This is the final week of the fall semester. I will have at least a B in my math class, and I think a B in Spanish but I honestly don’t know. Math final is Wednesday and Spanish final is a video interview on Thursday evening.
A&P 1 I am 99% sure I failed. And honestly I’m less upset about that then I will be if he somehow passes me because I feel like there’s so much I didn’t learn that I should have.
Part of this is I think because I had 17 units this semester, and 3 of them were in a half term class that was accelerated. I feel like I just took on too much and when the half term class was finished, I just didn’t have anymore fucks to give.
I’m taking Intro to American Government, and Nutrition over winter. Spring I’m planning on A&P 1 again, Intermediate Algebra, and Spanish 102. Not going to bite off more than I can clearly chew again. It’ll take a bit longer but I would rather take my time to learn the material and do well.
Tied into the no more fucks I think is a little (probably) seasonal depression. We got more snow on Saturday but by Sunday most of it was gone. The neighboring community that’s up in the foothills is still blanketed in white. I drove through Lake Elizabeth on my way into Lancaster tonight and there was very little visible ground.
Tomorrow I need to finish the extra credit for my math class that’s due before the final, and I want to go into town and look for new jeans because my last pair is falling apart. I also have donations to drop off both to thrift and to a food pantry. The extra credit is really just a review of the work we’ve been doing all semester and most of it I still remember how to do… Lol.
There’s stuff around the house I need to get done too. Nothing difficult, just things like breaking down cardboard boxes and getting some papers filled out to go in the mail this week.
I think I would rather sleep for a week but that’s not something I can do.
In happier news, my mom and I ordered 2 heated cat beds. The reviews boasted many times over that cats who hate each other would cuddle in these beds. I didn’t believe it. But one of them arrived this evening and we set it up and an hour later, Millie, the hater if all things kitten, was in the bed, cuddled up with Tot… Lol.
I guess those beds are magical after all.
So I got a nice, solid, middling C in my BIOSCI100 class. Not amazing but definitely good enough. That’s the good news.
The bad news is I found out I need at least 4 more classes to graduate from the program, two of which I’m already anxious about.
I need a history class, a poli-sci class, and not one, but two math classes. The math classes are freaking me out because quite simply, I’m not good at math and I have to do one level higher than the one I failed multiple times already. Ugh.
I will definitely need tutoring, but I really hope that will give me the extra help I need.
The other thing is the added courses will make it really hard to finish all the core classes before the date I planned to enter the actual MLT program. I made a plan, but honestly it’s going to depend on what classes are available when.
Fuck dude. Shit just got real.
I’m one week away from being done with my first class towards meeting the perquisites for the MLT program. BIOSCI100, which when I signed up, I thought was going to be stupidly easy, has not been. It’s been challenging and I’ve worked hard for every point I’ve accumulated.
We’ve had two exams in the lecture portion, both of which I failed, but I got an A on the first exam in the lab and I’m pretty confident I got a B on the lab final that we took today.
I’m assuming our lab workbook will score highly, based on what I saw of my group’s work in the portion that I put together.
Last Sunday my mom and I went to the Wildlife Learning Center in Sylmar so I could do the extra credit assignment. Unfortunately it was raining and most of the animals were hiding in their shelters. I do think I did a good job of the write-up though and I asked questions if the people working there to get more information.
The birds really seemed to enjoy the rain but the mammals were all tucked away, cozy and warm.
Next Thursday we have the lecture final and if my predictions about the scores on the things we turned in today are right, I need a 65% on it to maintain my C.
This weekend I’ll be going over the topics on the final and working on my notes. He allows a page, front and back, to use on the exam, and I need to make it count.
I would love to get a B in the class but I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that.
I made the decision to end a friendship last night. I had a friend, whom I’ve known for about 4 years. In this time, this person has constantly overreacted, accused literally everyone who they interact with of constantly attacking them if they don’t tell them what they want to hear, and doing their damnedest to remain a victim in relation to virtually everything. People have offered to help them, and there’s always an excuse why they can’t do it.
