Chatting with a long-time friend tonight, I expressed my frustration with what I’m not finding. He asked me to make a list of everything I need in a partner. This was my list :
- Dominant but not domineering
- Really okay with butt stuff
- Exploratory but not pushy; respect for my limits
- Safe, clean, hygienic
- Not afraid to physically hurt me (maybe more than a little)
- Excellent communicator
And then we reviewed my list. And that brought up all the damned feels because monogamy, and his lack of it, is the one (really big) place we don’t line up. And it’s so frustrating because we’d make each other miserable, having to be what we’re not, and neither of us are willing to stand in the way of the others happiness.
There’s a lot of love between us. The sex was always great. And he’s the only one I’ve not only been able to submit to, but have wanted to give him my submission willingly and without question. He does things for me nobody else ever has. He’s the fucking bar everyone else is held up to and then falls short.
So tonight I sleep, frustrated, sad, wishful, and dreaming of his touch. Because everything I want is just out of reach.