I’m literally lying in bed trying not to throw up. I’ve already vomited four times this evening, of course right after I took my evening meds. My anxiety levels are through the roof because there was a big “this changes everything” moment this afternoon and my brain, my stupid girl brain, is freaking out. I saw my therapist today but I still haven’t told her everything about this situation because I feel guilty about it. I know when I do tell her, and I will, she’s going to ask me to tell her why I felt guilty.
The person I’ve been been casually seeing since Mattie and I broke up, his (negligent, absent) wife finally agreed to a divorce. And at the same time, my feelings are changing in a way I’ve seen before. Several times over the last 15 years that we’ve known each other, we’ve come together and I always end up with feelings towards him. But the other times I backed off, kept it light, and made sure nothing came of it because I didn’t want to be tied to anyone.
But now it’s different and the news of his wife’s decision tells me something will change, but it could go so many ways and I hate the not knowing. My anxiety is ramped up because I like to tackle things head-on, as soon as they arise, and I can’t do that now. I have to wait and see what happens, continue to be a supportive friend (because he is my friend and a good friend) and not drop my crap on him right now because Holy mother of Batman this is the worst possible timing for a case of the feels.
But fuck me. This is hard and I’m equally fucked up about his emotional state right now as I am my own. I feel unstable. I feel unsure. I feel afraid and worried. And even though I’m an emotional hot mess all of a sudden, I still want to mother hen the crap out of him to make him feel better.
After finding out about my additional diagnosis, I spent the next 24 hours or so wracked by intense anxiety. I’m honestly not sure if that was what brought it on or not, but it was rough. I wanted to do anything to change how I was feeling, but Liz convinced me not to do anything (at least not make any decisions except to possibly take a Klonopin) until the anxiety had passed.
The next day I woke up sick. The cold Mattie brought home last week found its new home in me and ugh. I felt like death warmed over. But that’s all crappy stuff.
The good news is I got a letter from Social Security and they are reinstating my SSI payments and will review me again in 3 years. I’m also feeling a lot better today, so that’s good too. 🙂
Mattie and I had planned to go to Bark at the Park today but we had to take his dad shopping too, and since I’m still not feeling 100%, I didn’t want to do both in one day. I suggested we go to the Bark tomorrow but he said no, so no Bark at all this year. That made me sad and a little upset because I was really looking forward to going.
We took his dad shopping and we went out to dinner (I had a Cajun chicken pasta that the menu proclaimed was “hot” but it was barely spicy), and afterwards did some shopping of our own. We came home with drinkable stuff, too much wine, some meat that was priced too low to pass up, and some household stuff. I bought two tins of sardines which I love, but Mattie finds disgusting. :p I made us dessert (orange cranberry bread and blueberry bread) and we watched some comedies. The new Muppets show is pretty good- they did a nice job of modernizing it, and Gabriel Iglesias is always a good laugh.
I practiced my ukulele some after that, trying out some new strumming methods, and I think I found one I like better then what I was doing before. I made an audio recording to share with you, but I warn you its pretty bad. I’ve been playing for three weeks, and at the time of the recording, I’d been using this strumming method for all of five minutes so I was really struggling with bringing it all together. The file format is .3gpp, and is under 2 megabytes, which is playable in Windows Media Player, amongst other things.
Like I said, its awful, but I feel like recording myself periodically will help me to get better because I can hear what I’m doing right and wrong better. I’m really eager to get better and be able to play actual music instead of these vague little tunes of sadness. hehe
It looks like we’re spending the rest of our evening watching TV so nothing too exciting there. Maybe if he puts on something boring I’ll practice my ukulele a bit more tonight. Monday I want to call about seeing about taking a lesson.
I woke up today feeling so much better than yesterday. Yesterday I honestly felt like roadkill. I did make myself go back to the book sale yesterday though and found 5 more books I wanted- 2 crafting books, 2 cook books, and one art book called Gnomes that I bought for my friend Tracy who later I learned was actually looking for that book. That made me happy because I know she’ll be happy to have it. My 2 crafting books were both crochet patterns, which I seem to be collecting a lot of.
My cold is hopefully on the way out because I don’t think I can stand to be sick like this much longer!
I took the magazine we got by mistake several days ago to the house where it should have gone (our mail lady sucks and gives us everyone else’s mail all the time) with a note of apology attached about its delay in getting to her.
Mattie surprised me when he got home by taking me out to dinner at a little hole in the wall Mexican place and we both ate too much. Afterwards we came home to watch some TV, to catch up on a few of our shows.
Tomorrow is Saturday and is the start of Bark at the Park. We look forward to taking the girls to this every year because its a lot of fun. I donated a few doggie items to their raffle this year. I like to think the dogs have a good time too but who knows. I think Sashi finds it a bit overwhelming but exciting to be honest and Lucy is old and tired and doesn’t care about anything. But we take them every year and encourage them to play the doggie-friendly games and they always come home with new treats and toys, which they do really enjoy.
I ordered my Halloween costume today too after some deliberation and finally went with what I did because it was on clearance and I honestly don’t have a Halloween budget this year. It was a toss-up between a few things but the *_______* costume finally won out. I think it will be a little tight in the chest but I’m not too worried about it and it will be here in plenty of time to make sure it fits before Halloween.
I still need to practice my ukulele (it’s been days!) and to take the trash out and a few other little chores tonight. I’m hoping for another early night because I really could use the sleep since I am still sick.
Welcome to Deb’s Losing It!
Well, its my first post on this WordPress.com hosted site, which is new to me in the sense that I’ve always blogged on a self-hosted WordPress site in the past. However, letting a few domain names go and downgrading my hosting means I can cut my expenses in half almost, and my personal blog was just taking up space that was literally costing my money I don’t really have. The WordPress.com hosted site will do me fine though and meet all of my needs without a doubt and I’ll keep one domain name and a smaller hosting package for my business website.
I’m currently sick with an awful cold, and feel like death, and tomorrow will be a semi busy day. I’ve got to stop by the bank with some documentation to hopefully get final approval on a debt consolidation loan which long term will be cheaper than paying off everything like I have been. I’m also highly attracted to one steady payment throughout, and only making one payment instead of several. I’ve basically got 3 credit cards to pay off, one being a $1500 dental bill that in hindsight I wish I had had them pull the tooth rather than do a root canal.
Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow and can get all my errands done, as well as do some crafting. You can visit my shop at http://kittyloafdesigns.com. I’ve got over 200 unique handmade items, plus crafting supplies (some also handmade) available.