My therapist asked me to write about my own success story as a kind of graduation out of one on one therapy. To start with how I felt when I started with her a year ago, and end with how I feel about myself today. This is what I wrote.
A year ago I started therapy. I was anxious, even scared, about what it would be like. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I wasn’t bathing, or sleeping well, or putting on clean clothes. I worried about everything. I had just broken up with my now ex-boyfriend and my entire world was upside down. I had to move back in with my mom and I didn’t want to. I was worried about living with her because we didn’t have the best relationship when I was a child.
I learned pretty quickly that my therapist was non-judgemental, and open to discussing whatever I needed to talk about that week. She gave me a safe space to not worry about what might be thought of me, and to reflect on myself with her gentle guidance. At the same time, I started doing things that let me feel in control of my body, since I couldn’t control anything else in my life right then. This took the form of several piercings, some easily visible, some more intimate. I changed my hair. I started wearing make-up more often. I showered. I put on clean clothes.
I got a puppy, and I started cleaning the house. I slowly stopped worrying about the things that had bothered me- if my pup was safe, if I was safe, if I would have a place to live. My piercings became less frequent, though I still got a few new ones, as well as a tattoo. The word WORTHY on my foot. Because I am.
I learned to look at things that had happened to me in a different way. My mom did the best she could for me. Not all the bad things that happened to me as a child were her fault. She loves me and thinks I’m just fine the way I am. Realizing that made a big difference in how I felt living with her and her boyfriend, and things got better.
I realized my ex was even more of a self-centered, bullying, and verbally and emotionally abusive asshole than I had let myself see before we broke up. Good riddance to bad garbage. I stopped talking to him completely and blocked him on social media. There was nothing good he brought into my life. I felt good about that.
All of these changes, and talking about these things while my therapist reframed them for me to consider made me see I am worthy of my own love and affection. I am worthy of others’ love and affection. I am worth working on to become a better, strong, more emotionally secure person. I’m worth taking care of. I am, all of me, worth it. I’m smart. I’m capable. I’m a good craft artist and a great dog mom. I can and do learn new things all the time. I can take care of myself and I can be my own success story. I am not a failure.
I AM WORTHY.
Today I was supposed to have group therapy but I was the only one who showed up. Some group… Lol. But because my regular therapist is a facilitator for the group, she did one on one with me today instead of tomorrow and it went amazingly well today.
A lot of weeks I have a really hard time opening up and talking about anything. It’s not that I feel judged or unsafe with her, I just don’t know how to say what I want to say. But today I had something I wanted to talk about right away. That something that happened on Rav made me take a minute to write down all the things I’ve done here at my mom’s since I moved in 11 months ago. And that I’ve really done a lot, and helped my mom a lot and I don’t give myself credit for all the work that I’ve put in.
And I just kept talking for an hour. At one point she asked me how it feels to be the adult in my household. I said I didn’t really mind, things are working pretty smoothly, and it’s a lot easier to parent my mom and her bf than it was to parent my ex.
And then she asked what my long term goals are. I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately.
- I want to pay off my debt, which will take about 3 years.
- I want to buy 2 acres of dirt near some power lines (they charge you by distance to run lines into your property)
- I want to have power brought in and a well dug and a fence put up
- I want to buy a mobile home for me and my dogs
Then she asked me how I’m going to achieve my first goal. I told her I have an appointment in about 8 weeks with the department of rehab to try to get back into the job force, and I have been selling off or returning things I no longer want or need, as well as selling things in my shop and putting that small income towards my debt. It’s slow, but I’m slowly chipping away at it.
Then she asked me if I’m dating anyone and still seeing my friends. I told her I don’t feel any need to be dating – I’ve never really minded being single, it’s just sex I miss. And I see friends about once a month which is fine because I pretty okay with almost being a hermit. As long as I can reach out and have a conversation across some sort of media, I don’t need to see people often.
That was pretty much the end of our session but I feel really good right now because having a purpose (okay right now my purpose is cleaning and purging my mom’s house) makes me feel complete. It makes me honestly feel happy because I’m doing something positive with my time.
I’m in a good place right now. Dare I say I’m kinda happy?
