• FML

  • Love

    It cannot be bought,

    but can be stolen with one glance.

    Worthless to one,

    priceless to two.

  • Conversations with Chris

    Me: Pukeboo!
    Chris: Is that a Pokemon?
    Me: It should be!
    Chris: Right?
    Me: Its fighting skill is surprise vomiting.
    Chris: Oh so like a real Pokemon then?

  • Conversations with Liz

    Me: We came home to poop all over the living room.
    Liz: Okay so like…
    Me: It was still warm so she literally just did it.
    Liz: I had to read that twice.
    Me: Lol Omg no. We did not poop all over the living room!

  • Conversations with Chris

    Me: Mattie is being a butt and not letting me sleep so I got up. He’s asleep though. Like a flailing corpse.
    Chris: So like a zombie…
    Me: Yes a zombie with flying knees and elbows.
    Chris: Is he all “Ugh! Zombie Mattie crave brains… and beards… and boobs! Zombie Mattie has complex wants and needs! Argh!”

  • Conversations with Chris

    Me: So did I show you my pussy? Damn it. My pussy hat.
    Chris: You know I know you mean that women’s movement thing.
    Me: Stupid phone. Making me sound dirty. I’m almost done with the second one someone is paying me money for.
    Chris: I knew you would make money with your pussy. I’ve been saying it for years.