The dumb memes saying you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life? That’s what it came down to. This person is addicted to drama, trauma, and negativity and while I wish them the best, I just can’t keep walking around on eggshells afraid they’re going to bite my face off over any comment I make.
It’s been getting more and more stressful to interact with them and it’s taking a toll on my mental health to continue trying to safeguard theirs when all I get back is being told I’m unhelpful, triggering, telling them what to do, and apparently recently I’ve started making fun of their disabilities. I can’t even begin to make sense or if the way they think. As a person with my own disability, I would never belittle or laugh at someone because of theirs.
Anyway… My evenings will be quieter now and I’ll find something else to fill them. Maybe I’ll actually get some crafting done now instead of trying to babysit them while they blame everyone else for all their problems.
I don’t really talk about the details of my mental illness here a lot. When I do mention it, it’s kind of in an oblique way. But tonight I’m going to talk about some really personal things.
I have bipolar disorder, which while I’m on a great couple of meds that keep me feeling pretty good most days, I do occasionally experience what’s called hypomania. Literally, “below mania.” It’s like being able to have super focus, really get into tasks, get all the things done. It’s sleeping a little less, but because you’re not really manic, and that string of depression is still there, you’re still in control and able to steer the boat. You’re still taking care of yourself, eating meals, getting enough sleep, bathing. You’re driven to succeed, and the more you get done, the more you need to do more.
And after a few days, maybe a week, it stops. Now you’ve got the motivation of a sleepy sloth and maybe you will sleep for 12 hours because there’s no real reason to get out of bed.
This is a real thing for me. I just spent 4 days hypomanic and after coming home tonight, I crashed into the don’t cares. But before I crashed, let me tell you what I did.
- I went to a special sale at my moms work, which was kind of like a mini Black Friday. Between my mom and I, we came home with a lot of stuff.
- I went through all the stuff and divided it into 5 categories. For Tracy, for Jami, for Jessica, for myself, and to be stashed for future giving.
- I put everything away that I was going to keep. Not only did I put things away, I reorganized half of my craft room because once I started moving things around, a light went on showing me how I could make everything better.
- As I worked to reorganize, I started pulling stuff aside to be donated to thrift. As it stands right now, the entire backseat of my car is filled with donations. I didn’t stop at just my craft room. I went through all my clothing, my entire closet, things on shelves in my room. I also selected some things to offer up for free to my online friends.
- I did 5 or 6 loads of dishes, several loads of laundry, collected the recycling from around the kitchen, and bagged up several kitchen trash bags full of trash. I put the old lemons down the disposal and I cooked a couple meals.
- I visited with our neighbors. They’re great people, but I tend to keep to myself, so being social like that is also tied into hypomania for me.
- I worked for several hours on projects. I framed a big project I finished a while ago. I removed some listings from my shop and added others.
And it all came to an end today after taking a big exam in class. I was suddenly exhausted, and had to make myself gas up the car and head home. Once I got home, I heated some leftovers and crawled into bed to watch Netflix. Hypomania over. I don’t even want to get up to pee.
So why am I telling you all this? Because this is how I work. I can’t do anything for weeks and then, if I’m “lucky,” an episode comes on and I get everything done. I make new art. I make jewelry. I stitch some stuff up.
Right now I’m currently taking one single course at a community college. Next semester I’ll be taking two. And two the next semester. And then I’ll be going full time to learn the skills needed to become an MLT. I’m excited but I know it’s going to be hard. I’m going to have days where I just can’t do it. But I want this and I want to put myself in a better place financially. I want to be a functional member of society who is self sufficient.
But I’m taking it one day at a time. Baby steps.
I think my brain is working towards hypomania… I’ve been busting my ass organizing and culling stuff to be donated or just thrown away.