I saw my therapist Thursday and we talked about some hard stuff. Mainly my childhood, and how my still current need to be submissive and good has been pounded into me since I was a little girl – don’t get emotional, don’t cry (or I’ll give you something to cry about!), don’t get angry, don’t act out, always follow directions… Do whatever it takes to get that “good girl” and a pat on the head. She had me pegged as submissive from the first time we talked about sex and BDSM even though I hadn’t actually said how I identify.
The difference now is I can control who I give that to. I can control who I allow to punish me if I’m naughty. I am in control and I’m not the same scared little girl. But sometimes I am still scared. What if I’m not a good girl? What if I never get that gentle caress and praise?
Logically, I know the world won’t end. I’ll still be okay, I’ll still be me, but I crave those two words so strongly and I have since I was a wee thing, and I wonder if that will ever change.
I had therapy yesterday, which was tough, but it brought some facts to light I had never really considered before. I love therapy because even if it brings up painful things sometimes, it helps me look at myself and my actions objectively and since I’m really into facts over feelings, it honestly makes me feel better about myself, and I love that. ❤️💛💚💙💜
Today I woke up and I was freezing. It’s not Halloween yet. It shouldn’t be this cold, I thought. And the temp wasn’t that cold – mid-50’s, but there is a cold, hard blowing wind. And my window is open. And the fan was on. I turned the fan off but I’m not quite ready to close the window yet. I’ll live with being chilly a little longer.
I cleaned up after the puppies, let them out to play, and made myself something to eat. I had a nice snuggle with Yuba, who was happy to hog all my blankets and not share them. Then I got a black felt tip pen, a new 18g needle, and went into my bathroom.
Ten minutes later, I had a 3rd hole in each earlobe, though I had to do the left side twice because the first one was too low. There was a lot of blood – it was running down my face and neck – but it stopped pretty quickly. Still, its really hard to hold onto a fiddly earring back and try to push it into place when your fingers and earlobe are slippery with a ridiculous amount of blood from such a tiny pair of holes.
I have a few new pieces of body jewelry coming in the next few days, and one of them is a super cute nose screw, so that’s what I be piercing next. I’m going to order a pair of bucket forceps and try to do my traguses myself too.
I popped by Horizon Comics yesterday and I picked these up. I’m looking forward to reading them, and soon picking up vol. 3 of Paper Girls.
Today I got all summered up in my flamingo dress, lobster earrings, and flowers in my hair. I thought about adding a summery hat too but decided that was enough.
My first stop was CVS, where I picked up a lip brush, this cleanser, and an Rx. This stuff is great! I’m already in love with their moisturizer which I use almost daily, and when I got home, I washed my face with it and my make-up just rinsed right away.
Before I came home though I did some window shopping at Guitar Center (where I saw almost my perfect dream bass for $700+) and almost came home with a new Luna uke. She has the sweetest voice.
I also went to see Stephanie at Hottie Body and we finally did my triangle piercing. It was agonizing. And amazing. I didn’t know if I was going to cry or cum. Like Jesus fucking Christ wow. So intense. I can’t wait for it to heal up a bit and I can take it for a test drive.
After that was done, I went to therapy, which went well. We talked about my need to control things and how that translates to me modifying my body, and my fearfulness of men I don’t know well.
That was pretty much the end of my day. I went home, had something to eat, and I’m hoping to get some better sleep tonight than I did last night. I did get my 14g to 12g taper in the mail today and I stretched my nipple piercings to 12g. Eventually I want to bring them up to 10g.
Tonight, after everyone was asleep, I took a shower. And while I was in there, I realized showering is recently a much more complex affair then it was two months ago. I have antibacterial soap to cleanse my numerous new piercings. I have facial cleanser to wash away the day’s makeup. I have body wash for the rest of my skin. I have an expensive tar shampoo to wash my hair and soothe my scalp. And after I get out, I have a fancy, delicious smelling coconut oil conditioner to work into my hair to make it smooth and shiny and soft. And that’s not even counting if I’m shaving – then there’s soap and razors. Maybe baby oil to rub over my skin afterwards.
Makeup. The day’s makeup. I went literally years without a touch of it on my face and now I’m wearing it almost every day because I feel beautiful with it on. My new piercings. 6 total in the last ten weeks because they make me feel pretty with more planned.
