Another word dream time here today!
I dreamed I was still with dumb ass, but we lived on the beach in a nice house. We also had a smaller, less nice house behind it. My craft space was in the less nice house and I wanted to move it to the main house and make some changes to the room.
I wanted to paint the room a soft orange, put up a huge square mirror with a large fancy goldfish on it, install custom shelving to hold my media stuff… And he was all on board with buying furniture, helping me hire people to do the work, everything. It was surreal because he sure as hell was never that helpful or interested in making me happy in the time we were together.
I also did yoga every day in a fancy high-end studio in this dream.
Chatting with a long-time friend tonight, I expressed my frustration with what I’m not finding. He asked me to make a list of everything I need in a partner. This was my list :
- Dominant but not domineering
- Really okay with butt stuff
- Exploratory but not pushy; respect for my limits
- Safe, clean, hygienic
- Not afraid to physically hurt me (maybe more than a little)
- Excellent communicator
And then we reviewed my list. And that brought up all the damned feels because monogamy, and his lack of it, is the one (really big) place we don’t line up. And it’s so frustrating because we’d make each other miserable, having to be what we’re not, and neither of us are willing to stand in the way of the others happiness.
There’s a lot of love between us. The sex was always great. And he’s the only one I’ve not only been able to submit to, but have wanted to give him my submission willingly and without question. He does things for me nobody else ever has. He’s the fucking bar everyone else is held up to and then falls short.
So tonight I sleep, frustrated, sad, wishful, and dreaming of his touch. Because everything I want is just out of reach.
Anyone who knows me, knows I have problems with setting boundaries, and expressing my thoughts and feelings to other people. I had multiple conversations in the last 24 hours where I adulted like a motherfucker. I’m proud of myself.
- Last night I was talking to an old friend I recently reconnected with. Years ago, we used to hang out all the time, and since we have the same middle and last name, we called each other Mr and Mrs W——. Anyway, he was talking about how this girl he’s been seeing is all drama and games and I told him stop playing with little girls, get your shit together, and set an example for your son. His response cracked me up – “oh shit! My wife is finally back!”
- I had an honest conversation with C, who contacted me after the party last Saturday and we’ve been talking since. I was clear that while I like him and want to get to know him better, a big hurdle in any sort of dating or whatever is that he’s poly, and I am absolutely not. However, I think at the least he would make a great friend and future partner in crime. It’s fucking wonderful to be wanted though!
- I had a conversation with J explaining more of my living situation as well as that while I find a lot of women attractive, I’m not really into them like I am men. That his wife is adorable, but it was more of a spur of the moment thing. He invited me to another party the weekend after this one but…
I am hopefully getting together with an old friend not this weekend but next, and I’m excited and can’t wait. This person is literally the only person who can turn me into a mewling puddle with just a look and I just want him to use me. I trust him completely and his touch is heaven. To say I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t happen is an understatement.
Things have cooled off and I feel like I’m in a much better place emotionally/mentally. I feel calmer, more in control, and less… well, crazy. This is good. I’m okay.
I’ve managed to sell a few more things, including some yarn and some books, and hope to sell more over the next few weeks. I have my car registration coming up in October, and I need to get Yuba neutered, which is going to cost me another hundred bucks or so. Money I don’t typically have just laying around. I also want to get some more piercings, which will cost money too.
Right now, my extra expenses over the next few months are basically $96 car registration, $100 Yuba’s neutering, and whatever it will cost for my next piercings. I’d like a few rings put through my outer labia, a second set of holes in my earlobes, and I kinda want my belly button done but I’m not sure if that can happen because of the scarring I have from two surgeries through my navel. There’s also Bark at the Park in October that I want to take Yuba to, and I would like to have about $30 of spending money for that as well.
I’m working on housebreaking Yuba, which was going really well, but then we got down to one other puppy, and when he was brought inside, everything went to shit. Tonight I’ve got them both in my room and they will both go in the crate tonight and hopefully there won’t be any messes to clean up because in theory they will tell me when they need to go out in the morning and I will rush them outside and treat them for going potty like good puppies.
I don’t really have much else going on right now. Its mostly puppies and puppies and more puppies, and getting holes punched in me. I can’t remember if I posted about it, but a month after I got my nips done, I went back and got a VCH and my septum done too.
Oh! And I finally got the spare room set up as my craft room, so that’s good. I just haven’t done any work in there yet. I started to one day, but it didn’t happen.
I’m literally lying in bed trying not to throw up. I’ve already vomited four times this evening, of course right after I took my evening meds. My anxiety levels are through the roof because there was a big “this changes everything” moment this afternoon and my brain, my stupid girl brain, is freaking out. I saw my therapist today but I still haven’t told her everything about this situation because I feel guilty about it. I know when I do tell her, and I will, she’s going to ask me to tell her why I felt guilty.
The person I’ve been been casually seeing since Mattie and I broke up, his (negligent, absent) wife finally agreed to a divorce. And at the same time, my feelings are changing in a way I’ve seen before. Several times over the last 15 years that we’ve known each other, we’ve come together and I always end up with feelings towards him. But the other times I backed off, kept it light, and made sure nothing came of it because I didn’t want to be tied to anyone.
But now it’s different and the news of his wife’s decision tells me something will change, but it could go so many ways and I hate the not knowing. My anxiety is ramped up because I like to tackle things head-on, as soon as they arise, and I can’t do that now. I have to wait and see what happens, continue to be a supportive friend (because he is my friend and a good friend) and not drop my crap on him right now because Holy mother of Batman this is the worst possible timing for a case of the feels.
