• Crafting,  Education,  General

    Little Things

    I finished my exam, which didn’t take long. I’ll be driving in to turn it in this evening. I know I’m getting a good grade but I’m still curious about my other grades in the class and whether or not I might get a B. A B would make me so happy.

    I purchased and ordered yarn for my first sweater. The pattern seems to be more recipe than pattern, so I should be able to easily make a few minor changes. It’s basically a tube (it’s of the shoulder) with a cable across the chest.

    I feel so much better in the days since dropping the friend I wrote about before. I’m just so much less stressed and I’m not worrying about making sure they’re okay 24/7. I was basically babysitting them all day while they bitched about how horrible everyone treated them. At first I felt bad because it seems like they actually need a lot of help but I just couldn’t deal with them constantly playing the victim about every little detail in their life. It’s definitely better without them. I can get things done now.

    The kittens are growing like crazy and while the dogs are outside during the day the kittens have the run of the house. They’re basically complete little Psychopaths running around, jumping off of things, wrestling, climbing, getting tripped over, and doing all things cat. The littlest one, he’s so cute, has been a little behind the curve in learning to do all things cat. But he’s slowly catching up, wrestling with his brother and sister, and starting to climb and explore. I’ll be sad when they all go outside to become barn cats like we intended from the beginning.

    My doggos turned 2 years old on the 25th. It’s hard to believe they’re no longer puppies at all, considering they constantly act like puppies, racing around, playing, fighting, Wrestling, doing all the things that puppies do, pretty much 24/7 unless they’re sleeping or eating. I felt like a really bad dog mom because I totally forgot to wish them happy birthday and I didn’t even give them extra treats that day! The horror of it!

    I got a really cool backpack to tote around my stuff for school in the coming semesters. It was a little pricey but honestly good backpacks have always been a little pricey. I remember when I was in high school a JanSport would cost about $45 and that was in the mid-to-late 90s. I especially like the one I got because it has a special pocket that’s padded to hold a laptop, a smaller padded pocket for a tablet, it’s got pockets for water bottles, and as large as enough to hold a couple of binders or books. It’s also my favorite color.

    It’s currently 1:30 in the morning and I’m awake because after only getting 5 hours sleep yesterday, I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night only to wake up at 1 a.m. hot, headachy, and having to pee really bad. I went pee, and I’ve cooled down, but I still have the headache. Will likely take some ibuprofen in a little bit. There will definitely be an app in order this afternoon!

  • General

    Friendships

    I made the decision to end a friendship last night. I had a friend, whom I’ve known for about 4 years. In this time, this person has constantly overreacted, accused literally everyone who they interact with of constantly attacking them if they don’t tell them what they want to hear, and doing their damnedest to remain a victim in relation to virtually everything. People have offered to help them, and there’s always an excuse why they can’t do it.

    The dumb memes saying you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life? That’s what it came down to. This person is addicted to drama, trauma, and negativity and while I wish them the best, I just can’t keep walking around on eggshells afraid they’re going to bite my face off over any comment I make.

    It’s been getting more and more stressful to interact with them and it’s taking a toll on my mental health to continue trying to safeguard theirs when all I get back is being told I’m unhelpful, triggering, telling them what to do, and apparently recently I’ve started making fun of their disabilities. I can’t even begin to make sense or if the way they think. As a person with my own disability, I would never belittle or laugh at someone because of theirs.

    Anyway… My evenings will be quieter now and I’ll find something else to fill them. Maybe I’ll actually get some crafting done now instead of trying to babysit them while they blame everyone else for all their problems.

  • General

    Scary Adult Stuff

    I did a brave but scary thing this evening.

    One of the first people my ex introduced me to while we were together was this guy who physically is totally my type. Turns out he’s really nice, an actual good guy.

    We’d see each other at parties and friends house over the next 9 and a half years. He would flirt with me after he had a few drinks, but I never saw him flirt with anyone else. Multiple times we went out in a group and I watched beautiful women try really hard to get his attention and he would never notice.

