Tonight, after everyone was asleep, I took a shower. And while I was in there, I realized showering is recently a much more complex affair then it was two months ago. I have antibacterial soap to cleanse my numerous new piercings. I have facial cleanser to wash away the day’s makeup. I have body wash for the rest of my skin. I have an expensive tar shampoo to wash my hair and soothe my scalp. And after I get out, I have a fancy, delicious smelling coconut oil conditioner to work into my hair to make it smooth and shiny and soft. And that’s not even counting if I’m shaving – then there’s soap and razors. Maybe baby oil to rub over my skin afterwards.
Makeup. The day’s makeup. I went literally years without a touch of it on my face and now I’m wearing it almost every day because I feel beautiful with it on. My new piercings. 6 total in the last ten weeks because they make me feel pretty with more planned.
I’ve purchased jewelry that I’m actually wearing. I signed up for Ipsy. I bought nail polish twice in recent weeks and I’ve done my nails 3 times in the last week. My hair is currently in curling rods in the hopes of having fabulous cascading curls tomorrow when I wake up.
My next body mod will be a small tattoo that will be a reminder that I have value and I am worthy of so many things – love, good health, friendship, family, good things in my life. This is a thing I have a problem with and I often forget but I’m working on it with my therapist and all these things above are signs of progress. I feel good about myself for the first time in at least 6 years. I feel WORTHY of self – care for the first time in longer than I can remember.
Depression is a mother fucking bitch. You lose track of what’s important (yourself) and you stop believing in your WORTH. Even with medication, my environment was still a big determiner of how I felt about myself. Getting away from my ex was the best thing I could have done for myself and I only regret not doing it sooner.
My last post was a few days ago, telling you about my tubal ligation experience. As of today (4 days after) I have virtually no pain but I do feel some tightness in my lower abdomen here and there. The vaginal bleeding stopped after the second day, and aside from getting tired really easily, I feel pretty damned good.
I never did fill my painkiller Rxs and i think I took a total of 1200mg of ibuprofen the day of surgery in two doses, 1000mg the second day in 3 doses, and 200mg the third day before we went out to a party.
My care sheet basically says “resume normal activity” and then has a whole section with things like “no driving” “no exercise” “no lifting”…. so I’m really not sure what normal daily activities I’m actually allowed to do. I’m just trying to do what I can, without causing myself pain or strain, and trying not to complete exhaust myself in the process.
Tomorrow I am taking Mattie’s dad to a doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, so hopefully that won’t wear me out too badly as we have pool later that night.
Several months ago I started the process to get a tubal ligation. Once I found out the process, it turned out to be easier than I expected. My first stop was Planned Parenthood. They did the mandatory 30 minute counseling session with me to make sure I understood that sterilization is permanent and that I really did not want kids. That part was super easy.
Then I went to my primary doctor and requested a referral to a gynecologist. There was some hold up there with my insurance until I requested my medical records from Planned Parenthood and had my primary doctor send in the proof of the counseling session.
The next hold up was 3 times I was referred to the wrong kind of doctor. I finally got my referral to a gynecologist and she did an exam and asked me a lot of questions. When she heard that there is mental illness on both sides of my relationship, she agreed that that alone was an excellent reason to give me the go ahead. I wasn’t going to judge her idea of a good reason to sterilize me; I was just glad that she agreed to do it.
The next few weeks were filled with driving all over the place (did I mention the doctor I was referred to was an hour’s drive away from me?) to pick things up, have tests run, and in general drive me batty. I was thankfully able to do my EKG and bloodwork where I live, but had to drive down below to get my chest x-ray.
That was a week ago. Yesterday I went in for the actual surgery at Valley Presbyterian Hospital in Van Nuys. It felt like I was waiting in holding for hours, but once they put me under, I blinked and it was done. I freaked out a little when I woke up in recovery because for a few minutes I couldn’t really move and I couldn’t do more than just moan and whimper. I think they paralytic they give you for surgery was still in me a bit. When I could move better and actually talk, I spent 15 minutes cracking what could only be truly awful jokes because no one laughed. I’m so glad no one was there to record that.
The surgery itself went great. No problems, and just two tiny incisions. One in my bellybutton and one right above my pubic area. When we left the hospital, our first stop was to go to Arby’s. I was starving after my fast (the day before I was only allowed clear liquids and jello) and a turkey sandwich never tasted so good!
We stopped by the pharmacy, but I ended up not getting my pain med Rxs filled because the doctor wrote them on the same sheet, and Norco is nearly impossible to get here, and when the Rxs are written like that they have to fill both of them at the same time. Instead I just bought menstrual pads and a bottle of ibuprofen. The menstrual pads were because apparently after this surgery you bleed from your vagina and there is a big “don’t put things in your vagina” warning on the printout for after care… LOL. After that we were on our way home.
After we were home I kinda felt like I got kicked in the stomach by a horse, which is pretty much how bad menstrual cramps can feel. I was tired too, but not tired enough to actually sleep. Mattie and I stayed up kinda late watching TV on Hulu and then went to bed. At first I couldn’t get comfortable but then I knocked out pretty quickly.
This morning I woke up and I felt like I had a brutal workout at the gym yesterday and did about a thousand sit-ups. I took 600mg of ibuprofen and after about an hour felt quite a bit better. I’m still sore of course and I feel like an old lady, but its honestly not that bad and I wouldn’t die if I didn’t have anything for pain.
I’m super relieved that I did it. I’m glad I won’t have to worry about an accidental pregnancy. And as someone I follow on Instagram said, “Welcome to Sterile Club!” LOL I did however have a few naysayers along the way. I had a few private messages from friends when I talked about wanting this done on Facebook saying I was too young and I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m 35 years old people. I’ve never wanted kids. And one of the surgical nurses insisted I would be back in a few years to have it reversed, or that I could always rent a womb, or do in vitro fertilization. She also questioned me if my boyfriend was really on board with this. On the other hand, when I saw my new psych doctor the day before my surgery, he applauded me for making a conscious decision to prevent unwanted pregnancies when so many people who shouldn’t have kids just keep popping out babies.
But its done, and I’m glad. Now to just recover and get back to normal! I’m planning on doing some knitting during my downtime. 🙂