I’ve purchased jewelry that I’m actually wearing. I signed up for Ipsy. I bought nail polish twice in recent weeks and I’ve done my nails 3 times in the last week. My hair is currently in curling rods in the hopes of having fabulous cascading curls tomorrow when I wake up.
My next body mod will be a small tattoo that will be a reminder that I have value and I am worthy of so many things – love, good health, friendship, family, good things in my life. This is a thing I have a problem with and I often forget but I’m working on it with my therapist and all these things above are signs of progress. I feel good about myself for the first time in at least 6 years. I feel WORTHY of self – care for the first time in longer than I can remember.
Depression is a mother fucking bitch. You lose track of what’s important (yourself) and you stop believing in your WORTH. Even with medication, my environment was still a big determiner of how I felt about myself. Getting away from my ex was the best thing I could have done for myself and I only regret not doing it sooner.
So my last post was about a month ago when I got my nipples pierced. I’m happy to say they are healing up nicely and I was so pleased with how not OMG awful the experience was, that this last Tuesday, I went back to the piercer and got my septum and VCH done.
Yeah, I went with the little pink rhinestone clicker, and I ordered another one with a big(ish) bright pink simulated opal on it.
No photo of the VCH, but I can assure you it looks super cute!
Wednesday I met with my therapist and she asked if I would like to meet more often- weekly instead of monthly. I said yes because I feel like I really benefit from seeing her.
After that, I took myself on a solo lunch date to my favorite Mexican place, my first time going there without Mattie. The waiter asked if he should say he’s sorry or congratulate me on my break-up- I said congratulate me. I had a really nice meal, and I got to eat as many of the chips and salsa as I wanted. 🙂
I don’t think I mentioned my mom’s dog had a little of puppies 5 weeks ago. The puppies are 3/4 German Shepherd and 1/4 Belgian Malinois. I’ve spent the last 2 weeks telling myself I do not need a puppy. There are 9 of them.
Anyway, this guy!
This is Yuba, and he’s mine. He’s got a pretty blue collar on, and I’ve ordered him a tag with his name and my phone number and I’m so excited. I’m gonna have a dog again! He’s the lightest colored pup in the litter, and he’s the smallest boy, and so far the calmest. His mama is overly cautious and not terribly friendly, and the father is not any better. I’m planning to leave him with his siblings for a few more weeks and then start crate training. Once his puppy shots are finished, he’ll start going places with me to gain more socialization and hopefully more confidence.
So on Wednesday, Dept. of Mental Health called me up and asked me to come in on Friday for an evaluation. I wasn’t totally thrilled about this, but whatever… I’d get through it.
On Thursday night I discovered that DMH has a patient portal website and you can view your records, test results, etc. I signed up, but needed an access code to actually get full functionality.
Friday I went in and met with a really nice woman. She was friendly without trying to be my friend, professional, and straight to the point. She made me as comfortable as possible considering all the things that were asked. The evaluation interview took about 90 minutes and I was out of mental energy at the end of it, but I mentioned a lot of things I had held back before and things my psych Dr. is still unaware of. I basically spilled everything because I figured once its out there, I can either explain it or not, but I can’t unsay it, and I have so many problems I really should be discussing with my Dr but I just don’t.
At the end she asked if there was anything I wanted to do to add to my treatment, like therapy, and I said yes. I said yes to therapy! I meet with her again next week to either definitely become one of her patients, which is what I am hoping for, or to find out whose patient I will become. Either way I’m both nervous and looking forward to it because there are so many things I need to work through. The whole thing was stressful, but I made it through and I think it will be for the better.
When I came home, I logged into the patient portal and input my access code and I found this under my diagnosis:
This is super interesting to me because never in the 8 or 9 years I’ve been going there has anyone ever mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. Its also a tiny bit funny because this is what I self-diagnosed myself with via the internet before I ever went in to the DMH to get help.
Reading over the information on it on a government site, I’m pretty much a textbook case… and Liz pointed out that it can be hard if not impossible to tell a person with a personality disorder that they have one, but damn it! I need all the information! Gimme!
So in short, weird new-to-me diagnosis feelings, excited and scared to start therapy, but super glad to hopefully start working through some shit and move forward.