    Fast forward 8 years. My ex and I have split up, and I’m chatting with him online fairly often. Still running into each other socially, at parties, whatever. I like him. A lot. Tried being subtle. Tried being obvious. No idea how he feels except I’m fairly sure he’s attracted to me.

    Tonight I sent him a message that said:

    “Okay…. So like potentially awkward message time.

    I have no idea if you’re seeing anyone, but I’m interested in you, and I don’t know if you’re uninterested or just oblivious. I’ve found you to be attractive since we first met.

    I would like to get to know you better and possibly see you romantically. Getting straight to the point here… Lol.

    If you’re not interested, that’s okay too. But it’s up to you now. I haven’t got a goddamn clue how this whole dating thing even works.

    I hope you’re having a good evening!“

    Then I proceeded to panic because I’m a 12 year old girl.

    Anyway, long story slightly shorter, he responded, he likes me a lot, but he’s trying to work on some personal issues before seriously dating anyone. This feels legit because his last relationship was a big mess and he’s a very honest person.

    He also said he wasn’t missing all my signals, he’s just not good at expressing things sometimes so he’s glad I took the direct route so we could talk about it.

    So yeah. I took a risk, did not go up in flames, and maybe it’ll work out to our liking in the future. I don’t think he’s really kinky but he is very open minded and has a curious nature.

    I’m sitting here now with some minor fallout from my earlier panic but I know things will be okay, whatever happens.

  • Dreamtime

    Mr Nice Guy

    Another word dream time here today!

    I dreamed I was still with dumb ass, but we lived on the beach in a nice house. We also had a smaller, less nice house behind it. My craft space was in the less nice house and I wanted to move it to the main house and make some changes to the room.

    I wanted to paint the room a soft orange, put up a huge square mirror with a large fancy goldfish on it, install custom shelving to hold my media stuff… And he was all on board with buying furniture, helping me hire people to do the work, everything. It was surreal because he sure as hell was never that helpful or interested in making me happy in the time we were together.

    I also did yoga every day in a fancy high-end studio in this dream.

  • Kinky Fun

    Not Being Selfish is Fucking Hard

    Chatting with a long-time friend tonight, I expressed my frustration with what I’m not finding. He asked me to make a list of everything I need in a partner. This was my list :

    • Dominant but not domineering
    • Really okay with butt stuff
    • Monogamous
    • Patient
    • Exploratory but not pushy; respect for my limits
    • Safe, clean, hygienic
    • Not afraid to physically hurt me (maybe more than a little)
    • Excellent communicator

    And then we reviewed my list. And that brought up all the damned feels because monogamy, and his lack of it, is the one (really big) place we don’t line up. And it’s so frustrating because we’d make each other miserable, having to be what we’re not, and neither of us are willing to stand in the way of the others happiness.

    There’s a lot of love between us. The sex was always great. And he’s the only one I’ve not only been able to submit to, but have wanted to give him my submission willingly and without question. He does things for me nobody else ever has. He’s the fucking bar everyone else is held up to and then falls short.

    So tonight I sleep, frustrated, sad, wishful, and dreaming of his touch. Because everything I want is just out of reach.

  • Kinky Fun

    Adulting Like A Motherfucker

    Anyone who knows me, knows I have problems with setting boundaries, and expressing my thoughts and feelings to other people. I had multiple conversations in the last 24 hours where I adulted like a motherfucker. I’m proud of myself.