Last night I went through all my clothes and everything that is nowhere near able to fit or just not my style anymore was washed and loaded into the car to be donated. There was an entire kitchen trash bag full and then a bit more. I also added a pair of almost brand new heels that while super cute, I just don’t wear heels anymore. So cute though. Wish I could justify keeping them.
I went through the end of my closet where all my kitchen stuff plus some random other stuff is and added a ton of computer paper to the donation pile. I also decided to donate some of my stuffed animals. Someone is going to get some super cute giraffe stuffies!
I still have a stack of papers to go through and figure out where to put my drop spindle and fiber, but that shouldn’t be too hard. I’m thinking about posting photos of my pvc ukulele stand to offer it up for sale. I don’t need it and can’t use it unless by some miracle we get rid of the mice in this house.
I still need to study for my exam that’s this evening. Hopefully I can at least get a C this time.
Two nights in a row, I’ve woken up from the same dream with a panic attack.
Basically, I was living on the streets, well, on an abandoned barge, and everyone was turning against me. I started plotting to get back at some of the people hurting me, and this sea captain helped me start a chain of catastrophic events, then rescued me. I had the clothes on my back. I was dirty and messy.
Turns out his ship could fucking fly and then we rode it across these roller coaster rails to a fantastic land where other humans didn’t exist. He was king of this land, and the people were a little different. Slightly feline looking, and covered in short fur but basically human in form.
The king adopted me as one of his daughters and sent me to have dresses made and get cleaned up and be made presentable.
I had an immediate attraction to the tailor who would be making my gowns and he stepped in to help me with my transition into their society. We spent all our time together. We fell in love. But elements of my real waking life were there too.
I was still the same weight. And when it came up that while a pregnancy could occur between our two species, it would be detrimental to the female, I said it was okay because I had already been spayed.
We traveled together between their planet and mine, visiting different cities around the world, doing silly things, learning about each other’s culture. We had fun.
But I was worried about really fitting in here. I didn’t fit in on my old life and people abused and hurt me. I wondered if that would just happen here in my new home too.
I’m not sure why this dream, which continued over two nights, was so triggering for me to cause panic attacks. I haven’t had one in a long time. It’s not a fun thing to wake up from. Heat racing, can’t breathe, your body feels out of control.
Thankfully I’ve had enough of them that I go through a mental checklist automatically. Can I breathe normally? Am I actually trying? Am I in physical danger? Am I in a safe place? Is there anything I can realistically do for myself to help this pass quickly?
By the time I get halfway through that I’m usually good. Last night I was barely awake and shaking so hard I almost started crying. But I rolled over, took a klonopin, adjusted my blankets, and breathed slowly and deliberately until I fell back asleep.
Tonight I was awakened too far for that to help so I got up and peed and watched an episode of South Park.
I don’t know if this anxiety is tied in to the date or something else. The 21st is the 9th anniversary of my Daddy’s death.
I’m pretty sure I’m in the middle of a hypomanic thing right now. The last few nights time has really gotten away from me, I’ve stayed up way too late, slept way too late, and have been happily cleaning and cooking.
Thursday I started picking up trash to get rid of, and took I think two bags full out to the barrel. I collected some things for donation, and I selected more dvds to be sold or later donated. I made chicken thighs cooked in olive oil and balsamic vinegar, rice that was cooked in the droppings, and a small salad for my mom and I.
Friday I did more cleaning, and made chef’s salads for us for dinner. I fought the urge to bake bread at midnight. I took the playpen, and other chick brooder accoutrements outside to clean the space back up in my craft room.
Today I’ve swept the craft room, wiped the dust and dirt from my sewing machine and table, wiped the dust off of my bass, guitar & djembe (poor neglected things), and started straightening out the desk. I made potato soup for us for dinner and we both had seconds. Yum! I took some more donations out to my car too.
I still plan to put some jewelry away and put my laundry away tonight and maybe do some other small cleaning tasks.