• Education,  General,  Hobby

    Little Things

    I finished my exam, which didn’t take long. I’ll be driving in to turn it in this evening. I know I’m getting a good grade but I’m still curious about my other grades in the class and whether or not I might get a B. A B would make me so happy.

    I purchased and ordered yarn for my first sweater. The pattern seems to be more recipe than pattern, so I should be able to easily make a few minor changes. It’s basically a tube (it’s of the shoulder) with a cable across the chest.

    I feel so much better in the days since dropping the friend I wrote about before. I’m just so much less stressed and I’m not worrying about making sure they’re okay 24/7. I was basically babysitting them all day while they bitched about how horrible everyone treated them. At first I felt bad because it seems like they actually need a lot of help but I just couldn’t deal with them constantly playing the victim about every little detail in their life. It’s definitely better without them. I can get things done now.

    The kittens are growing like crazy and while the dogs are outside during the day the kittens have the run of the house. They’re basically complete little Psychopaths running around, jumping off of things, wrestling, climbing, getting tripped over, and doing all things cat. The littlest one, he’s so cute, has been a little behind the curve in learning to do all things cat. But he’s slowly catching up, wrestling with his brother and sister, and starting to climb and explore. I’ll be sad when they all go outside to become barn cats like we intended from the beginning.

    My doggos turned 2 years old on the 25th. It’s hard to believe they’re no longer puppies at all, considering they constantly act like puppies, racing around, playing, fighting, Wrestling, doing all the things that puppies do, pretty much 24/7 unless they’re sleeping or eating. I felt like a really bad dog mom because I totally forgot to wish them happy birthday and I didn’t even give them extra treats that day! The horror of it!

    I got a really cool backpack to tote around my stuff for school in the coming semesters. It was a little pricey but honestly good backpacks have always been a little pricey. I remember when I was in high school a JanSport would cost about $45 and that was in the mid-to-late 90s. I especially like the one I got because it has a special pocket that’s padded to hold a laptop, a smaller padded pocket for a tablet, it’s got pockets for water bottles, and as large as enough to hold a couple of binders or books. It’s also my favorite color.

    It’s currently 1:30 in the morning and I’m awake because after only getting 5 hours sleep yesterday, I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night only to wake up at 1 a.m. hot, headachy, and having to pee really bad. I went pee, and I’ve cooled down, but I still have the headache. Will likely take some ibuprofen in a little bit. There will definitely be an app in order this afternoon!

  • General

    Friendships

    I made the decision to end a friendship last night. I had a friend, whom I’ve known for about 4 years. In this time, this person has constantly overreacted, accused literally everyone who they interact with of constantly attacking them if they don’t tell them what they want to hear, and doing their damnedest to remain a victim in relation to virtually everything. People have offered to help them, and there’s always an excuse why they can’t do it.

    The dumb memes saying you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life? That’s what it came down to. This person is addicted to drama, trauma, and negativity and while I wish them the best, I just can’t keep walking around on eggshells afraid they’re going to bite my face off over any comment I make.

    It’s been getting more and more stressful to interact with them and it’s taking a toll on my mental health to continue trying to safeguard theirs when all I get back is being told I’m unhelpful, triggering, telling them what to do, and apparently recently I’ve started making fun of their disabilities. I can’t even begin to make sense or if the way they think. As a person with my own disability, I would never belittle or laugh at someone because of theirs.

    Anyway… My evenings will be quieter now and I’ll find something else to fill them. Maybe I’ll actually get some crafting done now instead of trying to babysit them while they blame everyone else for all their problems.

  • Dreams

    Twofer

    I’ve had a couple really out there dreams in the last few days I thought I would share.

    A couple days ago, I dreamt that I was at this big gathering, mostly women, and I had gotten there by school bus.