But fuck me. This is hard and I’m equally fucked up about his emotional state right now as I am my own. I feel unstable. I feel unsure. I feel afraid and worried. And even though I’m an emotional hot mess all of a sudden, I still want to mother hen the crap out of him to make him feel better.
I’ve apparently reached the post-break-up ranty/angry stage. Is this a thing? I honestly don’t know.
I’ve been sitting here and all I can think about is all the shit I have dealt with over the last 8 years…. culminated by the fact he couldn’t even tell me the full truth during the “let’s break up” talk.
Did I tell you all what he told me was the reason he wanted to split up? Because his friends say he’s no fun with me around. Ironic because since we’ve split up, he asked me to finish handling the final buyout invoice submission on the security system fiasco (yes, some of you might remember that?), I had to make the phone calls and find a vet who would help us let Lucy go yesterday morning, and after that he asked me to fix the vacuum because it was making a funny noise. My friend said “Oh so he wants to be friends with benefits, where the benefit is you keep handling his shit.”… ironic because he wants to use me now to avoid adulting… when I made him no fun for expecting him to act like an adult.
And now I’m just like why did I stay? If I had friends over and they weren’t his friends/there to amuse him, he was downright rude about them being there. He was volatile- at home he was either sullen and brooding, or flying into rages over the tiniest thing, screaming, yelling, and throwing things. I was afraid to get up to pee half the time it because it might cause a distraction from whatever he was using and make him angry. He threw full blown tantrums in public.
I was expected to keep the house spotless, provide him with meals, and remain silent and unseen except for when called upon. He never lifted a finger to help me with anything because he had a job, so I was being ridiculous to expect him to do anything around the house too.
I spent 8 years with the most strict vanilla sex with no variation and this is me, who needs a little (more than a little?) kink. He couldn’t figure out how to pull hair, spank, and anything other then straight PnV sex in missionary or me on top was out of the question. Foreplay was a foreign language he couldn’t bother to learn. Toys freaked him out and he was upset by the idea I might masturbate. And he was almost always in and done before I was really ready, so I can’t even remember the last time I orgasmed with him. And that dull, soulless sex was maybe once a month… He never once made out with me. Kissing seems to be on his “this is gross” list.
I’m angry now because I let myself become closed off from my friends and I stopped looking after my needs to cater to him even though it was not good for me. I’m angry because I wasted 8 years on a man-child who couldn’t look past his own narcissistic personality to actually treat me with respect and love. I’m angry because a million reasons and I can;t even articulate them. I’m just angry.
It’s getting closer to me being moved out of Mattie’s, and back in with my mom. I’ll be fine all day, but come nighttime, and I’m wracked with anxiety. The last 3 nights I’ve taken a klonopin to help me actually very some sleep .
My mom has taken 2 truck loads of my stuff out there and I’ve taken 3,with what i think will take 1 more load from each of us to get it all.
I would already be moved out there but the second room I’m supposed to have a hasn’t had the floor repairs completed so all my stuff out there so far is crammed into one room. Every surface is covered, roughly 5 feet high.
Tomorrow (well technically today) I’m thinking about driving out and collecting things for donation. The goal is to cut my clothing pile in half, get rid of all the old books I’ll never read again, the games we never played, the old stuffed animals I don’t love anymore.
Basically, I want to haul a full carload of of there tomorrow.
I’ve listed a few things for sale too, so hopefully I can make a few dollars towards getting some jeans that actually fit.
I’m just feeling overwhelmed with everything right now, Mattie is starting to get antsy about me as being here, and I just want this all to be over with. We’re still sorting out custody of a few things. I’m trading him my vacuum cleaner for an amp, and I’m thinking of asking if he’ll trade me my Pyrex for the guitar stand my acoustic guitar is sitting on. We still have to sort out the custody of most of our games.
I know in my mind that this is for the best but I’m so stressed out right now.
After almost 8 years, Mattie and I have decided to part ways and end our relationship. Sunday evening we sat down and discussed it, and both agreed we were better off without the other. There was no fight, no yelling, just an amicable agreement. We briefly discussed who gets possession of a few items, but most of our stuff has always been pretty separate. I’m taking the Keurig, which he was annoyed about, and he’s keeping Cards Against Humanity, even though it was a Christmas gift to me. I am trading him the vacuum for the amp I’ve been using. Netflix has been transferred completely over to him. The hardest part, for me anyway, is that I will be leaving Sashi behind, but I have to do what’s best for her, not just what I want. He says I can have visitation with her though so I hope that actually happens.
There’s just too many differences between us, that as the years went by, grew larger, which less to fill them in. I’m not going to sit here and say horrible things about him, but this last presidential election really brought to light some things I had been ignoring and just can’t any more. We’re just not compatible and it took too long to figure it out.
I called my mom first thing on Sunday and told her we’ve decided to end things, that its just not working out and can she please help me move. I took an entire carload of stuff out that evening, mostly yarn, and then Monday I filled my car again, plus my mom’s truck, which we took out and unloaded. I fell twice while I was out there and sprained my ankle, and the second time I fell, I landed on a bookshelf I was carrying and completely destroyed it.
I think two more truck loads and 2 more carloads will have everything out of here except what I’m opting to leave behind. Once I get everything straightened out, I’m going to start applying for wait lists on low income housing and hoping for the best.