    1. Last night I was talking to an old friend I recently reconnected with. Years ago, we used to hang out all the time, and since we have the same middle and last name, we called each other Mr and Mrs W——. Anyway, he was talking about how this girl he’s been seeing is all drama and games and I told him stop playing with little girls, get your shit together, and set an example for your son. His response cracked me up – “oh shit! My wife is finally back!”
    2. I had an honest conversation with C, who contacted me after the party last Saturday and we’ve been talking since. I was clear that while I like him and want to get to know him better, a big hurdle in any sort of dating or whatever is that he’s poly, and I am absolutely not. However, I think at the least he would make a great friend and future partner in crime. It’s fucking wonderful to be wanted though!
    3. I had a conversation with J explaining more of my living situation as well as that while I find a lot of women attractive, I’m not really into them like I am men. That his wife is adorable, but it was more of a spur of the moment thing. He invited me to another party the weekend after this one but…

    I am hopefully getting together with an old friend not this weekend but next, and I’m excited and can’t wait. This person is literally the only person who can turn me into a mewling puddle with just a look and I just want him to use me. I trust him completely and his touch is heaven. To say I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen is an understatement.

  • General,  Health

    I’m Okay

    Things have cooled off and I feel like I’m in a much better place emotionally/mentally. I feel calmer, more in control, and less… well, crazy. This is good. I’m okay.

    I’ve managed to sell a few more things, including some yarn and some books, and hope to sell more over the next few weeks. I have my car registration coming up in October, and I need to get Yuba neutered, which is going to cost me another hundred bucks or so. Money I don’t typically have just laying around. I also want to get some more piercings, which will cost money too.

    Right now, my extra expenses over the next few months are basically $96 car registration, $100 Yuba’s neutering, and whatever it will cost for my next piercings. I’d like a few rings put through my outer labia, a second set of holes in my earlobes, and I kinda want my belly button done but I’m not sure if that can happen because of the scarring I have from two surgeries through my navel. There’s also Bark at the Park in October that I want to take Yuba to, and I would like to have about $30 of spending money for that as well.

    I’m working on housebreaking Yuba, which was going really well, but then we got down to one other puppy, and when he was brought inside, everything went to shit. Tonight I’ve got them both in my room and they will both go in the crate tonight and hopefully there won’t be any messes to clean up because in theory they will tell me when they need to go out in the morning and I will rush them outside and treat them for going potty like good puppies.

    I don’t really have much else going on right now. Its mostly puppies and puppies and more puppies, and getting holes punched in me. I can’t remember if I posted about it, but a month after I got my nips done, I went back and got a VCH and my septum done too.

    Oh! And I finally got the spare room set up as my craft room, so that’s good. I just haven’t done any work in there yet. I started to one day, but it didn’t happen.

  • General

    Fuck Me…

    I’m literally lying in bed trying not to throw up. I’ve already vomited four times this evening, of course right after I took my evening meds. My anxiety levels are through the roof because there was a big “this changes everything” moment this afternoon and my brain, my stupid girl brain, is freaking out. I saw my therapist today but I still haven’t told her everything about this situation because I feel guilty about it. I know when I do tell her, and I will, she’s going to ask me to tell her why I felt guilty.

    The person I’ve been been casually seeing since Mattie and I broke up, his (negligent, absent) wife finally agreed to a divorce. And at the same time, my feelings are changing in a way I’ve seen before. Several times over the last 15 years that we’ve known each other, we’ve come together and I always end up with feelings towards  him. But the other times I backed off, kept it light, and made sure nothing came of it because I didn’t want to be tied to anyone.

    But now it’s different and the news of his wife’s decision tells me something will change, but it could go so many ways and I hate the not knowing. My anxiety is ramped up because I like to tackle things head-on, as soon as they arise, and I can’t do that now. I have to wait and see what happens, continue to be a supportive friend (because he is my friend and a good friend) and not drop my crap on him right now because Holy mother of Batman this is the worst possible timing for a case of the feels.

    But fuck me. This is hard and I’m equally fucked up about his emotional state right now as I am my own. I feel unstable. I feel unsure. I feel afraid and worried. And even though I’m an emotional hot mess all of a sudden, I still want to mother hen the crap out of him to make him feel better.