    Apparently it was a get to know you mixer where polygamous families could look for a new sister wife. (probably inspired by my recent watching of Big Love)

    I was approached by 3 people, who all wanted to know if I was interested in joining their families. One was a request from someone who was a friend when I was a teen (until I found out he was a neo-Nazi) & one was delivered by the mother of the woman who was interested in me. I wasn’t the least bit interested in him but she did get my attention and I agreed to meet for dinner.

    The woman was named Amy and she was an Asian Mayim Bialik. Somehow we ended up having sex on the school bus in front of all the mothers. It was weird. It was also surprising because she had a very large penis.

    There was also a subplot going on where my shoes kept disappearing. And then I woke up.

    The dream I had today was a little wilder. I came out of somewhere to get in my car, but my car was gone. I asked a couple people where my car was, and someone knocked me out and dragged me to their car where upon awakening, I was presented with a mop that was a super computer (and kind of reminded me of Alexa) and told I needed to get home immediately, that this other woman would drive me there.

    My friend and I got in the car with her, and as we were approaching my house, we saw the ravine was filled with ice and there was a washing machine race going on. The woman driving us suddenly veered off the road down into the ravine where we discovered a huge party going on. Everything was covered in ice and snow, there was a part of a house (a kitchen with a beer fridge and a living room down the hall) and so many people milling around.

    After a few hours I knew I had to get home because something happened to my dogs, and I tried and tried to climb out of the ravine with my mop and a rake. Eventually I succeeded and started trekking my way towards home only to have to pass thru another building floating on bits of ice in a large body of freezing water that was filled with embroidery projects.

  • General

    Scary Adult Stuff

    I did a brave but scary thing this evening.

    One of the first people my ex introduced me to while we were together was this guy who physically is totally my type. Turns out he’s really nice, an actual good guy.

    We’d see each other at parties and friends house over the next 9 and a half years. He would flirt with me after he had a few drinks, but I never saw him flirt with anyone else. Multiple times we went out in a group and I watched beautiful women try really hard to get his attention and he would never notice.

    Fast forward 8 years. My ex and I have split up, and I’m chatting with him online fairly often. Still running into each other socially, at parties, whatever. I like him. A lot. Tried being subtle. Tried being obvious. No idea how he feels except I’m fairly sure he’s attracted to me.

    Tonight I sent him a message that said:

    “Okay…. So like potentially awkward message time.

    I have no idea if you’re seeing anyone, but I’m interested in you, and I don’t know if you’re uninterested or just oblivious. I’ve found you to be attractive since we first met.

    I would like to get to know you better and possibly see you romantically. Getting straight to the point here… Lol.

    If you’re not interested, that’s okay too. But it’s up to you now. I haven’t got a goddamn clue how this whole dating thing even works.

    I hope you’re having a good evening!“

    Then I proceeded to panic because I’m a 12 year old girl.

    Anyway, long story slightly shorter, he responded, he likes me a lot, but he’s trying to work on some personal issues before seriously dating anyone. This feels legit because his last relationship was a big mess and he’s a very honest person.

    He also said he wasn’t missing all my signals, he’s just not good at expressing things sometimes so he’s glad I took the direct route so we could talk about it.

    So yeah. I took a risk, did not go up in flames, and maybe it’ll work out to our liking in the future. I don’t think he’s really kinky but he is very open minded and has a curious nature.

    I’m sitting here now with some minor fallout from my earlier panic but I know things will be okay, whatever happens.

  • Dreams

    Mr Nice Guy

    Another word dream time here today!

    I dreamed I was still with dumb ass, but we lived on the beach in a nice house. We also had a smaller, less nice house behind it. My craft space was in the less nice house and I wanted to move it to the main house and make some changes to the room.

    I wanted to paint the room a soft orange, put up a huge square mirror with a large fancy goldfish on it, install custom shelving to hold my media stuff… And he was all on board with buying furniture, helping me hire people to do the work, everything. It was surreal because he sure as hell was never that helpful or interested in making me happy in the time we were together.

