick things up, have tests run, and in general drive me batty. I was thankfully able to do my EKG and bloodwork where I live, but had to drive down below to get my chest x-ray.

That was a week ago. Yesterday I went in for the actual surgery at Valley Presbyterian Hospital in Van Nuys. It felt like I was waiting in holding for hours, but once they put me under, I blinked and it was done. I freaked out a little when I woke up in recovery because for a few minutes I couldn’t really move and I couldn’t do more than just moan and whimper. I think they paralytic they give you for surgery was still in me a bit. When I could move better and actually talk, I spent 15 minutes cracking what could only be truly awful jokes because no one laughed. I’m so glad no one was there to record that.

The surgery itself went great. No problems, and just two tiny incisions. One in my bellybutton and one right above my pubic area. When we left the hospital, our first stop was to go to Arby’s. I was starving after my fast (the day before I was only allowed clear liquids and jello) and a turkey sandwich never tasted so good!

We stopped by the pharmacy, but I ended up not getting my pain med Rxs filled because the doctor wrote them on the same sheet, and Norco is nearly impossible to get here, and when the Rxs are written like that they have to fill both of them at the same time. Instead I just bought menstrual pads and a bottle of ibuprofen. The menstrual pads were because apparently after this surgery you bleed from your vagina and there is a big “don’t put things in your vagina” warning on the printout for after care… LOL. After that we were on our way home.

After we were home I kinda felt like I got kicked in the stomach by a horse, which is pretty much how bad menstrual cramps can feel. I was tired too, but not tired enough to actually sleep. Mattie and I stayed up kinda late watching TV on Hulu and then went to bed. At first I couldn’t get comfortable but then I knocked out pretty quickly.

This morning I woke up and I felt like I had a brutal workout at the gym yesterday and did about a thousand sit-ups. I took 600mg of ibuprofen and after about an hour felt quite a bit better. I’m still sore of course and I feel like an old lady, but its honestly not that bad and I wouldn’t die if I didn’t have anything for pain.

I’m super relieved that I did it. I’m glad I won’t have to worry about an accidental pregnancy. And as someone I follow on Instagram said, “Welcome to Sterile Club!” LOL I did however have a few naysayers along the way. I had a few private messages from friends when I talked about wanting this done on Facebook saying I was too young and I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m 35 years old people. I’ve never wanted kids. And one of the surgical nurses insisted I would be back in a few years to have it reversed, or that I could always rent a womb, or do in vitro fertilization. She also questioned me if my boyfriend was really on board with this. On the other hand, when I saw my new psych doctor the day before my surgery, he applauded me for making a conscious decision to prevent unwanted pregnancies when so many people who shouldn’t have kids just keep popping out babies.

But its done, and I’m glad. Now to just recover and get back to normal! I’m planning on doing some knitting during my downtime. 🙂

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Crafting · General

Pictures & Words :p

I’ve got lots of photos and plenty of words for you this time. This month is crazy busy with appointments because I got my surgery date (finally!) and will be getting my tubal ligation on the 20th. That means I’ve had to drive all over the damn place for my pre-surgical tests but I’ve just finished my last one. Of course the day before its clear liquids only and I have to drink some icky stuff to flush me out, which I am hoping won’t interfere with the fact I see my psych doctor that same day.

I think adding the Zoloft to my daily regimen has helped. My manic episodes have tapered off for the most part to just low level hypo-manic, which is good because I feel mostly in control through those. I will discuss it with my doctor and we’ll decide whether to bump up my Geodon a bit or not.

 

img_20160403_220508447_hdr.jpgI crocheted this basket for my craft room, using one strand each of Jade and Burgundy (Red heart super saver). It was pretty quick but larger hooks hurt my hands so I was glad when it was finished.

This cute little daikon radish was super fast and easy to make! I loved doing his greenery afterwards and figured he could use a bit of a face so stitched his eyes on as well. As stated in the pattern, you could also use it to make a carrot. 🙂 You can find the pattern on Ravelry.

I made two baby blankets as well, one of which (not pictured) I gave to Dee next door for Miranda, and one of which I am giving to a girl from the pool hall who is pregnant (below). This one is just a granny pentagon- super easy and quick to make. I think I spent a few hours over two days on this one.

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I made this super cute dinosaur stuffie for Tracy, and even gave him a smirk to match hers, though it was entirely accidental. His pattern is also located through Ravelry. I did shorten his neck and tail a bit because I was running short on yarn, but otherwise he’s pretty much like the pattern indicates.

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Last Wednesday I drove to Burbank and picked up Mattie at the airport and on the way home we stopped at Creative Ewe. So many gorgeous yarns, really nice store, and wonderful people staffing it. I am looking forward to going back when I can actually shop.

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Thursday we had a craft day (Tracy, Jami, and I) and we made these tasty sandwiches for lunch along with salad and of course lots of tasty snacks. She even got a lemon tart which was so good!

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I finally knit my Wurm hat, or as I am calling it, the beehive hat, complete with many many bees! It’s silly but I love it and I can’t stop wearing it.

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My yarn order that UPS failed to deliver, and then a few days later delivered to the wrong house. Finally arrived.

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Our last photos for today are two of my favorite face in the world. 🙂 She finally got over being mad at Mattie after he came home from his trip and decided she wanted to spend some time snuggling with him. A bad, blurry photo I know but she was so cute sitting in his lap in his chair!

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She’s also been spending a lot of time in silly positions lately. The weather is getting warmer so its all about exposing her belly!

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I also finally tracked down the High Desert Ukulele Club completely by accident. Tom and I were at dinner at the Greenhouse Cafe yesterday and I saw they were meeting in the next room, so maybe in a few weeks I will join them and actually learn to play it.

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