    I also did yoga every day in a fancy high-end studio in this dream.

  • Dreams

    Crazy Dating Dream

    I had the weirdest dream.

    I was asked out on a date by Chris (no one I know in real life but that was his name) and I said yes. But my mom only allowed me so many points per day to spend how I liked, so I had to decide all the way down to how much kissing if things went well. I got it figured out though and was ready to do this thing. My mom informed me if we wanted to make out it had to be in the light by Tiffany’s car. Who is Tiffany? Why do we have her car?

    Anyway, then I got word this other guy (too much money, spoiled, demanding, no social skills) was going to ask me out. Obviously I was going to say no.

    I was sitting on a public lawn on the Blvd in a spinning rolly chair when he approached. He demanded I come closer. I refused. He demanded someone bring me closer and even offered them $100. They refused.

    Eventually he drags me in my rolly chair onto the street and there’s a slight hill. I give myself a little push and start rolling down the hill. He runs to keep up, trying not to spill his precious glass of brandy.

    He’s angry and getting angrier. I’m laughing. Eventually he catches hold of my chair and demands I go out with him. I laugh in his face and tell him no and why. He gets so angry he vomits all over me. I punch him in the nose and head into the gay bar we’ve ended up in front of to use the bathroom to clean myself up.

    I realize while in the bathroom that I’m having a hard time standing still. I look down and I’m wearing roller skate. There’s a full flight of stairs going down from the corner of the bathroom and I sit down on them to change into regular shoes. I’m a bit cleaner but I’m worried because I can’t go home to change and my date with Chris is in a few hours.

  • General

    One Year

    Somewhere in these next few days marks my first year of being me post-relationship. It’s gone by really fast, and while I honestly like being single more than I like dating, it still feels weird sometimes after an almost 8 year coupling.

    In the last year, I’ve used multiple dating apps and attempted 2 dates. The first guy was supposed to meet me at Sharky’s but he stood me up.

    The second guy met me for coffee and could not hold a conversation at all. He just made occasional mumbling about his dog. I love dogs. I’m a dog person. But this guy seemed completely terrified of actually talking to me.

    I’ve had a lot of guys get crappy with me in chats because they accuse me of playing games when I don’t invite them over immediately. No, I’m just not allowed to have guests. And no, I’m not looking for a hookup, k thnx bai.

    I’m not even really actively looking to date. If I find a connection with someone and it’s a good fit and we enjoy each other, great. If not, I’m not all that invested. And if a good thing happens, I feel like I’m ready to be a part of it, but there’s no rush. And that’s okay!

    Anyway, yeah, one year also marks the time I’ve been living with mom and her boyfriend. One year of cleaning, purging, and organizing a mess that’s mostly not mine. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’m looking forward to the day I’m not living here any longer.

    Baby steps though. Baby steps.

  • Kink

    Not Being Selfish is Fucking Hard

    Chatting with a long-time friend tonight, I expressed my frustration with what I’m not finding. He asked me to make a list of everything I need in a partner. This was my list :

    • Dominant but not domineering
    • Really okay with butt stuff
    • Monogamous
    • Patient
    • Exploratory but not pushy; respect for my limits
    • Safe, clean, hygienic
    • Not afraid to physically hurt me (maybe more than a little)
    • Excellent communicator

    And then we reviewed my list. And that brought up all the damned feels because monogamy, and his lack of it, is the one (really big) place we don’t line up. And it’s so frustrating because we’d make each other miserable, having to be what we’re not, and neither of us are willing to stand in the way of the others happiness.

    There’s a lot of love between us. The sex was always great. And he’s the only one I’ve not only been able to submit to, but have wanted to give him my submission willingly and without question. He does things for me nobody else ever has. He’s the fucking bar everyone else is held up to and then falls short.

    So tonight I sleep, frustrated, sad, wishful, and dreaming of his touch. Because everything I want is just out of reach.